Sometimes I think about how consumed I can be with other people. I often place my own self-worth based on how others view me. I set unrealistic expectations for myself based on this idea. I think I have to be the best at everything I do, or else I’m not worth anyone’s time. I have to be the best Rock Climber, or else my boyfriend will leave me. I have to be the most fun person at the bar because if I’m not my friends won’t hang out with me again. I have to find the best presents or my family will be utterly disappointed. My boyfriend, friends, and family don’t actually care if I’m the best at everything. They just care that I’m there and I’m doing my best.
I think its safe to say that I will never be an incredibly talented rock climber, but I still enjoy the sport. I will have nights when I’m not in the right social mood, but I will still have friends. There will be times when I don’t have enough money to buy the best gifts, but my family will still love me. You see, I know these facts. I do. Logically, I can see it. But I have these irrational thoughts whispering in my ear constantly. They tell me the complete opposite of what is logical.
It becomes incredibly tiring to combat. Sometimes, I can be confident, no matter my talent. I went to hot yoga where I was the worst yoga person there – but I had fun and didn’t feel any less because of it. But then I can read about a friend running a marathon, and bring myself down because I’m not sure if I can ever do that. I am even scared to try to do that. Then my mind believes that if I can’t run a marathon why anyone would want to be around me? Yeah, I know many people can’t run marathons, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking these negative thoughts.
It might be because I can’t pinpoint the one thing in my life where I excel at. There isn’t one thing that I can say that I’m extremely talented at besides having anxious and depressive thoughts. I don’t excel at any sport – I never did. I am not well-liked – people don’t seek my company. I have not explored the world. I don’t even live on my own. Based on all of this – how can I be worthy?
I’m trying to train my mind into believing that I don’t have to be the best at everything to be loved and to be confident. It’s a really tough lesson to learn. It challenges you to be inspired by others. It makes you look at others’ talents, not as a threat to yours. It makes you see the good qualities you have, even if you are not the most talented. It gets you to look at yourself in the mirror- know that you are imperfect, but still incredible. It’s being gentle with yourself. It’s pushing yourself. It’s forgiving yourself.
I am badass. I am worthy. I am enough.