Welcome to 2010 my fellow Bearded ones. It may not have escaped your notice that we have been blessed recently by the arrival of three snowflakes and a bit of cold air that has managed to cripple large parts of middleclass Britain.

Although one must admit that up here in the North of England it has been cold enough to for some northern-lasses to consider wearing more opaque tops for New Year’s eve.

One has also been shaken in Beard-central by the arrival of Al Qaeda’s new line in men’s lingerie. Yes, my erstwhile friends, we have seen the launch of the AQ’s Detonator Pants, as demonstrated by Mr O.F Abumattalab of Lagos, Nigeria. I believe he was taking a sabbatical from sending e-mails asking for help with recovering his “Friend’s” millions. Though, being the amateurs that they are, the branding on the pants was woeful and will surely leave them open to counterfeits flooding in from China. There are times when a gusset full of PETN just isn’t going to be enough to visually build the brand.

As with AQ's attempt to break into the footwear market, the effect was less Detonator and more roasted chestnut. Look on the bright side ... at least they have a theme tune

This also presents the FB with a problem. As you all know, your friend the bearded one, is prone to international travel. As a result I have a feeling that I shall be having more close encounters with the gentlemen in uniform than is strictly agreeable unless you’re a fan of The Village People.

The response from our esteemed elders in government is to use bodyscanners. For those of you unaware of the devices just think back to when you were a teen and you thought Superman’s ability to use X-ray vision was wasted on saving the planet. The Backscatter Scanner lets the highly underpaid comic-book fan - who is your security official for the day - use x-ray vision on your lumpy bits. It's a great opportunity to rehabilitate citizens who's only other contribution to society is the VAT paid on their late night cable TV purchases.

In the FB’s case this might be more of a problem for the poor sod staring at the screen, but may cause a few issues with people of a more private disposition. At this point the FB wonders if it would be appropriate to reclassify the phrase “Going Commando”.