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function random_content(){ var mycontent=new Array() mycontent[1]='Be quiet, Brain, or I\'ll stab you with a Q-tip ' mycontent[2]=' Kill my boss?!? Do I dare live out the american dream? ' mycontent[3]='You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it\'s not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?' mycontent[4]=' Just because I don\'t care doesn\'t mean I don\'t understand. ' mycontent[5]=' I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. ' mycontent[6]=' The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid ' mycontent[7]=' Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can\'t remember if it\'s the thirteenth or fourteenth ' mycontent[8]=' An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools ' mycontent[9]=' If your doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar with a mirror ' mycontent[10]=' I can\'t die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver ' mycontent[11]=' I live my life like a keg party, always on tap ' mycontent[12]=' Party like a pornstar ' mycontent[13]=' SPOON! ' mycontent[14]=' The only way I\'d need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time. ' mycontent[15]=' I let a stripper talk me into getting my nipples pierced. It didn\'t take her much to convince me. It doesn\'t take women much to talk me into doing anything, really. She was beautiful, I\'d seen her naked. . . that\'s all it usually takes. ' mycontent[16]=' All technology leads to porn ' mycontent[17]=' Porn is the eternal beacon of progress ' mycontent[18]=' Never accept a drink from a Urologist ' mycontent[19]=' There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a hand-gun than a packet of cigarettes. ' mycontent[20]=' It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription. ' mycontent[21]=' People think hockey is a sport. It\'s not. Hockey is three activities taking place at the same time: ice skating, fooling around with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody. ' mycontent[22]=' I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out. ' mycontent[23]=' Carpe Scrotum! (grab life by the balls) ' mycontent[24]=' my girlfriend can\'t wrestle, but you should see her box! ' mycontent[25]=' Master Fly Dazzle in da house ' mycontent[26]=' I don\'t drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs. ' mycontent[27]=' Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. ' mycontent[28]=' Always be ready to try to out drink someone (even if you can\'t). It\'s always a great story if you do beat them...and of course it\'s another story if you don\'t. ' mycontent[29]=' You know you\'re a drunk when go on a 2 week bender after seeing "Drink Bud Dry".....And then you find out it\'s a campaign slogan, not a challenge. ' mycontent[30]=' I do a great Elvis impersonation...I sit naked on my toilet and pretend I\'m dead... ' mycontent[31]=' I\’m a star in the world of surveillance video. ' mycontent[32]=' What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, preferably buried in a shallow grave near the airport. ' mycontent[33]=' I\'m not a slut, I\'m a self-pimp. ' mycontent[34]=' IT\'S BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST than to live with a Psycho for the rest of your life. ' mycontent[35]=' Of course I\'M IN GREAT SHAPE. I play Rock, Paper, Scissors. ' mycontent[36]=' A Wise Man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn\'t pee on his hands. ' mycontent[37]=' MESS WITH ME and you mess with the whole trailer park. ' mycontent[38]=' NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER of stupid people in large groups. ' mycontent[39]=' Someday we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. ' mycontent[40]=' THERE\'S A PLACE FOR ALL GOD\'S CREATURES......right next to the potatoes & gravy. ' mycontent[41]=' I\'M CONFUSED. No, wait... Maybe I\'m not. ' mycontent[42]=' I LOVE YOU MORE TODAY THAN YESTERDAY. Yesterday you really pissed me off. ' var ry=Math.floor(Math.random()*mycontent.length) if (ry==0) ry=1 document.write(mycontent[ry]) } random_content() //-->