i've always felt that my boyfriend is lacking the Communication skills to express himself, to open himself up and let me into his inner world.
last night, he told me that he doesn't have one. that this is him being open, that this is him communicating. he told me that he is perfectly open with me as far as he concerned. he told me he is not hiding anything from me and that there is no intimate thoughts world that he is keeping from me.
he told me that he doesn't believe he experiences that same range of happiness/ unhappiness scale of emotions like he sees other people expressing. he told me that he doesn't think about, nor has a curiosity about other people's feelings, about knowing people, about sharing internal emotions. he just isn't like that.
he told me that other girlfriends have raised this issue with him before and there has been no resolution. he was never able to find a solution nor does he know how to address this. he cannot really figure out what the issue is, nor what to do about it.
he also told me that he is happy to answer questions when and if i have them. if his lack of communication is making me feel insecure and doubtful that i should just ask him whenever i'm in doubt about anything.
and now, now i am trying to process the implications that this poses. my thoughts are all over the place, as well as my feelings. i was in love with this man. i thought this is the most amazing man that i've ever been with. and i just found out that the man is dead inside. that i was loving a ghost.
i always thought or should i say hoped that he doesn't trust me enough or that there is a natural building up of openness and that he is particularly closed but that it's just a matter of time. now of course knowing i have completely imagined and misjudged this, i am questioning a few more other things.
does he even want to be in a relationship?
does he want to be in a relationship with me?
if so, are you willing to put work and effort to make the relationship work for both of us?
if so, are you willing to put work and effort to make the relationship work for both of us?
why does he want to be in a relationship with me?
how does he feel about me?
this is the first time i have ever been faced with anything like this. it's a tremendously interesting, challenging and learning opportunity. i am not sure how much i am trying to observe myself during this experience and how much i am experiencing it.
i am not sure if i should cry - after all, it seems that this man has crushed a hope and dream. is my lack of an emotional reaction a sign that i deep down knew this and it's not such a big surprise? is it because i'm just putting myself into a Numbing State. this numbing state usually precedes self-destruct behaviour.
i am definitely in some sort of limbo state, where i am trying to understand him, i am trying to understand myself. and the funny realisation that none of this stuff will ever cross him mind in his entire life, with anything.
for me, asking a man that i am in a relationship with these sort of questions or any other important for me to find out information would just be un-heard of. i would rather die than have asked any of it. most of the men i have ever been with would have just expressed themselves.
so i know that this is at least a chance for me to grow, to get out of my comfort zone and with some pain and awkwardness to put myself out there and ask uncomfortable questions.
what is the main fear and issue with asking questions? i guess being aware of what they are in the first place. i guess i am finding it really hard to phrase into questions things that most of the times happen in the subconscious mind. things that are expressed through non-verbal communication. there's a reason 70% of human communication happens through non-verbal language. because verbal communication has it's very hard limits and words ca only go so far.
this exercise would definitely increase and improve my self-awareness and the awareness of the feelings and thoughts that i have. awareness - at least so far for me - has been an immense help and hugely important for my self-growth. i would find it uncomfortable but i know that doing anything to raise my awareness is beneficial.
but what else? thinking about questions is one thing. but getting an uncomfortable answer to a question is another thing. which i guess i would not mind that much. theoretically of course. the pain that i might get from receiving an answer to a question will be temporary, but at least i would not kid myself to live with some false belief. so the pursuit of truth is worth the potential temporary pain associated with it.
all of this sounds a bit arduous. i am not sure if i want to live my life next to someone who doesn't care about other humans nor has any interest in how they feel. my own self growth doing this mind-fuck for a while is of course worth it, just as it has been in the past with all of my previous relationships, but, at the end of the day, when you know that something will have a natural end to it, you cannot give yourself away, you cannot be fully into the relationship.
there are of course other avenues to take. i can just stop this and move on to finding someone else. if i was ready to do that, i would not have written a dozen paragraphs of text in this post. i know i am not ready to do that yet, for whatever reason.
i know that there is no perfect person nor a perfect relationship. and the key is know what your non-negotiables are and what you can compromise and work on in that relationship. i guess i am not yet convinced this is a non-negotiable for me. and that's what i've got to discover.
