2020-06-27 00:55
I had my five month follow-up appointment with my hip surgeon yesterday. My right hip appears to be healing well, though not as perfectly as I would like. Of course, I hoped for perfection… Read More
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Depression Marathon Blog
depressionmarathon.blogspot.com
Female runner and health professional reveals her battle with severe and persistent depression including how it changed her identity, personality and life.
2020-06-23 00:38
I'm back in Duluth, Minnesota. I've been here visiting my friends and my brother since Friday. The weather has been gorgeous, which is a pretty big deal here, as the weather can change on a… Read More
2020-06-15 16:01
I was alerted to something happening outside last night by flashing lights and the sound of several young male voices, both unusual experiences in my residential neighborhood. I exited my ho… Read More
2020-06-12 22:37
I apologize. I'm trying, but I just don't have anything interesting to write about today. And if you made it past that sentence, thanks! You must be a loyal reader!
Life is going well. I'm… Read More
2020-06-06 15:26
Crazy is not a word I use lightly. In fact it's a word which usually makes me cringe with anger or defensiveness. But I don't know what else to write about today. I don't think another word… Read More
2020-05-31 01:28
It's been a difficult week here in my home state. A police officer murdered a man in broad daylight while 3 other officers stood by, intermittently protecting the murderer and/or doing nothi… Read More
2020-05-18 22:04
Something is going on with me. I'm annoyed. I'm irritated. Little things, seemingly one after another, keep getting under my skin. I'm irritable and irritated. It's uncomfortable, and I don'… Read More
2020-05-12 22:17
I returned to work today. When I had my hip surgery in January I expected I'd be out of work for 6-8 weeks at most. Instead, it was today, almost 4 months post op that I actually returned. I… Read More
2020-05-11 15:25
The minister asked, "In honor of Mother's Day, will you please write down the name of the woman from whom you learned joy, and generosity, and how to love in the comments section so we may a… Read More
2020-05-07 02:31
I'm trying to return to some semblance of normalcy. Between post op hip recovery, depression relapse and recovery, and COVID-19 my life has not resembled the life I knew prior to mid-January… Read More
2020-05-02 01:35
Try to share one of my posts on Facebook and this is what you get.
Imagine my surprise when I attempted to Facebook message a friend one of my recent posts. Instead of messaging it to her a… Read More
2020-04-28 00:04
I'm getting rid of stuff. I've been unloading stuff, on and off, for about 6 months now. It began when I felt so low in late October, early November. In fact, donating a SAD light to my psyc… Read More
2020-04-22 23:40
Maybe it was the cold wind on my face. Maybe it was my heart beat decelerating, palpable in my chest, after just ducking out of a strapping headwind. Or perhaps it was the stillness of the m… Read More
2020-04-18 00:02
It's been a long week. As are many of you, I am spending days upon days alone in my house. That very real isolation, combined with my inability to partake in my typical active coping skills… Read More
2020-04-14 00:01
I heard a sentence. One year ago. I was lying in my hospital bed. The depression which had deposited me there showed no sign of release. A hostage, I was, to my very own brain. And then the… Read More
2020-04-10 02:20
It's been a tough day. For the last 8 or 9 months I had an inkling that Jet's eyesight wasn't great. First his eyes began to look a little cloudy. Over the summer, especially around the 4th… Read More
2020-04-05 03:19
I'm feeling a little bit better today. And you, the readers of this blog, had something to do with it. In addition to the support of my friends and professionals, this blog, specifically you… Read More
2020-04-03 01:15
When I feel very, very low I struggle with what to write here. That's the case today. I have plenty of material. I've been writing up a storm. I'm just not sure much, if any of what I've alr… Read More
2020-03-29 17:54
Two nights ago I barely made it through the night. I wish that was an understatement. It's not. I couldn't sleep. Couldn't even get tired. And my brain was as dark as it's been in a very lon… Read More
2020-03-20 19:22
Continued Psychic Pain.Resentful Read More
2020-03-18 14:55
Good for an aching heart.Here's more of his work Read More
2020-03-17 15:02
Ever have that feeling you're standing on the precipice, maybe a cliff or a bridge or metaphorical despair? You're standing there knowing it would only take one small nudge to knock you off… Read More
2020-03-13 21:18
My brain has been up to some old tricks lately. Lots of random thoughts, one after another, with little or no defining line between them. I'm having trouble focusing. I'm tired, and even whe… Read More
2020-03-08 00:10
So this just happened. As I was perusing Facebook I came across a post from a former coworker of mine. It was a picture of Jim Carrey with this quote, "I believe depression is legitimate. Bu… Read More
2020-03-02 17:18
I've been wanting to write this post for awhile, but I knew it would take a lot of energy, and I just haven't had it. I also knew it would take a long time and prolonged sitting, which hasn'… Read More
2020-02-26 00:05
One step forward, one step back, two steps forward, one step back... I'm writing this from a nearly supine position, which is pretty challenging, because I've had a setback in my right hip r… Read More
2020-02-22 17:08
How many friends do you have? And I'm not talking about Facebook. I'm talking about face-to-face, actual relationship friends. I count three. I have three close friends.Of those 3 friends I… Read More
2020-02-16 00:26
I apologize. I don't have much to say. My days are incredibly long and dull as I recover from my labral reconstruction. I'm struggling to keep my mood in check. I go to the gym almost daily… Read More
2020-02-09 16:00
I'm continuing on my road to recovery, now just over 2 weeks post-op. My hip seems to be coming along as it should. I'm having less pain, more range of motion, tolerating my exercises better… Read More
2020-02-03 15:01
I'm now into my 10th day of right hip labral reconstruction post-op recovery, and I can say this for certain; recovery is exhausting! Damn, I'm tired. Living alone, doing everything on one l… Read More
2020-01-28 15:14
After sitting together for more than 10 hours, my friend Wendy finally felt okay to depart. On her way out the door she wryly smiled and said, "This could only happen to you." I laughed and… Read More
2020-01-24 03:19
Part of me just wants it to be over. It will be so much easier when it's done, I think. I hope. The waiting is nearly done, and although I'm anxious, I'm also relieved.I have to arrive at th… Read More
2020-01-19 03:08
Stigma: A mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality or person.I made an unhappy discovery this morning. I'm holding onto stigma. The very thing I preach against in… Read More
2020-01-13 02:15
Last Spring I finally decided to finish my basement remodel project, which I began over 10 years ago. I had one finished room and a half bath in my basement when I bought this house 15 years… Read More
2020-01-09 23:35
My plagiarism checker found an interesting little tidbit the other day. It turns out, in what was not a case of plagiarism, I was cited in a scientific journal article. I always thought I mi… Read More
2020-01-05 04:16
I believe it was last January. I landed a broad jump in an exercise class and knew immediately I shouldn't have done that. It was a tiny twinge. So slight, most people wouldn't have even not… Read More
2019-12-28 12:16
I don't remember my last drink. I don't recall one moment where I thought, "This is going to be my last drink." In fact, after being sober for a bit, I wasn't even sure on which date that la… Read More
2019-12-25 04:12
It's Christmas Eve. I'm home alone tonight. I'll be home alone again tomorrow. It's okay. But it's not great. I'd almost rather be working tomorrow, Christmas day, as it would allow me to be… Read More
2019-12-19 04:27
It's my birthday. I'm another year older. Wiser? I'm not so sure about that. It's been a tough year. And it's been a good year. I take the good with the bad, but if I'm honest, I admit I'm h… Read More
2019-12-13 03:20
If you read my last post, you might think the only things required to arrest a bout of severe depression are some sunshine, a bit of exercise, and time with good friends. In fact, for severa… Read More
2019-12-08 23:34
I'm back in the cold after thriving for one week in the sunshine and warmth of Austin,Texas. The time spent with my friends seems to have been the cure for what ailed me. My mood is much imp… Read More
2019-12-01 23:59
I'm one lucky woman. I have some great friends. They own a running shoe store in Duluth, Minnesota, which is quite convenient for a shoe lover like me! But that's beside the point. My friend… Read More
2019-11-26 04:00
I should be in bed. I'm exhausted. Today I worked my first full day since being hospitalized a couple of weeks ago, and it was a very busy day! Patient care takes a lot of brain energy and/o… Read More
2019-11-21 23:40
Nineteen years. After surviving and thriving following teenage depression, this ugly illness returned 19 years ago. It was November, 2000, when I first noticed the old, familiar symptoms. I… Read More
2019-11-17 01:39
After four and a half days I exited the hospital yesterday. I'm not sure I was totally ready to leave, but weekends on the inpatient unit tend to be very, very long. There was no guarantee b… Read More
2019-11-13 01:57
It took me 3 hours to swim 21 minutes and 32 seconds two days ago. Sunday was a slow day. I knew I needed to move. My brain was slow. My body ached. My sole was empty. I could find litt… Read More
2019-11-07 23:07
"Through my writing I hope I left this world with a better understanding of depression and maybe brought solace to a few people along the way."I wrote that sentence. It was before I fell asl… Read More
2019-11-04 03:17
This is one of those posts I hate to write. It's one of those reality check posts, where everything isn't going to turn out all sunshine and roses. This is a post about the stranglehold of d… Read More
2019-11-03 12:51
Plagiarism, again? As if feeling like crap wasn't frustrating enough, now I have another idiot plagiarizing my blog posts. Perhaps this particular idiot hasn't been around long enough to kno… Read More
2019-10-27 20:24
Dear Doc,You must get so weary, maybe even frustrated, with my I-don't-want-to-live-like-this moments; moments like now. It must be difficult for you. You've heard all of my complaints, proc… Read More
2019-10-23 01:15
I say if you're going to dream, dream big! I do. But I think it's just as important to act on my dreams. Otherwise they're just, well, dreams. Sometimes a dream, or a goal, is the only thing… Read More
2019-10-16 23:52
I'm not a fan of the word struggle when it comes to depression. I hear many people say they "struggle with" depression when identifying themselves as a person with depression. If you've been… Read More
2019-10-12 01:41
depression lies. unapologetically lies.worthless. hopeless. loser.incompetent. unsuccessful. fake.depression lies.inconsequential. expendable.no matter evidence otherwise. doesn't matter. do… Read More
2019-10-07 23:11
I wish I could say I handled yesterday with grace. After all, as I said, there will be other marathons, so missing the Twin Cities Marathon, in the grand scheme of things, was not the end of… Read More
2019-10-02 19:21
I'm sorry to say that my illness has progressed into what feels like pneumonia. I'm totally wiped out. With the exception of yesterday, I've not been able to work. I'm seeing my doctor tomor… Read More
2019-09-28 16:45
The illness situation at work intensified yesterday. Our medical staff closed and quarantined the entire facility. Nobody, no outpatients, no visitors, nobody was allowed inside. We have sev… Read More
2019-09-24 01:27
Everybody around me is sick! Race day is less than 2 weeks away. I'm in my second week of tapering, and I am paranoid! I'm certain I'm going to get sick.Something nasty is going around. We h… Read More
2019-09-20 01:12
My dog, Jet, is 7 years old today. Six years and 9 months ago, I rescued my boy. Who knows what his destiny may have been had he not been rescued from a puppy mill in Missouri by a Minnesota… Read More
2019-09-13 01:40
I'm in my final week of long miles and hard runs. I'll probably end up with a bit over 50 miles again this week, including a 20-miler on Sunday. I'm doing well. My right Achilles tendon cont… Read More
2019-09-07 19:45
After a good 20-miler last Sunday, I am now officially signed up to run the Twin Cities Marathon on October 6th. Unfortunately my right Achilles tendon did get a bit sore from approximately… Read More
2019-08-31 20:33
It's funny. As I sit here today, thinking about tomorrow, I feel butterflies in my stomach. No, I'm not running another race tomorrow. That's next Sunday. I've got butterflies because tomorr… Read More
2019-08-26 01:18
I ran a 1/2 Marathon yesterday. It started and finished only 1/2 mile from my house, and I had a 13 mile training run scheduled, so how could I not participate? I had no idea what to expect… Read More
2019-08-20 16:31
Meadowlands, Minnesota, only occupies 1/3 of a square mile. It is located in the middle of nowhere on Hwy 133 in northeastern Minnesota.When we moved in 1981 the population was 128. The popu… Read More
2019-08-16 01:25
Maybe the timing isn't the best, but my mom gave me the okay from her hospital bed, so I'm on a planned vacation in northern Minnesota. I've been looking forward to this time away for the en… Read More
2019-08-11 22:59
I grew up with drama in a dysfunctional family. Until I got sober, my life was frequently filled with drama. Having a chronic illness sometimes creates drama. I despise drama. I strive these… Read More
2019-08-06 00:23
I ran 16 miles yesterday. I haven't run that far or for that long, over 2.5 hours, in well over 2 years. It's great to be training again, but I think I forgot just how tough marathon trainin… Read More
2019-07-30 00:47
I have to admit, it doesn't take too much for me to feel like I've accomplished something. Having lived with depression for 18+ years, I've learned there is no accomplishment too small to ce… Read More
2019-07-23 22:41
It's been awhile since I wrote a post on my phone, not since I was in the Himalayas, in fact, but I'm waiting for a hair cut so thought I might as well make good use of my time. The good new… Read More
2019-07-18 00:10
I'm not sure what's up, but my sleep has been poor lately. I love to sleep. I need to sleep. But my no-longer-new, fancy Garmin watch tells me I'm getting less and less sleep. I'm not sure h… Read More
2019-07-11 23:04
It's only week two, but I'm pretty excited to be officially training again. My goal is the Twin Cities Marathon, October 6, 2019. Week one of my training could not have gone much better. I r… Read More
2019-07-08 00:49
If there is such a thing as a perfect weekend I think I just had it. I went to Duluth over the long July 4th weekend. I visited family, stayed and played with my good friends, watched firewo… Read More
2019-07-04 02:34
I don't have much time to write tonight, but I wanted to follow up on my last post. I am happy to report my supervisor and I had a long, face-to-face discussion yesterday, and as a result I… Read More
2019-06-27 22:29
I know I wrote recently about a stressful situation at work. I wrote about trying to accept the situation even though I didn't like it. Well, I just got my yearly performance review, and it… Read More
2019-06-25 00:48
Well, that was fun! I ran the Garry Bjorklund Half Marathon on Saturday. It's the half marathon run in conjunction with Grandmas Marathon in Duluth, Minnesota. I figured I'd run it a bit mor… Read More
2019-06-17 15:35
I'm in Colorado for my niece's wedding. I've never been to this area of Colorado previously, and it is gorgeous! Silverthorne, we're staying above 9500 feet, is surrounded by high peaks, mul… Read More
2019-06-09 22:27
Sometimes I wonder if mental illness has made my brain "fragile." It seems I'm unable to handle stress like I used to. Or perhaps I get stressed with less provocation than previously. My bra… Read More
2019-06-04 01:30
News flash: In the past I could be a jerk. When I was drinking and depression ruled my life, I wasn't always nice. I was self-centered. I was a victim. I was a know-it-all. Sometimes I was a… Read More
2019-05-28 21:41
Sunday was a gorgeous day to run 13.1 miles. Of course I haven't run 13.1 miles in several years, so I had no idea what to expect. Based on my recent training runs, which have been slow as u… Read More
2019-05-18 22:12
I just finished a long day of work on top of a long week of work, more hours than I've worked in months, and I came home to spam. And I'm not talking about the mystery meat, produced in a to… Read More
2019-05-12 21:33
I don't understand me. My coworkers and few close friends are shocked when I refer to myself as an introvert. With them I'm happy, smiley, funny, confident and energetic. But put me in a gro… Read More
2019-05-07 22:24
I told her I was scared and freaking out. She encouraged me not to freak out. But it's no use. It's been 5 days since she broke the news, and I'm still frightened. I'm still freaking out. My… Read More
2019-05-02 01:54
Things are weird here. Maybe it's the weather. Sun and 70 one day, snow the next. (I wish I was kidding.) My energy level and productivity have mirrored the weather in some ways. Some days… Read More
2019-04-24 23:58
Read this. UnitedHealth, a medical insurance company based right here in my home state of Minnesota, I'm sorry to say, apparently thinks health insurance parity laws are merely suggesti… Read More
2019-04-21 23:38
I love running on holiday mornings, especially the family-focused holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. My city is unusually quiet on these mornings, just as it was this morning… Read More
2019-04-18 18:45
I've been meaning to write for 4 or 5 days, but I'm not feeling all that inspirational or interesting right now. I'm getting back into the routines of my life as best I can. Things still are… Read More
2019-04-11 22:13
We're having some fun in Minnesota! It was 70 degrees and sunny on Monday. I raked my yard and re-seeded it during a glorious day Tuesday. Yesterday, however, it was 30 degrees with 45-50 mi… Read More
2019-04-07 22:25
Today was a breakthrough day. No, my mood isn't suddenly 100% better, but something pretty great occurred nonetheless. I ran a race! It was my first race in 2 years and 4 months. That's the… Read More
2019-04-02 20:16
I'm normal. All of my blood tests, which I wrote about in my last post, normalized over the course of a week. So while there is no explanation as to why my blood test results were abnormal t… Read More
2019-03-29 16:24
The good news? I'm feeling better. I had my sixth, and hopefully last, Ketamine infusion a few days ago. My mood has improved. I'm not back to normal yet, but I'm relieved and grateful to be… Read More
2019-03-23 14:42
No. I wouldn't say I'm better. My depression symptoms continue. I feel low, isolated, and hopeless most of the time. It doesn't matter that I have lots of friends, coworkers and professional… Read More
2019-03-21 00:08
He says, "But we grow stronger when we break." I don't know about that. I hope he's right. I'm broken Read More
2019-03-17 14:32
I'm back home. I left the hospital yesterday. I had a total of 4 Ketamine infusions over the course of my 17 days there. Seventeen days and 4 infusions later, I'd say I'm at about 65% of my… Read More
2019-03-15 00:25
Here's one symptom not mentioned in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual used to diagnose depression, total blackout. In speaking with friends and coworkers I've become aware that I remembe… Read More
2019-03-10 01:36
The answer, of course, is nothing. Wait, make that nothing! How many of you know where I'm going with this? If you have depression I bet you're all over it. The question is, "What trigg… Read More
2019-03-08 00:39
I've had a couple of very tough days since my first Ketamine infusion Tuesday afternoon. Prior to the infusion and for awhile after the infusion, my mood was improving and I had more energy… Read More
2019-03-05 01:44
I don't often share links to other material on this blog, but I've got one for you today. And I want to share it because it is the reason I composed my previous post, a space holder. Yesterd… Read More
2019-03-04 23:59
depression is not about feeling sad,
it's about feeling nothing at all.
vacant,
devoid of all appreciation, enjoyment, love,
and worst of all--
of gratitude.
without gratitude… Read More
2019-03-02 00:51
I think I got here yesterday. It's difficult to keep track of the days when one melds with the next and the next and the next. My brain is befuddled. My energy nonexistent. Yes, it must have… Read More
2019-02-28 05:53
It may come as a surprise to anyone reading this post that I sometimes have a very difficult time reaching out for help.
Today was an incredibly difficult day. This morning I had an MD appo… Read More
2019-02-26 06:43
I missed work Friday because my brain was sick. I missed work Saturday because my brain was sick. We had a blizzard Saturday night into Sunday morning. There were at least 12-16 inches of sn… Read More
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