Tonight I went to a film festival. I expected to see a few people I knew. I had a bit of anxiety about it but was ready for it. But I end up crashing into things that I was not prepared for. My most recent ex was there on a date. This guy I went on a date with a month ago was there with a new girl. Then there was this guy I dated for a month a while back, sitting literally in the seat in front of me with his girlfriend. I was there with good friends, people I loved, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how this was the universe showing me how Unlovable I am. Here were these three guys, whom all of them never chose me.
They’re not bad guys. The girls they are dating aren’t terrible people. It doesn’t mean I didn’t hate all of them a little bit. I hated them because they were reminders. They were reminders that I was unlovable. I am unlovable due to my anxiety and depression. My too-muchness. They were reminders of everything I am not. I am not well put together. I am a mess. I am too loud. I’m not petite. I’m a lot.
Then I thought of the guys that maybe I could have been with. The ones that I didn’t want because I wasn’t ready. Or it wasn’t what I was looking for. Was it a mistake? Am I now destined to be alone forever? I wanted to reach out to them. I wanted to feel wanted again. But I didn’t.
I am home now. I am still questioning some life decisions. I am confused about what I’m feeling. I know for sure that I don’t want any of these men. I don’t want to date them. I don’t want to hook up with them. They were once in my life, but now they are not. They are old love news. They just ended up popping into my life at the same time. Part of me wonders the point of it. Why did the universe want to rub it in my face?
I didn’t want them to ruin my time. I wanted to be more empowered than that. I wanted to feel more independent than letting some stupid guys ruin this film festival I was so excited about. There I was watching an amazing film about this woman traveling around the world by rowing and biking, and I Cried, but not because of the film. I cried because I felt unlovable. I cried because I felt alone. I cried because I kept thinking about what the hell am I doing here. I cried because I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was.
But now I am home alone, with my cat, who I love dearly. I have friends who are my favorites. I have a family that adores me. I am in graduate school working towards a goal. I am working on a personal project which brings me so much excitement. I am becoming more independent each day. I know all of this but it still feels shitty. I still wonder what is wrong with me, even though I know it’s because I’m not putting the effort in.
I have this push/pull feeling when it comes to relationships that I haven’t been able to get past in a long time. I want something stable, but at the same time, I want to run. Give me one red flag and I’m out the door. I don’t want to be the person giving things in a Relationship with people who aren’t willing to put any effort in. So I don’t give men any chance to prove otherwise. It’s a cycle that I’m trying to break, that I’m willing to break. I’m starting to put myself out there again.
I’m still not 100% sure on what the reason behind seeing all those past men tonight was. It broke me a bit. It triggered me into thinking about how unlovable I am and how no one will ever choose me, but if I take a step back it reminds me of something more than that. It reminds me that I need to open myself up again. Here are all these men willing to be in relationships. Willing to try again, when I have been so closed off to relationships. I’m still not sure, but I’m willing to test the waters. What a night.