Okay. I really have to get this off my chest – so…..
If you don’t like profanity – stop reading.
If you don’t like being told what to do – stop reading.
If, as a Parent, you don’t like other parents berating you – stop reading.
ETC. ETC.
*This primarily refers to UK parents (parents from other countries are ‘available’.)
When I say ‘New Parents’ I mean anyone about to have a child – up to and including those with teenagers.
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD – WHY DID YOU HAVE KIDS?!
I cannot tell you the number of times myself, a friend, or colleagues have said this.
First of all – once a parent, always a parent. It never stops, EVER, get that straight first off. Christ, my folks are in their 80s – and they still worry about me and my brother! They still have parental concerns. They still hope we are managing okay.
Secondary schools are busy telling 13 year olds that their GCSE options are the most important decision they will ever make.
NOT TRUE!!
Listen up –
There are only 2 – yes two – decisions you will make in life that have great importance.
1. Do I spend the rest of my life with this other person?
2. Should I/we bring another human being into the world?
That’s it. Everything else is gravy.
Assuming you, reading this, said ‘yes’ to number 2, then I hope you have thoroughly prepared yourself for a life devoted to another human being’s well-being until said being is a fully independent adult – (this might extend to 25 as the new scientists are saying this is the age of real maturity for humans today!)
Question – What do you think the role of a school teacher is?
Do you realise that in hundreds of primary schools across the UK, teachers are having to –
a)Teach children how to tie their shoelaces.
b)Teach children how to use a knife and fork.
c) Teach children how to blow their noses.
d)Teach children how to use the toilet.
e)Teach children how to write their own first name.
This is basic stuff folks. Your child should be able to do all of the above before he or she begins school. At this point I will say that in some instances, some kids aren’t going to be able to do these things, because they may have a physical difficulty; say cerebral palsy, which vastly reduces their co-ordination skills. In my experience, mostly, these parents have found ways to help their kids deal with this – so it’s not those parent’s I’m talking to – it’s the dolts who don’t give enough of a fuck to make an iota of effort to do something to help their own kids!!!
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD – WHY DID YOU HAVE KIDS?!
Then there are those who don’t let their kids think or speak for themselves. All decisions are made for these little maggots who are apparently so darling, that mummy and/or daddy will cosset them to the extent that they cannot do anything by the time they hit their teen years.
Stop trying to keep your teens permanently at the ‘child’ stage. Jeez. They are not dolls to play with, to be discarded when you want another baby, because you yourself are stuck in a perpetual baby stage and cannot deal with actual thinking, functioning human beings – so they get demoted to house-cleaner, child-minder, shopper, carer etc. Etc.
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD – WHY DID YOU HAVE KIDS?!
Remember the old driving adverts – ‘Think. Before You Drink. Before You Drive’ ?
This needs to be applied to wannabe parents.
Because some sure as hell are not thinking before you get pissed and find yourselves pushing a baby buggy.
Parenting is hard work.
Let’s say it again for the one at the back picking their nose…
Parenting is hard fucking work!
But the rules are easy – so long as you stick to them. Here we go –
1. If you aren’t prepared to put yourself second – don’t have kids. No exceptions to this rule, nope. Stop right now. Go get a dog, better still, a mouse – they only live for two or three years.
2. Assuming you agree that you are, in fact ready, prepare. Like military preparation, stock up on knowledge – that’s your weapon stash. Read stuff. Inform yourself. Take classes. Whatever it takes for you to gain knowledge about parenting, do it. (*Pssst…as a side note, but not to ruin it…you can never be prepared for the reality.)
3. Teach your tot to blow their own nose – around 2 years is about right.
4. Get them out of the damn nappies before they start school. FFS! And teach them how to wipe their bums – why should someone else have to wipe your kids arse because you were too damn lazy to show them how?!
5. Table manners – knife in right hand, fork in left. Mouth closed whilst chewing.
6. Let your child have fun – that’s what kids are meant to do. You did not give birth to your own domestic servant.
7. Praise them when they try. Everyone likes to have their efforts recognised. Your kids do great things too, so tell them.
8. Have rules, and stick to them. Regular bedtime. Regular mealtimes, etc.
9. Shoelaces – please, for goodness sake, ensure your kid can tie his/her shoelaces, otherwise, they will be the butt of other kid’s jokes and the laughing stock of the class in college.
10. Don’t answer for them when a question has been directed at them – this is insane – yet it happens folks – shy kids really struggle – but you know what? YOU AREN’T HELPING THEM. Stop it. Be encouraging, then praise them for being brave.
11. Encourage, no, demand, regular teeth cleaning. Twice a day, morning and night. You will not believe how many teens I have encountered with horrendous halitosis, bad teeth, missing teeth or – worst of all – the one tooth look, caused by plaque!!!!! NO!! NO!!! NO!!!
12. And whilst I’m on cleanliness and personal hygiene – wash their fucking clothes for them. Please! I see too many kids with grey, greasy smears down pants and jackets. You’re the adult – get washing.
See, easy isn’t it!
Take responsibility. Sure, we all make mistakes at times, we can all get stressed and make a cock-up of a situation. But if you’re not making the effort in the first place….
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD – WHY DID YOU HAVE KIDS?!
If you made it to the end of this rant, congratulations. I don’t have a prize for you, but I do offer my gratitude and delight that you stayed the distance.
Now go be the best parents (or non-parents) you can be.
