Disassociated Press -

Somewhere in Somalia.

Moon Zuppa was deep in Somali pirate territory and gained intimate information and knowledge regarding the pain suffered through American cultural imperialism by Somali pirates. We met one, who goes by the name 'Kony' who asked to read his manifesto to us. We agreed.

"We demand the Americans change the name  of the Pittsburgh Pirates immediately or suffer the consequences! We've been insulted long enough! Um, that is all."

After publishing this remarkable proclamation Ed Asner contacted us through Skype to impart his opinion.

"It is incumbent on us to pay attention to the impact our actions have on other cultures" said Ed Asner. "I mean, like, they chose the name 'Pirates' back in the days when we were ignorant. Like, dumb ignorant, you know? Like, 18th or 19th century stoopid."

When told The Age of Enlightenment and other philosophical and cultural movements that shaped the foundation of Western achievement were born in those centuries, Asner replied, "Yeah, off the backs of the poor people!

Out of nowhere, Bill Maher came in the picture and chimed in. "You must be some sort of libbertarian. Who don't you move to your precious libbertarian paradise in Somaliland!"

We asked Kony under what circumstances they would accept the name Pirates. "Yes. If they win more titles. We're watching."

***

Artists who helped propel a liberal-progressive-tyrant into power are now ruing the day did so. Moon Zuppa has learned Bebe Lee who rode his "Coercive Compassion is Compassion" campaign to power largely thanks to a caravan of artists who supported him has arrested each of them and it has been reported plans to execute them.

Details are sketchy at the moment but one insider has revealed "useful idiots are good for some of the time but not all of the time since they can easily start to write music against your power. Mr. Lee must think of the children and urges people to respect the democratic process."