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Going Back

Official word came this week.  I have been approved and have received funding to attend Homewood again in the New Year.  I am excited and fearful all at the same time.  Last time, there was no discussion.  I had to go.  Those left at home would have to figure it out. This time it is different.

My Husband expresses his anger and points out regularly that I am leaving him again, alone, with two young children.  I read between the lines and what I see is loud and clear “I did not sign up for this.  You wanted two kids, now you are leaving us again”.  

The fact is, I am leaving.  I have no choice.  I am.not getting better here in NB.  My psychiatrist, although friendly and nice, is a new grad.  I tell her my opinion on what meds I think need changing and she simply writes the script.  Some dosages that I am on are now considered overdosing by Health Canada.  The cocktail of drugs leaves me unable to communicate or become fully conscious.  I can not go on and try to be a productive member of society the way I am now.

I don’t think my husband realizes how horrible it is going to be when I go through withdrawal from some of these drugs.  It is going to be torturous.  Just thinking of it causes anxiety.  I have no doubt that I will crash, the question is how hard?

With the change of seasons, so comes the change in my mood. Passive suicidal thoughts, sleeping all day, and being unable to do even the simplest of things scares me.  How far of a leap is it to be where I was last year at this time.  I have also distanced myself from all my supports.  I have not seen most of my friends all summer.  I am just to exhausted to actually make any plans, and no one is going to come and drag me out of the house.  There is also the problem of my meds and my ability to drive when on them.  The few times I wanted to go out I was too proud to ask for a drive.  I didn’t want to inconvenience anyone.  Now though, I feel extremely alone.

I am hoping I can get through until the New Year without any hospital admissions.  I hope that because I am not so acutely ill that I will get even more out of Homewood this time.  I hope my husband will understand. I am doing this for our family more than anything.  I want him to have his wife back and for my children to have their mom.


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Going Back

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