after the all-time best being told to your face that your boyfriend doesn't Love you and is with you just because he cannot be fucked to deal with meeting girls from online dating sites, it was arguably difficult for me to spend a weekend with him.
so one of my lovely, bless them my life would be empty without them, friends advised me to take a step backwards and re-gain some power for myself.
i have gone back to being a complete bitch, playing the game to get a man. this means being completely cold, letting him do all of the initiating, no touching, no being nice and approachable. be nice and chatty with his friends and do things together, but don't give myself to him, like i would normally do, in everything.
i cannot even describe the "game-playing" properly to be honest, because it's something that I've done so much of my life but equally something that is so far away from what I really am, that the minute I started being myself and acting naturally, I forgot all about how I used to pretend to be in the past.
being a bitch is all about control - controlling the other person and keeping yourself closed to emotions and love and hurt and fear and everything else that might come when you open yourself up. but truly open yourself up, not when you think you give a shit, but in fact you don't. this manifests as the other person being all needy for your attention, for your affections, for your love and you drip feeding them just to keep on the hook, for them to keep coming back for more.
most people and most relationships are probably somewhere along that range of psychological sado-masochism and co-dependency. long live neediness and mistreating people. people love being mistreated. it fucking works like a wonder. of course the quality of people this works with is another matter, but let's not judge too much, because we all do the best with what we have got and we already are fuming the masochists wanting to find more reasons why they are so bad and unworthy.
so i retreated. no more kisses, no more touches, no more hugs, no more contact. no more me initiating any sex, no more me getting close to him. i didin't quite go down to 0, but from 100% to about 5% is a significant drop for me to see him reacting or not to this change.
he did. he touched me. he kissed me. he initiated, he came to me. he moved and he adjusted and he did start all of the things I would have. he was craving for touch, he came and kissed me more times than he initiated in the past 6 months or more.
fucking idiot, i say. what a fucking damaged person can you be that in order for you to act like a partially functional normal human being that your girlfriend has to be be fucking mistreating you. what the fuck is wrong is wrong with people? me included.
fucking sad and depressing that is.
i can see how it used to empower me and how i took it all for granted. i didn't have to lift a finger to get touched, loved, adored, every wish that i had would have been done for me if i wanted. of course i took it all for granted, because i didn't have to do anything to get all of this. it all came to me. i had power and i had control over my life and their lives. i wielded people's emotions, people's beliefs and took no regard what I was doing. of course i didn't know anything different.
so when i meet the first guy who is mistreating me and not giving me any of these things, i fall in love with him. i will say, in my defence, he is the first guy who also fulfills every single high requirement I have of a whole of other things in life, but that's beside the point. i fell in love with the Bad Guy - not the bad guy from a society's definition of a bad guy - but my emotional and psychological bad guy.
so now of course his change of behaviour indicated more that he loves me and that he wants to be with me. the minute i pull out, he comes in. that doesn't happen with someone who doesn't want to be with you. what a head fuck. because i've got no desire to be a bitch at all. i've got no desire to be with this man who requires me to be someone else.
i have every desire to be the nicest, the most open, the most flexible and the most amazing girlfriend ever. to someone who is able to handle that and doesn't need to be pointed out that he is blissfully unaware of him even loving me. what an idiot. again, fucking shocking. to be with someone who doesn't even know they love you. what a head fuck.
well, i guess karma had to work its magic at some point and in some grandiose manner to make up for all of the guys i've screwed up along the years. and there is no way i could have understood all of this about myself or other people if not going through it.
what's next? we have a month. on 17th august, exactly a month from today, we are going to one of his friend's wedding. i am going to continue playing some sort of game in which I am still in this relationship and i still give a shit. pretending i can do so well, even if it takes quite a bit of effort and pain to hide my true self. but, in all of this pretending, the easiest part is not showing my love for him, because my love for him is dying every day. so probably in a month, it will be 6 feet deep with red roses on its grave.
what an amazing experience.
so one of my lovely, bless them my life would be empty without them, friends advised me to take a step backwards and re-gain some power for myself.
i have gone back to being a complete bitch, playing the game to get a man. this means being completely cold, letting him do all of the initiating, no touching, no being nice and approachable. be nice and chatty with his friends and do things together, but don't give myself to him, like i would normally do, in everything.
i cannot even describe the "game-playing" properly to be honest, because it's something that I've done so much of my life but equally something that is so far away from what I really am, that the minute I started being myself and acting naturally, I forgot all about how I used to pretend to be in the past.
being a bitch is all about control - controlling the other person and keeping yourself closed to emotions and love and hurt and fear and everything else that might come when you open yourself up. but truly open yourself up, not when you think you give a shit, but in fact you don't. this manifests as the other person being all needy for your attention, for your affections, for your love and you drip feeding them just to keep on the hook, for them to keep coming back for more.
most people and most relationships are probably somewhere along that range of psychological sado-masochism and co-dependency. long live neediness and mistreating people. people love being mistreated. it fucking works like a wonder. of course the quality of people this works with is another matter, but let's not judge too much, because we all do the best with what we have got and we already are fuming the masochists wanting to find more reasons why they are so bad and unworthy.
so i retreated. no more kisses, no more touches, no more hugs, no more contact. no more me initiating any sex, no more me getting close to him. i didin't quite go down to 0, but from 100% to about 5% is a significant drop for me to see him reacting or not to this change.
he did. he touched me. he kissed me. he initiated, he came to me. he moved and he adjusted and he did start all of the things I would have. he was craving for touch, he came and kissed me more times than he initiated in the past 6 months or more.
fucking idiot, i say. what a fucking damaged person can you be that in order for you to act like a partially functional normal human being that your girlfriend has to be be fucking mistreating you. what the fuck is wrong is wrong with people? me included.
fucking sad and depressing that is.
i can see how it used to empower me and how i took it all for granted. i didn't have to lift a finger to get touched, loved, adored, every wish that i had would have been done for me if i wanted. of course i took it all for granted, because i didn't have to do anything to get all of this. it all came to me. i had power and i had control over my life and their lives. i wielded people's emotions, people's beliefs and took no regard what I was doing. of course i didn't know anything different.
so when i meet the first guy who is mistreating me and not giving me any of these things, i fall in love with him. i will say, in my defence, he is the first guy who also fulfills every single high requirement I have of a whole of other things in life, but that's beside the point. i fell in love with the Bad Guy - not the bad guy from a society's definition of a bad guy - but my emotional and psychological bad guy.
so now of course his change of behaviour indicated more that he loves me and that he wants to be with me. the minute i pull out, he comes in. that doesn't happen with someone who doesn't want to be with you. what a head fuck. because i've got no desire to be a bitch at all. i've got no desire to be with this man who requires me to be someone else.
i have every desire to be the nicest, the most open, the most flexible and the most amazing girlfriend ever. to someone who is able to handle that and doesn't need to be pointed out that he is blissfully unaware of him even loving me. what an idiot. again, fucking shocking. to be with someone who doesn't even know they love you. what a head fuck.
well, i guess karma had to work its magic at some point and in some grandiose manner to make up for all of the guys i've screwed up along the years. and there is no way i could have understood all of this about myself or other people if not going through it.
what's next? we have a month. on 17th august, exactly a month from today, we are going to one of his friend's wedding. i am going to continue playing some sort of game in which I am still in this relationship and i still give a shit. pretending i can do so well, even if it takes quite a bit of effort and pain to hide my true self. but, in all of this pretending, the easiest part is not showing my love for him, because my love for him is dying every day. so probably in a month, it will be 6 feet deep with red roses on its grave.
what an amazing experience.
