2017-09-28 20:56
With dangerous healthcare bills in the news, which continue to be initiated in Congress and which would be devastating to those of us with mental illness, I've been thinking a lot about stig… Read More
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Depression Marathon Blog
depressionmarathon.blogspot.com
Female runner and health professional reveals her battle with severe and persistent depression including how it changed her identity, personality and life.
2017-09-24 01:42
I'm making some progress both mentally and physically, I think. I just came in from a 3 mile walk with Jet. During our walk, I jogged (I hate the J-word, but that's what it was) a bit to see… Read More
2017-09-21 00:29
This morning I discovered somebody has been copying my blog posts en masse. Actually, I discovered it last week, but it really became clear this morning. I have some tools connected to my bl… Read More
2017-09-15 21:20
In case you've been wondering, I'm okay. I'm not great. I'm not back to where I'd like to be yet. I wish I wasn't still struggling with periods of low mood and intrusive thoughts. But I'm ba… Read More
2017-09-10 21:35
The good news is I'm feeling better, and I'm back home. I got out of the hospital Friday just before noon. And that was as a direct result of the positive reaction I had following my second… Read More
2017-09-06 00:25
I began participation in the clinical drug trial today. I had my first Ketamine infusion. It took almost 3 hours by the time all was said and done, and I was exhausted afterward. Fortunately… Read More
2017-09-01 23:11
I saw my therapist yesterday. When she offered to drive me directly to the hospital, herself, I knew she meant business. But that's what I needed. Depression had muddled my thinking so compl… Read More
2017-08-29 16:54
Sometimes I have difficulty writing here. I want so badly to be a voice of hope for all of us who struggle with this damn illness, severe and persistent depression. But sometimes my hope is… Read More
2017-08-23 13:47
I'm back in my house, with Jet, and feeling... well, okay.
I left the hospital Monday morning, and the rest of Monday went well. Jet and I walked through the solar eclipse, which was pretty… Read More
2017-08-19 21:00
It was so relieving to write the title to this post I may erase it and write it over and over again. I am still in the hospital, but I feel better. The first couple of days here were tough… Read More
2017-08-17 00:00
I'm back in the hospital. The plan is to stay here and stabilize, get some of my intrusive thoughts settled, and then go home before I start Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) treatment… Read More
2017-08-15 12:25
I think you can have no idea what it’s like. How can you? Unless you’ve sat in this chair, early on a Sunday, or Monday, or Tuesday…morning, you cannot know what it’… Read More
2017-08-11 18:34
Anger is not a four letter word. But nobody likes it when I'm angry. I've been angry, at times really angry, over these last few weeks. I've been angry at depression; angry at what it takes… Read More
2017-08-09 21:33
Depression steals.
Moments.
Days.
Joy. Peace.
Serenity.
Physical ability.
Energy.
Movement.
Motivation. Satisfaction.
Appreciation. Meaning.
Memory.
Intelligence.
Clear thinking.
Slee… Read More
2017-08-06 00:12
"This is hard." Those were three of the very few words I was able to utter to my psychiatrist a couple of days ago. I saw her first thing in the morning. I was slow, and quiet, and tearful… Read More
2017-08-02 21:38
He said, "You need a change of luck," and he reached into his wallet and pulled out this four leaf clover.
I was surprised and touched by my friend Jim's gesture. I was having dinner wi… Read More
2017-07-31 19:01
I had to get out of town. Depression has been kicking my ass! From anger to tears, hopelessness to frustration, and finally to complete and utter despair, I haven't been able to escape. My m… Read More
2017-07-27 13:28
This is one of those posts I hate to write. For better or worse, I pride myself on being a fighter, maybe even a role model, for someone out there battling this fucking illness. But I haven'… Read More
2017-07-23 12:51
"Fight it," my friend exclaimed. I had just told her how I was feeling. Nobody, especially my close friends, wants to see me slide into the abyss once again. It's too dark. The road back is… Read More
2017-07-18 20:25
It's been 4 weeks since my surgery to remove the extruded portion of my L4 disc, 8 weeks since the original injury, and I'm trying my best to deal with a very slow recovery. Yesterday was a… Read More
2017-07-14 18:57
It's a big day. I have a date. A what, you ask? Yes, I have a date. Believe me, I'm just as surprised as anyone. An acquaintance I've known for years called me out of the blue a few days ago… Read More
2017-07-10 01:59
I feel better. No, I don't. I'm healing. I'm not healing. My pain is improved. I'm in more pain. I'm moving better. No, moving hurts. And so it goes. Over the last 7 days I've yo-yo'd back a… Read More
2017-07-03 22:32
I confess. I'm not being a good patient. I'm so damn bored, I can't help it! It's just me, and Jet, and four walls for 90% of every day. It feels like my house is closing in on me. I try to… Read More
2017-06-29 13:36
It's not very often I find myself glad to be wrong, but this is one of those cases. The pain I wrote about in my last post has gotten better. I followed the instructions of the surgical nurs… Read More
2017-06-21 15:33
I'm home and recovering from my back surgery. My surgery on Monday went very well. The surgeon was able to remove a larger than expected L4 disc fragment, which had already calcified, withou… Read More
2017-06-15 22:08
The saga of my back will continue for another 12+ weeks. I am scheduled for back surgery on Wednesday, June 21st. Recovery and restrictions after surgery will last at least 12 weeks. The sur… Read More
2017-06-11 22:01
It's hard to believe I've been dealing with this painful back injury for three solid weeks now. I'm beginning my fourth week without work tomorrow. I've been humbled by friends and coworkers… Read More
2017-06-06 20:08
I discovered one thing as a result of my recent back injury. If I didn't advocate, and advocate strongly, for myself, nobody else would have, and my care would suffer. I don't want to get in… Read More
2017-06-02 14:16
I wish I had something more positive to write about today, but unfortunately I'm still in pain. There has been no resolution to my back issues. My left leg remains so weak I am unable to wal… Read More
2017-05-26 22:56
I'm home from the hospital. My back is only slightly better. I now have numbness, tingling and weakness in my left leg, which necessitates walking with a cane around the house and crutches f… Read More
2017-05-23 00:47
Well...file this one under, "You're not going to believe this." Or, "You've got to be kidding me!" I am in the hospital. No, not that hospital. I am on a medical floor of my local hospital… Read More
2017-05-20 21:04
It's been raining for 7 hours. Seven hours. It's cold, wet and gray outside. Unfortunately, it's not much better inside. I'm still feeling under the weather. The virus which began with a sor… Read More
2017-05-16 01:20
It must be nice. If I didn't have depression, feeling physically ill wouldn't be scary. If I didn't have depression, my sore throat, body aches and malaise would be simple. I'd sleep in, lie… Read More
2017-05-12 01:40
I am strong. I am free. That's my new running mantra. I came up with it 3 weeks ago during my first 20-mile training run. That's right, I said first. I used "I am strong, I am free" again du… Read More
2017-05-07 01:17
It never fails to amaze me. I'm not unique.You'd think I would have learned that by now. I mean I've been writing this blog since 2008. Apparently I'm slow. Nevertheless, after reading your… Read More
2017-05-02 01:35
As a result of ECT, or perhaps just due to the severity of this depression relapse, I recently discovered I had little recollection of what happened over the past few months. I couldn't answ… Read More
2017-04-25 00:11
I was planning on writing a post about how well I continue to feel and function. In fact, Jet and I ran 20 miles yesterday, and it was a good, doable run! Amazing. That would not have been p… Read More
2017-04-19 23:40
I am humbled and grateful once again to be honored by Healthline.com for having one of the best depression blogs. Considering how many depression blogs are out there, and they only chos… Read More
2017-04-16 20:21
Maybe I'm being too (cautiously) optimistic too soon, but maybe, perhaps, hopefully, I might be feeling a little bit better. I've had 4 TMS treatments, and up until Friday nothing had change… Read More
2017-04-13 02:06
I began a new treatment yesterday. At 2:00 PM, Monday through Friday, for the next 6 weeks, I will be receiving transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS). I am hopeful it will bring me some re… Read More
2017-04-10 12:55
One of the comments on my last post complimented me on my spunk. Not today. Today I'm just tired. I've got no energy for spunk. No energy for fight. No capacity to stand up for myself. I'm d… Read More
2017-04-09 15:42
I ran a long way yesterday, 18 miles to be exact, and at least the first 10 miles were spent fuming about the latest insulting difference between treatment for my illness, depression, versus… Read More
2017-04-06 02:06
I've mentioned it more than once. You guys routinely mention it, especially recently. So I guess it's time to talk more about it. It is isolation. Depression. It is so isolating. No matter h… Read More
2017-04-02 14:35
I'm hesitant to write this post. I don't want to be a complainer. I don't want people to see me as ungrateful or selfish. But there is a reality out there that's moved to the forefront of my… Read More
2017-03-30 02:26
It's hard to believe it's been a week since I last wrote here. Sorry about that. It's been an up and down week, disappointing at times and encouraging at others. Unfortunately my mood has no… Read More
2017-03-23 00:51
Perhaps I'm being too sensitive. Perhaps I'm reading too much into innocuous words and statements. I don't know. You tell me. Over the last couple of weeks I've had doctors, nurses, therapis… Read More
2017-03-19 13:22
I'm still struggling. My mood remains very low. I attended my 12-step meeting yesterday morning, but I ended up feeling alone in a crowd. I hate that feeling. It's so painful. I began to cry… Read More
2017-03-15 23:01
Despite returning to work for two short days, and despite getting back on the road to run a couple of times, I'm struggling. I'm having a really difficult time accepting just how low I'm fee… Read More
2017-03-12 00:06
I'm officially home again. I left the hospital around 10:00 this morning. Fortunately, my house was still intact and standing. It's still a bit strange being home, though. The house feels em… Read More
2017-03-09 01:11
I am nearing the end of my second hospital stay. My mood is improving. It's not perfect, but it is better than it was. The current plan is for one more ECT treatment on Friday, and then I wi… Read More
2017-03-07 00:12
It's hard to imagine feeling much lower than I do right now. I just survived the longest weekend I've endured in quite some time, and today didn't get much better. I don't know how otherwise… Read More
2017-03-04 23:45
I readmitted myself to the hospital last night. I'm disappointed beyond belief to be back here, to need to be back here, but it's what I needed to do. I was having trouble with the basics of… Read More
2017-03-03 23:00
For as long as I've had depression, that's 16+ years, this illness still has the power to amaze. I can't imagine hurting much more than I hurt right now. I can't imagine suffering more hopel… Read More
2017-03-01 17:08
I just returned home from my second outpatient ECT treatment. I was struggling with sadness and feeling low prior to the treatment, but now my sadness is overwhelming. I feel as if someone h… Read More
2017-02-26 15:37
Warning: this post contains whining and complaint. I returned home from the hospital yesterday. I had plenty to do. We had a huge snow storm while I was an inpatient. It took me almost 2 hou… Read More
2017-02-23 22:11
I'm encouraged today. After only two ECT treatments, my mood and thinking have both improved. I have another treatment scheduled for tomorrow, and I'm hoping to discharge home Saturday. I'm… Read More
2017-02-21 02:06
Long story short, I'm in the hospital. Unfortunately, it wasn't that simple. Getting here was quite an odyssey. By Friday evening it became apparent things weren't getting better, only worse… Read More
2017-02-16 17:54
I don't want to talk about it anymore. Talking is becoming more harmful than good.
I sent a note to my psychiatrist yesterday, a note which included the deplorable thoughts running through… Read More
2017-02-13 03:51
I worked yesterday. It was a good day. And that's why it was strange from the moment I walked through the door. I watched with fascination as I interacted cheerfully and effortlessly with my… Read More
2017-02-09 02:37
hopeless.
that's too easy.
purposeless
pointless
meaningless and
futile.
maybe better descriptors.
maybe.
despairing
dispirited
demoralized and
disconsolate.
heavy
mechanical and
burdened… Read More
2017-02-05 20:30
I believe this is what they call irony. In my last post I reflected on my good mood despite some intrusive thoughts. Just prior to that I wrote about gratitude, specifically my gratitude for… Read More
2017-01-31 02:09
Intrusive thoughts. I've written about them here before. They are strange, usually violent, often scary, sometimes shocking thoughts which occupy space in my brain out of the blue. These tho… Read More
2017-01-25 01:36
Today is one of those days I feel like I should write here. It's been almost a week since I last wrote, and I feel an obligation to update my blog. Unfortunately, I don't have much to say… Read More
2017-01-19 21:56
My bucket list has been calling. After crossing off skydiving this past Fall, I've been thinking about my next adventure. Over the past 2 to 3 weeks I've been spending an inordinate amount o… Read More
2017-01-17 02:19
Today I write with a heavy heart. One of my high school classmates had a heart attack last week. He was on a treadmill in his employer's fitness center when he collapsed. Heroic efforts from… Read More
2017-01-12 13:47
My coworker awoke Monday morning with a sore throat, muscle aches, and congestion. She came to work for a couple of hours, which is exactly what I would have done because we are so, so busy… Read More
2017-01-08 22:29
Despite continued laziness at home, which I'm still letting go rather than worrying about, I had a good week this week. Work went well. We are still incredibly busy, and we have some challen… Read More
2017-01-04 02:35
I've got a bit of a conundrum. I'm feeling really lazy and unmotivated to do anything...except work and run. And if I didn't have to work, that list might be reduced to just running. My moti… Read More
2016-12-29 01:58
On December 28, 2005, my youngest brother had his first child. I have 8 nieces and nephews, and with the exception of the aforementioned nephew, I don't know any of their birth dates. Truthf… Read More
2016-12-25 02:36
I was contemplating being alone on Christmas Eve while Jet and I were out on a lovely, warm, 7-mile late afternoon run earlier. There was a ton of traffic. Between the early service Christma… Read More
2016-12-20 00:48
On the last day of my 48th year, December 17, 2016, I ran The 3 Bridges Marathon in Little Rock, Arkansas. It was my gift to myself, and it proved to be a tough gift. It was 72 degrees. Yes… Read More
2016-12-13 04:03
Perhaps some of you noticed. My profile underwent its yearly edit. Instead of 15, it now says 16 years. I recently passed the 16 year mark on my journey with depression. After having depress… Read More
2016-12-08 22:08
It's easy to be grateful when everything is going well. But when the deck feels like it's stacked against me, I have to make a conscious choice to look for the positive, to practice gratitud… Read More
2016-12-03 23:29
I was going to call this post rejuvenated, but that wasn't entirely true. I'm not quite there yet. But I do feel a bit restored. As planned, I only worked my regularly scheduled 3 days this… Read More
2016-11-29 23:10
I've written about this before, but it's what's happening right now, so bear with me. I've been working more often lately, more days and more hours, and I'm wiped out. This frustrates me bec… Read More
2016-11-25 00:18
If you're not a fan of gratitude, you may not enjoy my blog for the next month or so. I can't help it. Recognizing the blessings of my life and expressing gratitude for what I have is a huge… Read More
2016-11-21 02:40
I received a nice message a few days ago. Apparently Healthline.com is promoting a contest to find the best health blog, and my little blog has been nominated. How cool is that? There's even… Read More
2016-11-18 00:33
One of my supervisors left me a note yesterday. We've been really busy, and I worked later than usual yesterday. I was actually the last one in the office. When I returned to my desk from my… Read More
2016-11-12 22:10
I just came in from a gloriously sunny, cool, 10-mile run. I felt great. It was my second run since finishing the New York City Marathon last Sunday. It was nice to be out on my local, famil… Read More
2016-11-07 04:34
I had a great day in New York today! I cried, actually cried, when the starting line came into view for the first time. After the start I kept my head up and my eyes open. I looked around, p… Read More
2016-11-05 18:54
I'm here. I made it. But if I ever do this again, remind me not to land at a NYC airport during rush hour on a Friday afternoon! I landed at Laguardia at 5:35 PM. Despite my incredibly talen… Read More
2016-10-30 17:52
An Open Letter to Mental Health Organizations:
I am writing regarding the use of the term Consumer when referring to a person with mental illness. As a person who has battled depression for… Read More
2016-10-25 00:41
Two weeks from today I will hopefully be waking up stiff, sore and smiling in a hotel room in New York City. A shiny new finisher's medal will be on the bedside table. If I don't wear it to… Read More
2016-10-19 01:08
I'm frustrated. I'm going to New York City in a few weeks, alone. My Minnesota Lynx are playing in game 5, the final game, of the WNBA Championship in a couple of days, and I want to go. But… Read More
2016-10-14 12:20
I must have been 16. I stood on that cliff high above Lake Superior, right there in that park just down the street from my high school, for what seemed like hours...and maybe it was. I… Read More
2016-10-09 20:11
I'm getting a little restless. I'm waiting for my mouth to heal enough so I may resume running. You'd think this little 4 day break would be nothing for me. After all, I sat out 15 months fo… Read More
2016-10-06 21:56
This morning I sat in a Mayo Clinic dental specialty chair for 2 hours and 15 minutes while two doctors cut, drilled, scraped, hammered (yes, hammered), and sewed a high tech new bone slurry… Read More
2016-10-02 22:17
It was kind of a big week around here. Seven days ago I ran my first race in 23 months, 7 days, and it went well. I was thrilled to be back racing. I was happy with the result. And I was gra… Read More
2016-09-30 23:44
ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!
Watch it as it happened HERE! Read More
2016-09-26 12:09
October 19, 2014, was the last time I lined up at the starting line. Twenty three months and seven days ago was the last time I ran and finished a race. Until today. Today I ran a race. I cr… Read More
2016-09-22 01:16
Just a short post to say thank you to all who commented on my previous post. Your feedback helped. After reading what you had to say, I no longer felt so alone. I realized my experience was… Read More
2016-09-17 21:55
I've been doing this awhile. Since my depression began in November, 2000, I've been through the whole gamut of symptoms and treatments, medications and therapies, and as you know, multiple h… Read More
2016-09-15 01:55
It's been a tough week. My mood continues to decline. Monster fatigue has set in. Everything I do is more difficult. Everything. Big things, obvious things, like work, take more energy, ment… Read More
2016-09-08 21:51
As I laid awake, exhausted but awake, in bed last night, I had a revelation of sorts. Lying awake for 3 hours lends itself to lots of frivolous brain activity. I wondered how it was this ill… Read More
2016-09-04 02:00
I'm surprised it's been nearly a week since I last wrote. Maybe it's because my last post is still relevant today. I've had a decent week. At least there have been no big dramas with regards… Read More
2016-08-28 23:14
I finished up my mentally challenging, and therefore physically exhausting, week with a nice, sunny ride this morning on my ElliptiGo. I was supposed to run 10 miles today, but I've been hav… Read More
2016-08-25 00:42
I spent 3 hours in the chairs of 2 different dental specialists yesterday afternoon. It was the horrible culmination to what otherwise was a lovely weekend away. Today I find myself overwhel… Read More
2016-08-19 02:44
I'm getting ready tonight to get away. I'm going to visit family this weekend, which may or may not be a good thing. Isn't that the way with families? I'm hoping for a nice, not too stressfu… Read More
2016-08-15 00:07
I haven't had much motivation to update this blog or do much of anything else lately. I don't think I'm coping too well with the new drama with my teeth. My mood has definitely taken a hit… Read More
2016-08-10 02:27
I believe it was just 2 or 3 posts ago that I was complaining about feeling cooped up and wishing for some excitement in my life. I wonder if I can retract that wish? The wish actually came… Read More
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