2017-03-17 02:06
From time to time I check my stats, and people are obviously coming back here despite me not updating anything. So, a generic update. I am back home. Adjusting to home life is a… Read More
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Unsilenced | Childhood Sexual Abuse, Lessons Learned, The Light And The Darkness, The Secrets And Lies. The Truth About Childhood Sexual Abuse. Blog
survivingmama.wordpress.com
Childhood sexual abuse, lessons learned, the light and the darkness, the secrets and lies. The truth about childhood sexual abuse.
2017-02-25 03:33
Unfortunately some people are not respecting my wishes to not read this blog. These people are those who should respect me most, but the lack of respect is forcing me to stop writing h… Read More
2017-02-08 16:54
One thing about having no distractions is that you have time to think. Thinking is a double edge sword. Sometimes you have a light bulb moment. When these lights come on, t… Read More
2017-02-07 03:15
I wish I had a way of knowing. Knowing what people thought, knowing what my future holds, knowing if someday I will feel normal. I am tired of the unknown and uncertainty. … Read More
2017-02-04 16:06
The Post Traumatic Stress Recovery program here at Homewood concentrates on teaching their clients tools that will enable us to deal with the stressors and triggers in our loves. We do… Read More
2017-02-04 01:23
As I sit here in one of the lounges at Homewood, I wonder if I have ever written a post about PTSD. More specifically how PTSD has affected my life and the life of those around me. Fir… Read More
2017-01-26 01:22
I have been back at Homewood for two weeks. The time plays tricks on me here. I feel like I only arrived yesterday, yet each individual day seems excessively long. I have to say I am s… Read More
2017-01-25 03:16
Today I participated in a smudging for the first time. For those not familiar with smudging it is “a custom of Native American and other inside pus cultures. For centuries many c… Read More
2017-01-13 19:21
As the train pulled into the city that I was so familiar with, a heaviness was pulling me down. The weather reflected my mood. Icy rain hit against my face as I slowly made my wa… Read More
2016-12-31 00:30
I told my daughter last night. I don’t know what made me do it then, but I did. She broke my heart. She sobbed. She does not want me to leave. She asked for how long… Read More
2016-12-28 03:27
Christmas has come and gone, and soon we will be ringing in a new year. January 10th is quickly approaching, and my emotions are running high. My children have yet to know that I must… Read More
2016-12-12 20:13
I haven’t shared on here in a while. I have been debating whether to stop writing the blog all together, to start a new one, or continue on here. At this point in time, I am stil… Read More
2016-11-27 00:28
There are a few people reading this blog who I wish would stop. I know I can not control their actions, but considering their relationship with myself and my husband I would like them… Read More
2016-11-22 20:23
For the most part, I consider myself as quite self aware. I know when I need help, I know when something is not working. I just know myself. I never considered myself as someone… Read More
2016-11-20 19:23
Indirectly, the CSA that I have experienced is robbing me of a normal life. I have decided, on my own, that I am no longer able to drive for at least twelve hours after taking medicati… Read More
2016-11-16 17:42
You pull me, your fingers tight around my wrist. You want me to ignore the life I could have and instead stay in this dark hole. I see a bright light, it’s far away, but I believe it i… Read More
2016-11-09 03:06
Everyday I try my best. Sometimes my best is just getting out of bed long enough to dress, and feed my children, drive them to the bus stop and daycare, and return home to slip back in… Read More
2016-11-02 22:44
Facebook, the world of happy people and perfect families. A place where, for the most part, we are raising future leaders by feeding them all healthy organics food, spend hours outside… Read More
2016-10-27 23:01
A week ago or so I received a private message on FB from a work colleague. It was one of those ones you forward. It had a bouquet of flowers with the text “Hi… Today… Read More
2016-10-25 11:48
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder or Clinical depression. Do people know what these illnesses mean? Do they know that it is more than a fancy title?  &hell…Read More
2016-10-21 22:18
Official word came this week. I have been approved and have received funding to attend Homewood again in the New Year. I am excited and fearful all at the same time. Last t… Read More
2016-10-19 17:40
My nightly cocktail keeps me a safe distance from the edge.
I swallow my pride as I swallow the dozen pills.
They will soon make my brain foggy, my memory non existent
I will go to bed, but… Read More
2016-10-16 20:28
Last week I met my new counsellor from the sexual assault centre. I have had many new people enter and leave my circle of care during this past year, yet this was different. I wa… Read More
2016-10-05 14:04
The last two weeks have been difficult at best. I have been dealing with a lot of triggers, and without any warning started having suicid thoughts again. My healtg care team at m… Read More
2016-09-30 13:13
My eyes, they are constantly trying to see any amount of darkness they can get. They are begging for permanence. They are begging for it to be dark…always.
My life feels as though it… Read More
2016-09-29 12:13
“Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!” the words echo through my head. This is not a teenager’s words. These words are from the mouth of my daughter. Along wi… Read More
2016-09-23 22:57
As the air changes from humid and warm to crisp and cool, my head and my body seem to want to shut down. My body tells me that it only work seasonly, and that the season has come to an… Read More
2016-09-16 01:56
If there are any Blind spot fans reading this, the season premier left us (and Jane) wondering who’s the good guys and who’s the bad guys. In some ways I feel this is refle… Read More
2016-09-14 19:29
Here is an update since my last post. Some of the VPs within our local health authority, Horizon Health Network, we’re made aware of our plan to speak with the press. They contacted us… Read More
2016-09-07 17:48
I think the time has come. The more that I am subjected to the mental health system the more I find myself wanting to scream at the top of my lungs that as a city, a province, and as a… Read More
2016-09-02 11:56
One year ago at this time, little did I know, I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. I was planning on going back to work the week after school started, but realized that was not… Read More
2016-09-01 14:45
Yesterday I returned home after visiting my home town for almost a week. We had a family wedding to attend, which meant all my family would be there. This was the first time I wo… Read More
2016-08-09 14:46
Ever feel like your whole life purpose has somehow been ripped away from you? Like every goal you have ever set for yourself has somehow slipped through your fingers like dry sand on a sunny… Read More
2016-08-08 16:51
Time, like always, is flying by. I keep meaning to write, but one thing or another needs my attention and blogging gets thrown to the side. It might have been for the best this t… Read More
2016-07-15 11:25
What the fuck? Seriously. I am soooo sick of being made to feel like I am at fault. Last nigh I posted a plea to my FB friends to share my blog due to the unacceptable heal… Read More
2016-07-10 22:08
On Thursday evening I got a text. A friend of mine was in the ER. She was alone and suicidal. It was four in the afternoon and no one had checked on her since noon. She tol… Read More
2016-07-06 17:54
It’s ironic. Now, more than ever before, I have a team of health care providers who are on my side. My family doctor, my psychologist, my psychiatrist, my OT, they are all… Read More
2016-07-04 00:04
I have been back home for well over a month now. It seems like Homewood was in another lifetime. It seems so distant and far away. I can barely remember the calmness and t… Read More
2016-06-23 02:23
It’s been so long since I have worked I forget what sane people do all day long. It just took me about an hour to convince myself to shower. I settled on a bath cause… Read More
2016-06-09 02:45
I showered today. I sat, the water running down my lifeless like body. At some point, I noticed the water get cold, I turned the tap to the hottest and then sat there. Even… Read More
2016-06-07 19:54
I feel like it’s been forever. I have been home forever, I have not written a blog post in forever, I have not felt good in forever, I have not spent enough time with my husband… Read More
2016-05-26 19:57
Two kids without their mother,
A husband without his wife,
None of them asked for this,
But I brought mental illness into their life.
The tears that I shed were rarely seen,
I am the one who… Read More
2016-05-22 15:02
As I lay here, my mind wanders.
Like a child exploring a new world
It refuses to rest.
Even when sleep finally comes, my unconscious mind takes over.
I beg for sleep, I need it so badl… Read More
2016-05-14 02:18
It is hard to believe that it has been six weeks since arriving here at Homewood. It seems like yesterday that I was saying goodbye to my family and friends, and heading to a place so… Read More
2016-05-04 00:49
It happens every Tuesday. I wish I did not have to witness it. I wish I could just stay in my room and mourn the losses alone. But mostly I want to miss it because it is so… Read More
2016-04-20 02:08
The speed at which time goes by can be so slow and other times so fast. I arrived here at Homewood three weeks ago come this Wednesday. Another week and few days, I will be half… Read More
2016-04-14 16:11
This post is password protected. You must visit the website and enter the password to continue reading Read More
2016-04-14 16:11
Before I complain, let me assure you that I still love this place, and that there are so many things that I am learning to manage the symptoms of my PTDS.
However, I am experiencing o… Read More
2016-04-10 01:16
It is day 11 for me here at Homewood. Beginning Monday, I start the “active” phase of treatment. What this means is that we have been assigned to our therapist and sm… Read More
2016-04-03 18:07
It’s been a while since my last post. I have been thinking a lot, but having a hard time expressing myself in words. I need to first start by saying how lucky my family is… Read More
2016-03-17 00:39
For 15 years I have wished I were dead. For 15 years, I have woken up most mornings hoping that I would die that day. A car accident, getting hit by a bus, any random thing reall… Read More
2016-03-07 19:41
Today I found out that what I have wanted most for the past 4 months is now mine. My provincial Medicare plan is going to cover the rehabilitation centre that is out of province that I… Read More
2016-03-07 01:37
Last night, while all was calm around me, I was reminded of how it can be. I have been doing ok lately, although I know the meds are a huge factor in my relative stability. I sti… Read More
2016-03-04 02:22
Yesterday I got half of the news that I have been waiting for since January. My referral to a specialized PTSD inpatient treatment program was accepted. What I was not expecting… Read More
2016-03-01 13:01
It seems as though I have seen many sunrises and sunsets since I last wrote. Although like before, I am still not working in the traditional sense, I feel as though I have started a ne… Read More
2016-02-17 15:14
I am not sure where to start or what to say. I am downright frustrated and hurt. I am questioning myself, and everything I have ever experienced. I have always been so conf… Read More
2016-02-09 02:27
I feel off. There hasn’t been much that is different these past couple of days, but I am feeling more depressed and have even less energy to motivate myself.
I failed as a… Read More
2016-02-05 02:06
Tonight at dinner, over my daughter’s whining and my son’s acrobatics, I was thinking of this blog. I felt like I had not written anything in ages. I thought to myself &ldq&hell…Read More
2016-01-28 02:08
I have been out all day with my daughter and I am physically and mentally exhausted. However, one thing was on my mind all day, Bell Let’s Talk Day.
To be honest, I am not… Read More
2016-01-25 00:58
New Brunswick, the have not province. I try to stay positive, but with every encounter I have with the mental health system I am losing all faith. Now before I go completely nega… Read More
2016-01-18 18:35
I have no idea if I have written about this yet, so forgive me if I did. Since starting on all the meds it has been brought to my attention that my memory is not always the greatest.
A… Read More
2016-01-15 01:24
Run more, see friends more, get out more, see the positive more. More, more, more. I know this, I can’t take anymore “mores”. They are driving me crazy an… Read More
2016-01-13 01:38
I have spent the last week in a room with four walls. I was stripped of everything except my panties and was given a gown. I had a bed, a chair, a bedside table, and time. … Read More
2016-01-04 02:01
On New Years Eve I made a half of an attempt at ending it all. I took my meds (all of which should not be used with alcohol) drank wine and then took way too much insulin for my needs… Read More
2015-12-31 23:48
How do you explain depression, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder to someone who has never experienced mental illness? I feel as though people are starting to think “get o… Read More
2015-12-31 16:13
2015-12-30 01:00
I cried today…a lot. It’s not like I haven’t been crying a lot everyday lately, but today I cried because I am mourning the life that I once thought I would have.
Le… Read More
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Unsilenced | Childhood sexual abuse, lessons learned, the light and the darkness, the secrets and lies. The truth about childhood sexual abuse.
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