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Parenting, Wife-ing and 30-someth-ing in all the glory of its unbridled honesty, coupled with two dogs, and international immigration and a secret longing to give it all up and become a ghetto club dancer.
10 Years Of Loving You
2019-10-30 07:39
Prologue/ Hoe diaries episode 1 Our story starts back in 97. I had just turned 14 and my braces and acne were holding me back from making the most of my burgeoning chest. It was my cousin&r&hell…Read More
2019-04-11 01:58
After almost 10 years of (mostly) monogamy, trust and union, I am here to give you my fail proof marriage tips. A guide to being the best-est modern wife you can be, without actually being o… Read More
2018-09-25 10:36
I finally watched Amy Schumer’s latest chick flick “I  feel pretty”. Yes. I realise i’m about a year late to this discussion. Soz. Motherhood in the thirties doe… Read More
2018-09-25 10:25
8My 3 year old son has a 4 year old sister he adores. When she gets dressed in the mornings, he wants to look like her. Sometimes he will ask for a pretty skirt over his jeans. If he wants a… Read More
2018-09-08 01:29
I want you to know that its hard and heavy somedays. All the skype sessions in the world cannot come close to mom’s chocolate brownies. I want you to know that the hard days wont… Read More
2018-08-16 08:39
This post has been trying to write itself for a few months now. Its not an easy one to put out into the interwebs,  which is strange because with every other aspect of my life, im as op… Read More
2018-06-21 22:12
It’s easy to write funny stories, it’s not easy to ask for help. As some of you know, my mom has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. My brother and I have been abl… Read More
2018-05-05 23:19
I am raising my kids with the knowledge of many religions and the inclusion of none. Should they wish to choose one path when the time comes, I hope to have given them access to unbiased inf… Read More
2018-03-27 10:17
On the day of my birth, the one day of me. for me. My god given day of rest. The day to say fuck you to the vacuum cleaner. To enjoy a hot meal not made by me. To maybe recieve a voucher for… Read More
Mama’s A Runner, Bitch.
2018-02-08 23:45
Welcome to my new segment, timed perfectly as we kick into 2018.  I have named this series #mamasarunnerbitch because. I’m a mama. and now a runner. and bitch sounds bad ass.&nbsp&hell…Read More
2017-12-01 05:53
My Dear, kind husband is turning 40 soon.  I want to ensure he is sufficiently spoiled this birthday. It’s the big 40 and he deserves a little something special. My budget as the… Read More
2017-10-18 23:18
I see you there overachieving extramural mom and I want to let you know I’m a judging you too!  that’s right. No longer will  I hide from you for fear of PTA engagement… Read More
Selfie Destruction
2017-10-13 08:40
You guys, can someone please tell me why any person would put a pair of virtual animated pink bunny ears on their 45 year old face for no good reason? Why Susan, why would you do it?  I… Read More
House Mouse
2017-09-25 08:43
Within our house resides a mouse. Not in a cage, not in a box. A free range mouse is scurrying around the skirtings of my abode this very moment, as free as a 42 year old divorcee called Deb… Read More
2017-09-11 21:54
Model wears: Bag and Shoes- Salvation Army  Store Jeans-  Baptist Church opshop Shirt- st Mays hospice pre loved shop Jacket- $1 Trade me reserve Hair- 4 box dyes that calminated… Read More
Making Baking My Bitch
2017-09-10 10:11
I cannot bake. I dont know how the fuck I missed that chromosome. My mom clearly did not see any potential in me and by the age of 16, everytime I stepped foot in the kitchen our maid demand… Read More
2017-09-01 06:03
I think I may be the worst South African in the free world. Actually, I’m not quite sure which expat South African I am.  I know I am not the bloke at the BBQ bashing good ‘… Read More
Hey There New Potential Girlfriend
2017-08-15 04:07
Hey there new potential girlfriend, Let me stop you right there. I may look funny and nurturing but before we go any further and I disappoint you, please know that I’m a useless friend… Read More
Moving House And Gyrating Jessie
2017-07-26 23:19
So a big dicision has been made and Im not ready to deal with it. Moving house is the bane of my fucking core existance. So much do I hate hauling 20 cubic metres of mac donalds toys and 3 t… Read More
2017-06-08 08:56
Dear trade me This was going to be a love letter, but the more I think about it, this relationship is toxic. like a good Britney Spears song gone techno, Trade me you do not love me like I d… Read More
Pink Floyd Sounds Different Now
2017-05-26 23:07
Sometimes my mom doesn’t know who I am. She knows me but she doesn’t see where I fit in. She tells me stories about myself in the third person, she refers to my dad by his first… Read More
Bye Bye Boo(b)
2017-04-27 08:56
There are two types of toddlers in this world. Those blue eyed freaks that give up breastfeeding naturally and painlessly. And  Casey Galloway, who required 2 liters of holy water, a mu… Read More
10 Years Of Lon And Jess
2017-03-30 06:08
THE STORY OF A DUCK AND A GOOSE 10 years ago I moved to an “estate”  that was really a ghetto  housing complex for single mums and juvie delinquents.  It was the… Read More
2017-03-16 23:01
Being 32 It’s taken me 32 damn years to finally realize that life is for living, family is for loving, health is for preserving and fun is for having. If you are younger than 32, pleas… Read More
Winging It Like A Mom Boss
2017-01-30 04:52
So in my almost year of stay at home-ing. I have come to realize that in fact, you can wing pretty much everything, and still come out looking like an A type pinterest-ing, craft gun gluing… Read More
Where Do My Pants Go?
2017-01-19 10:20
Teenagers, Teenagers, Teenagers. I don’t know what the heck you guys are smoking out there in teenworld 2017, but you have taken it upon yourselves to wear you jean pants, short s… Read More
It’s Funny Cos I’m Fat
2017-01-09 07:55
2016 was a hamster wheel of madness for us. Immigration. moving house. twice. trying to extract beloved dogs from Africa. Dealing with many levels of despair at leaving my mama. Being the ho… Read More
Dear Kapiti Coast Rental Market
2016-10-19 22:28
‘The Fuck is going on here? It’s been 6 months. 6 months of this little game you play. Like a crazed lover you keep me begging.   I am having nighmares of the trade me… Read More
It’s Hard Out Here For A 1st World Mom
2016-08-31 04:03
Disclaimer: If you have a penis, please discontinue reading. Thou shall only judge and offer judgmental judgy practical and boring daddy advice. Ain’t nobody got time for that…… Read More
WTF New Zealand Vol.2
2016-07-25 22:43
Dear New Zealand. I was super proud of you. I ventured forth into your marketplace and I located a good old sausage,  or some wors for our afrikaans friends, or what you kiwi’s ma… Read More
Man Flu Poo
2016-07-25 09:18
There are few things I fear more than my husband falling ill. It would  take two babies with simultaneous projectile vomiting and Swedish measles at 3 am to come close t… Read More

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