Dear trade me

This was going to be a Love letter, but the more I think about it, this relationship is toxic. like a good Britney Spears song gone techno, Trade me you do not love me like I do you.

Your love is fickle and your promises are kept only until you get a better offer. Trade me you trade me in time after time to bob3nz. bob3nz and his friends do not know you like I do, trade me, they do not sit up late at night trying to find the perfect match. They do not select the ideal autobid and then fantasize about their new $5 gumboots to be woken up but the cruel reality that jazzedpossum79 has snuck in and my boots are lost forever. Trade me, you just let this happen.. Did you ever even consider of the poor fate of my doomed boots now that they are on a jazzedpossum79?  I do.

Trade me, once you let me bid on a fully assembled 14 foot Trampoline accross the country. Trade me, how was I meant to get this trampoline to me? You know I live 500 miles from it, trade me, surely you saw how pretty and gleaming and just fucking magnificent it was.  You know I could not resist it’s chrome finish and springless physique.  You let me out bid  bestmom34 in a late night brawl that involved 25 refreshes per minute and not even a pee break… I anhilated  bestmom34 in the last 34 seconds. Clearly the bleak dawn of april 12 2017 she was not in fact the best mom, was she? poor bestmom34 who clearly lived in the vicinity of gleaming trampoline and could have given it a better life. She probably had only one child named Susan who enjoys playing barbies and making trampoline forts… But no, I won and I had one spend 25 sleepless nights carousing with dirty truckers to get me my tramp. My gleaming trampoline who now sits atop dog shit and houses two abusive toddlers and two canines of dense intelligence and dirty paw.

Trade me, when things go well my love for you is bountiful.  Your trades are tremendous and my heart soars. Sometimes I just
gently stroke my $30 dryer late at night and often I lay upon my  designer couches like rose pointedly perched on that velvet couch as Jack painted her like a French girl.
But then trade me I recall the time you infested the armpits of my only son. Trade me we both know timpletim01 seemed like a nice enough bloke , his rating was excellent so I knew you where into him too. In fact,  it seemed he was going to a regular in our relationship.  We where both down with that …. but no, along with the toddler bed he gave me was a mattress infested with fifty ferral fleas that chomped on my baby with such ferocity and furor it made several plagues seem like  simple gatherings of friendly fireflies..

And so it seems although our relationship has been far from boring, and I take full responsibility for the time I left you for Mary Potter’s hospice and the brief Salvation army fling of 2016 , it seems I now need to move on for good.

Please know this has nothing to do with aliexpress or wish, I know you where always jealous, but we are just friends. besides the cultural divide I could never love any man, let alone two who insists on sending me clothing for midgets even though I ALWAYS tick Xxxxxl…

and so, so long old lover of mine. I wish you only good trades and happy reserves

yours tradefully
Jessica