I have had a not so plesant family Incident. My grandmother whom I am very close to and love deeply has been bed bound with a knee problem and collapsed in the middle of the night in her own kitchen trying to get some pills because she was feeling ill. She woke up alone, at 82 years of age, on the floor, in her own blood from a head hit, not remembering anything.
The whole incident was very painful for me to hear. I am away in another country and felt so helpless with providing any support what so ever. I felt guilty for leaving the country and deserting her, after she brought me up, after she has given me so many years of her time, her life, her teachings and her energy. And I selfishly left her to be old and alone.
I felt terrible. I felt so much anger and hate towards myself. I wanted to self-punish and self-destroy. I was in pain.
As always, with anything, things are about perspective. But I just had the most self-disparaging perspective I could muster. Things have lightened up a bit and now I am able to see the good that has come out of a bad situation.
Gran didn't sustain any life threatening injury. She became aware and open to the possibility of being in a specialised care home. Something she wouldn't have considered at all a while ago. She needs help, support and supervision and she has got scared after this incident to allow us to take a look at places. I have no doubt in my mind that this is the best thing for her. Being able to socialise, walk around outside when she feels like it (she is right now trapped in a 3rd floor apartment with no lift) and have someone help her if she needs it.
Also, I have been given another chance to see how I deal with these hard times. How deep into the dark hole I go, how fast and how bad I hurt myself. How badly I can run from reaching out to people for help. How isolated I can make myself.
I have a little bit. Hurt myself. I smoked about a pack of cigarettes and drank some alcohol to get drunk. But I also Talked - or at least messaged my boyfriend. The guy that would be currently in my life would have been at the receiving end of this without ever being communicated what I am going through. But I have this time. I have written and shared thoughts and feelings.
He is on another continent and 8h of a time difference. But he called me. For the first time in our relationship when he's been away or I have been away and for no practical purpose, he called me. I didn't even expect it. We have been so much away from eachother and we have both done our separate thing and he always just messaged me.
But this time, he called me. So this was another opportunity. For him to show to me that he cares and that he is capable of supporting me and showing Understanding. I really didn't know if he is capable of those things. He is a very rational and logical person. And my disempowerment came from the lack of rationality and logic.
I talked to my mum quite a bit so this was another opportunity for me and my family to get close and unite in the face of need. And we did.
I also talked to my friend who was visiting me today and despite my initial instinct to just shut her down and not talk about anything inside me, I did. I opened up. Opening up is definitely a practice. It's a muscle that needs to be trained. The more you do it, the easier it is. Opening up is becoming vulnerable and is becoming weak. But opening up is also becoming stronger and opening yourself up to the healing powers of people around you. Opening yourself up to love, to understanding and acceptance. Opening yourself up to kindness and compassion.
I heard people that I care about deeply speak to me with a lot of understanding and kindness. They helped me heal, forgive and accept myself. Sometimes, when it's really hard for me to forgive myself for my perceived failures, I need to take guidance from the people around me. I need to follow their steps and their suit in showing the same kindness that they show to me, take that and show it to myself.
I feel that out of a bad situation came out a lot of good. A lot of good. So thank you, for all the teachings, the lessons and the growth. Thank you for all the compassion. Thank you for all the love.
The whole incident was very painful for me to hear. I am away in another country and felt so helpless with providing any support what so ever. I felt guilty for leaving the country and deserting her, after she brought me up, after she has given me so many years of her time, her life, her teachings and her energy. And I selfishly left her to be old and alone.
I felt terrible. I felt so much anger and hate towards myself. I wanted to self-punish and self-destroy. I was in pain.
As always, with anything, things are about perspective. But I just had the most self-disparaging perspective I could muster. Things have lightened up a bit and now I am able to see the good that has come out of a bad situation.
Gran didn't sustain any life threatening injury. She became aware and open to the possibility of being in a specialised care home. Something she wouldn't have considered at all a while ago. She needs help, support and supervision and she has got scared after this incident to allow us to take a look at places. I have no doubt in my mind that this is the best thing for her. Being able to socialise, walk around outside when she feels like it (she is right now trapped in a 3rd floor apartment with no lift) and have someone help her if she needs it.
Also, I have been given another chance to see how I deal with these hard times. How deep into the dark hole I go, how fast and how bad I hurt myself. How badly I can run from reaching out to people for help. How isolated I can make myself.
I have a little bit. Hurt myself. I smoked about a pack of cigarettes and drank some alcohol to get drunk. But I also Talked - or at least messaged my boyfriend. The guy that would be currently in my life would have been at the receiving end of this without ever being communicated what I am going through. But I have this time. I have written and shared thoughts and feelings.
He is on another continent and 8h of a time difference. But he called me. For the first time in our relationship when he's been away or I have been away and for no practical purpose, he called me. I didn't even expect it. We have been so much away from eachother and we have both done our separate thing and he always just messaged me.
But this time, he called me. So this was another opportunity. For him to show to me that he cares and that he is capable of supporting me and showing Understanding. I really didn't know if he is capable of those things. He is a very rational and logical person. And my disempowerment came from the lack of rationality and logic.
I talked to my mum quite a bit so this was another opportunity for me and my family to get close and unite in the face of need. And we did.
I also talked to my friend who was visiting me today and despite my initial instinct to just shut her down and not talk about anything inside me, I did. I opened up. Opening up is definitely a practice. It's a muscle that needs to be trained. The more you do it, the easier it is. Opening up is becoming vulnerable and is becoming weak. But opening up is also becoming stronger and opening yourself up to the healing powers of people around you. Opening yourself up to love, to understanding and acceptance. Opening yourself up to kindness and compassion.
I heard people that I care about deeply speak to me with a lot of understanding and kindness. They helped me heal, forgive and accept myself. Sometimes, when it's really hard for me to forgive myself for my perceived failures, I need to take guidance from the people around me. I need to follow their steps and their suit in showing the same kindness that they show to me, take that and show it to myself.
I feel that out of a bad situation came out a lot of good. A lot of good. So thank you, for all the teachings, the lessons and the growth. Thank you for all the compassion. Thank you for all the love.
