Minneapolis, MN – After sucking down grotesque University of Minnesota dining hall food his entire freshman year, 20-year-old Jack Regal was excited to finally be able to cook his own meals in his new off-campus apartment. With new stainless steel appliances and fancy kitchenware, the sky was the limit for this prodigal chef.
Like a young Gordon Ramsay Jack cooked his heart out for weeks, each day after class whipping up everything from Pad Thai to Ratatouille. However, on one particular October evening after a stressful day of lectures, Jack became distressed that his fellow Roommates had not properly cleaned the kitchen.
C’mon guys, how hard is it to wipe off the counters and scrub out a couple of pots? Jack wondered to himself.
Not wanting to call out any specific person for their atrocities, the cuisine maestro sent an unassertive text to his roommates reading: “Hey guys.. think we could take a couple minutes tonight and clean up the kitchen? Shit’s kinda gross.”
After minutes of waiting in sheer hunger-induced agony, Jack finally received a response from his roommate Brody Fritz,”Yeah maybe next week or something.”
Feeling trapped in the dark penitentiary of a slightly unclean cooking space, Jack didn’t know who or what to turn to… until finally, it came to him.
Aha! A crock pot! Fuck yes! I’m gonna go buy a fucking crockpot and slow cook everything! Joke’s on these guys now!
It was a match made in heaven. Ever since that fateful Autumn day, Jack and his Hamilton Beach Stay-or-go Slow Cooker were inseparable. The kitchen continued to accumulate dirty dishes and the stench and grime grew, but Jack knew that as long as he stayed focused on his Crock Pot, everything would be just fine.
After a few months, Jack became a shell of himself. The young man grew tired of his impure roommates and felt truly lost. Lost in a world where the only thing that mattered anymore was his trusty multi-functional appliance. Before long, the desperate college boy couldn’t fall asleep without his “Hammy”.
“When Jack stopped coming to class, we knew something had to be done. We figured we could get him to loosen up with a little booze, so we took that stupid slow-cooker and used it to hold our Wop for a party one night. After that, everything changed.” sighed housemate Matt Boden.
According to multiple reports, a very distraught Jack burst out of his bedroom and into the common room mid-party wearing nothing but a loincloth woven of thawed
chicken breast and cooked carrots.
“GIVE HAMMY NOW!” grunted Jack with a feral screech as cream-of-chicken soup leaked from his mouth.
The EDM music stopped. The gaunt food-man hobbled across the dead silent room full of
partygoers, jumped on the table, and hugged the alcohol stained slow-cooker tenderly before looking at his roommates angrily and snarling, “JACK WANT CHOW!”
“That was the last we saw of poor old Jack. He ran down the hallway and out of sight with that contraption and we never saw him again. We just hope he’s finally happy now.” commented Matt.
“Sometimes I wonder if things could have gone differently. If I would’ve scrubbed that damn pot of macaroni, maybe he’d still be here with us.” murmured Brody. “Fuck it. I guess we’ll never know.”