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In case you missed it, my latest Book, The Girl Without Magic was released last week.

This is the part where I’m supposed to say how grateful I am and how lucky I am to have such a wonderful publisher, and how thrilling it is to have people read my words.

All of that is true, but this is Life Beyond Exaggeration, not my author website, so here’s the messy part of it.

Being an author isn’t always fun. I actually thought about it, and if I gave up Writing, I could get masters degree. I would have time to do the school work and time to earn the money to pay my tuition. If I didn’t write, I could be a really great ukulele player, have a six pack, have watched everything on Netflix everyone tells me I should watch. There is so much I could do with my time and my life if I just stopped writing! It’s maddening!

And that’s what I spent my joyous release day thinking about. In a burrito of blankets. Binging on cool ranch Doritos. There were a lot of things that led to this highly attractive moment.

Amazon being screwy and not posting the book for many hours so I was panicking that it would never go up.

Important people not answering my emails when I needed them to.

People in my non-author life treating my writing like a side hobby that should hold no sway over my schedule and should be dismissed when it becomes inconvenient for them.

The never-ending self doubt because no one will read my books and, even if they do, won’t leave a good review.

Then I decided. I was done. No more writing. Fulfill the commitments I currently have contracts for and then be done. The husband asked what I would do with all my other characters. I decided I would write a novella with one chapter dedicated to each series, killing off all the characters in a dramatic and bloody way even Joss Wheadon would be proud of. Which if you think of it is sort of a cool idea.

But then the file did post. So that was better.

Nothing else has improved, so that’s still swirling around the toilet bowl of mental breakdown.

But my husband took me to the Boston Library, and the books were soothing. I love books. I love stories. I may not really want to be a writer right now, but I’ve made the commitment to my characters and my readers, so a mass slaughter in eBook form would be wrong. And there is that new series I want to start on, and the final book in the Girl of Glass series I need to start writing this week.

And so I’ll keep at it. Devoting enough hours that I could have a law degree by now. Trying not to scream when people pretend being an author isn’t a full time job to pile on top of my other full time job. Swallowing my fear of being annoying as I ask the same question for the tenth time in hopes of finally getting an answer. Manically checking to see if any new book reviews have been posted.

Maybe one day it will be time to walk away. But not yet. I can hold onto hope for a while longer.

While I’m still writing, you should enter my Rafflecopter to win a free Kindle Fire preloaded with great Young Adult novels!

This post first appeared on Lifebeyondexaggeration | What Doesn't Kill You Mak, please read the originial post: here

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