i was broken.
i was searching for my way for a long time. i had just started to find something that resonated with my soul but i never knew if it was really music or just a brief sound. i didn't know if i was just taking up words that sound good but not really apply them. i needed to find my true self somewhere between words and ideas of other people and my own feelings.
and then you came along. and i fell in Love so hard. so mighty. i hadn't felt like that since i was 17 years old. butterflies were in my stomach before every kiss. every touch was just filled up with joy and shyness and fear at the same time. a unique blend of the most godly feelings. love like that doesn't come very often. it's the best and the scariest.
i was so insecure and constantly doubted myself. i was so scared of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing.
i had no idea that those were just the perfect conditions for me to show how much i've grown and how much i've changed.
the more i had to lose, the more Pain that could come with it. and the easier it would be for me to go down the avoidance path and take familiar, superficial route. and be closed and uninvolved.
but i didn't. i jumped. i loved you so much, but most of all, i showed you so much of my love. i stayed open, despite you being more closed than i could ever imagine someone can be. i stayed warm, affectionately touching you, despite you being the coldest man I have ever been with. i started all of our talks, despite my heart shrinking to a pin head. i kissed you first, i touched you first, i initiated more of our intimate moments than i could ever imagine i was capable of. i had never been able to do that before i met you.
i smiled more when i should have bled. i smiled and took another hit, because i realised with every emotional punch how strong i am. and all of my power was coming from my ability to accept you for who you are, to love you with all your flaws and to forgive you for all your wrongdoings because i knew none of them were directed towards me. i had taken so many of these things personally in all of my previous relationships.
instead of reacting, i gave myself 24h to think through and consciously explore my feelings and my beliefs. not what society has taught me i'm supposed to think and feel, but what i actually think and feel. every time when i did that, i felt so empowered. i had been so reactive before i met you. instead, i got to be rational, i got to feel in control and stay open towards you.
i experienced jealousy for the first time. i have always had complaints from my previous relationships that i am not jealous.
when feeling Hurt, instead of seeking vengeance like in the past (not in an aggressive way, but still in a you-got-me, i will-get you way), i seek to turn the other side of my heart. i used to know all of the guys who loved me so well, and i would just be able to hurt them so easily and use that knowledge to hurt them back whenever i felt that they hurt me. they, of course, didn't mean any of it, but i would still enjoy using my power when, in fact, i didn't know how weak i was.
you made me realise how nice, caring and gentle i can be. i was truly amazed by how much i was able to change and how quickly you got those positive aspects out of me. they were buried deep down inside, but they came out so much with you. i have been so patient, so understanding. so gentle, so caring, so expressive. you have also been nothing short of amazing, just like many others in my past.
i am so grateful for having had the opportunity to practice and learn first hand all of these aspects of myself. it truly requires a special kind of man to get me to where i have gotten and i can only say you were exactly what i needed.
finally, the last thing you taught me about myself is commitment. i have never been more committed to someone else before. i wanted to make our relationship work, fix it and improve it rather than just run away and start another one, which would have been my normal path at the first sign of trouble.
i always have said about myself that i have commitment issues. but you have made realise that you are truly the first man that I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with. and that is the most empowering feeling.
because you see, i am not broken anymore.
i thought i was irreparably broken. but you made me feel whole again. it's funny feeling like this since we just broke up, but you see i don't need to be with you or anyone else to feel whole.
i wanted you to want to be with me forever and you just weren't there. and that's ok. but me being capable of wanting something as big as that commitment i feared all my life that i would be incapable of feeling. and you showed me that i am capable.
all of this might sound ridiculous cause i'm a girl, right? all girls want to get married and have children. but you see, i have never been like any of my friends, i have never felt like i belonged. i have always felt like an outsider. like there was something fundamentally wrong with me. i heard all of my friends all of my life talking so effortlessly about commitment and sharing a life with someone like it was the most natural thing to feel. and I could never feel, never understand, never empathise. i could pretend, i would make them laugh at my weirdness, i could just play it down, but it was always fake.
and i know it was my fear of getting hurt, my fear of pain that was never going to allow me to go all in. it was my hating so much of myself that i could not find it in my heart to love myself.
and then, i felt it all. i felt so much love for you and then so much pain. on the day of my house warming party, i finally did it. i experienced the pain that comes with loving someone so much and them hurting you. the pain that comes from being truly open with someone and giving them the best version of your raw soul. and my soul got torn apart, but it somehow bounced back and became stronger and better for it. it became more adaptable and more flexible. my worst nightmare happened and it was the best experience.
and then every hit after that, was just a stretch. it just exercised my power - to keep loving you despite what you were saying, to forgive you and find the best in you when you didn't see it yourself.
and of course i felt more pain, i am not immune to it. but i have now seen what it is to grow and become better for it. so much growing. the love that i had for you changed me in more ways than i could have ever thought possible. it has brought balance, healing, acceptance, forgiveness and kindness in my heart.
and there's no better feeling in the world than realising what you're made of, when things are good as as well when things go bad. and staying in a loving place when you are in pain is the hardest thing i've ever had to do, but by far the most rewarding.
i could never thank you enough.
goodbye and goodnight my love.
i was searching for my way for a long time. i had just started to find something that resonated with my soul but i never knew if it was really music or just a brief sound. i didn't know if i was just taking up words that sound good but not really apply them. i needed to find my true self somewhere between words and ideas of other people and my own feelings.
and then you came along. and i fell in Love so hard. so mighty. i hadn't felt like that since i was 17 years old. butterflies were in my stomach before every kiss. every touch was just filled up with joy and shyness and fear at the same time. a unique blend of the most godly feelings. love like that doesn't come very often. it's the best and the scariest.
i was so insecure and constantly doubted myself. i was so scared of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing.
i had no idea that those were just the perfect conditions for me to show how much i've grown and how much i've changed.
the more i had to lose, the more Pain that could come with it. and the easier it would be for me to go down the avoidance path and take familiar, superficial route. and be closed and uninvolved.
but i didn't. i jumped. i loved you so much, but most of all, i showed you so much of my love. i stayed open, despite you being more closed than i could ever imagine someone can be. i stayed warm, affectionately touching you, despite you being the coldest man I have ever been with. i started all of our talks, despite my heart shrinking to a pin head. i kissed you first, i touched you first, i initiated more of our intimate moments than i could ever imagine i was capable of. i had never been able to do that before i met you.
i smiled more when i should have bled. i smiled and took another hit, because i realised with every emotional punch how strong i am. and all of my power was coming from my ability to accept you for who you are, to love you with all your flaws and to forgive you for all your wrongdoings because i knew none of them were directed towards me. i had taken so many of these things personally in all of my previous relationships.
instead of reacting, i gave myself 24h to think through and consciously explore my feelings and my beliefs. not what society has taught me i'm supposed to think and feel, but what i actually think and feel. every time when i did that, i felt so empowered. i had been so reactive before i met you. instead, i got to be rational, i got to feel in control and stay open towards you.
i experienced jealousy for the first time. i have always had complaints from my previous relationships that i am not jealous.
when feeling Hurt, instead of seeking vengeance like in the past (not in an aggressive way, but still in a you-got-me, i will-get you way), i seek to turn the other side of my heart. i used to know all of the guys who loved me so well, and i would just be able to hurt them so easily and use that knowledge to hurt them back whenever i felt that they hurt me. they, of course, didn't mean any of it, but i would still enjoy using my power when, in fact, i didn't know how weak i was.
you made me realise how nice, caring and gentle i can be. i was truly amazed by how much i was able to change and how quickly you got those positive aspects out of me. they were buried deep down inside, but they came out so much with you. i have been so patient, so understanding. so gentle, so caring, so expressive. you have also been nothing short of amazing, just like many others in my past.
i am so grateful for having had the opportunity to practice and learn first hand all of these aspects of myself. it truly requires a special kind of man to get me to where i have gotten and i can only say you were exactly what i needed.
finally, the last thing you taught me about myself is commitment. i have never been more committed to someone else before. i wanted to make our relationship work, fix it and improve it rather than just run away and start another one, which would have been my normal path at the first sign of trouble.
i always have said about myself that i have commitment issues. but you have made realise that you are truly the first man that I really wanted to spend the rest of my life with. and that is the most empowering feeling.
because you see, i am not broken anymore.
i thought i was irreparably broken. but you made me feel whole again. it's funny feeling like this since we just broke up, but you see i don't need to be with you or anyone else to feel whole.
i wanted you to want to be with me forever and you just weren't there. and that's ok. but me being capable of wanting something as big as that commitment i feared all my life that i would be incapable of feeling. and you showed me that i am capable.
all of this might sound ridiculous cause i'm a girl, right? all girls want to get married and have children. but you see, i have never been like any of my friends, i have never felt like i belonged. i have always felt like an outsider. like there was something fundamentally wrong with me. i heard all of my friends all of my life talking so effortlessly about commitment and sharing a life with someone like it was the most natural thing to feel. and I could never feel, never understand, never empathise. i could pretend, i would make them laugh at my weirdness, i could just play it down, but it was always fake.
and i know it was my fear of getting hurt, my fear of pain that was never going to allow me to go all in. it was my hating so much of myself that i could not find it in my heart to love myself.
and then, i felt it all. i felt so much love for you and then so much pain. on the day of my house warming party, i finally did it. i experienced the pain that comes with loving someone so much and them hurting you. the pain that comes from being truly open with someone and giving them the best version of your raw soul. and my soul got torn apart, but it somehow bounced back and became stronger and better for it. it became more adaptable and more flexible. my worst nightmare happened and it was the best experience.
and then every hit after that, was just a stretch. it just exercised my power - to keep loving you despite what you were saying, to forgive you and find the best in you when you didn't see it yourself.
and of course i felt more pain, i am not immune to it. but i have now seen what it is to grow and become better for it. so much growing. the love that i had for you changed me in more ways than i could have ever thought possible. it has brought balance, healing, acceptance, forgiveness and kindness in my heart.
and there's no better feeling in the world than realising what you're made of, when things are good as as well when things go bad. and staying in a loving place when you are in pain is the hardest thing i've ever had to do, but by far the most rewarding.
i could never thank you enough.
goodbye and goodnight my love.
