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A Year Later: After Effects & Learning How to be My Own Person

A Year Later: After Effects & Learning How To Be My Own Person

Today marks a year. It marks a year since my life changed, I would like to say, for the better. This past year was a year of growth. A year of change. A year of independence, And a year of being comfortable. 

Today was hard for me, but not in the way I may have once thought it would be. I don’t miss him. I don’t want him back. But it was hard because I’m Thinking of myself then. I’m thinking of what I didn’t know how my life was going to change. I thought of how I believed this person. I thought of how much pain I was in a year ago. I thought of how much painful growth I had ahead of me. I thought about the plans that I lost. The people that I lost. It was excruciating for me a year ago. There is no denying it.

Even though it was painful, another part of me feels currently very stupid and annoyed. I feel stupid because how did I think this person was it? How did I let this person get me in my head? How did I let this person ruin pieces of my life? 

I’m Gaining things back again. I’m gaining friendships I once lost. I’m gaining activities that I thought I would never do again. But there are also things that I lost that I can never get back. 

Since this breakup, I have been guarded. I have been anxious. I haven’t trusted dating. I have been terrified of being connected to another person again. If someone likes me, I automatically disconnect because there has to be something wrong with you to like me. 

And this pisses me off. It pisses me off because a part of me really wants to be a part of something bigger. I want a person and it’s scary for me to admit that. A few months ago, I had a person that was willing to try. I liked him. We connected. But I backed off. I said I didn’t want it. I said I wasn’t ready. Which I wasn’t then, so I don’t regret that. But now I’m ready. Now I want this person, but I can’t have them. He told me that timing would never be perfect and when you meet someone you connect with, you have to go for it. I didn’t believe him then, and I’m not sure I do now. But I do know it’s too late. 

A part of me is incredibly angry at myself for it being too late. Why couldn’t I just get my life together sooner? Why do I have to be so guarded? I think that I helped him dodge a bullet, because, well, because I’m a lot. I know if I start something with someone, I need to go slow. Like banana slug slow, because I don’t want to run again. I need loads of time. It wouldn’t have been fair to him. He’s better off and probably happier with this new woman in his life. And part of me wants to be happy for him. 

Even though I’m upset at this situation, I’m also glad I did what I did. I am my own person again.  I Figured out who I am alone. I figured out what I do when I don’t have someone relying on me. When I don’t have to conform to another person. I know what I would actually prefer to do. I know how to cook for myself. I know how to take care of myself when I’m alone, depressed, and injured. I know how to soothe myself when I’m anxious. I have summer plans. 

But I’m hoping this past year is where I figured out how to be me, and maybe this coming year I can learn how to open myself up to love again. I guess I’ll find out. But I’m obviously (hey past trauma) not going to push it. 

This post first appeared on Sylvia Marcia: Mental Health Life Style, please read the originial post: here

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A Year Later: After Effects & Learning How to be My Own Person


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