because even doing retrospectives of the past years is a bit of a stereotype, it is good practice to sit and reflect about the past in order to learn from it and gain focus for the future. 

so 2015 - the year I was 31. if the biggest thing that 30 brought me was self-introspection, self-development and spirituality, meditation and a lot of self-discovery, then 31 I would say that build upon those things. 

I have started Tai Chi - which is an internal martial art. This has given me time for meditation, time to work our my body and become more healthy physically and psychologically. I have never really loved nor kept going with anything in my life longer than a few months. Tai chi has taught me a lot of things and amongst them, it has taught me how to keep going at it. it will soon be a year of me doing this practice and do not see my life without it now. 

at 31 - or a couple of months before that, I met D. He is an amazing man, but mostly he is the first man in my life that I have ever consciously considered trying to work towards having a Relationship. Trying to be committed, trying to care about the other person’s needs and wishes. Trying to be considerate and put their needs above mine. Giving a relationship a fighting chance when you enter in it is not something that came natural to me. It took me 30 years to get to a starting point and I can truly say the work is never over. 

It vastly links to my self-development, to me leaving to love and accept myself. To me learning that I deserve to be happy and to forgive and treat myself kindly. I never really believed that I deserved to be happy and I have always chosen people and relationships to destroy, fuck up and fuck out. 

I am trying to find balance and be myself - whoever that is. I am trying to search for whatever makes me happy, whatever makes him happy and see if those things match. I am consciously making every effort to see things from his perspective and not act in a self-sabotaging way. I am trying to be forgiving of myself when I make mistakes. I am trying not to be ruled by fear but empowered by my love towards myself and therefore everything around me. 

It has been an amazing journey so far and I know it will never be completed. My ex boyfriend has done miracles for me, brining all of this into my life, into my attention and then fucking my brain around for about 2 years, with me kicking and screaming, to get me to a remotely sane state. To get me to state where I could meet someone like D and have a clue about what it is that I want to be. 

at 31 I have also started contracting and professionally that was an amazing leap for myself. Being paid almost 3 times more than I was before and taking the risk of being fired every day. Job instability but self-stability. The knowing that all will be fine, no matter what happens has been my practice this past year. Fear hasn’t one again driven me. It has only fuelled me when necessary, enough to keep me on my toes but not enough to disempower me. 

I have learnt a lot about self-management of my finances, about UK laws and taxes etc. I would do it again in a heart beat. 

My contracting high salary coupled together with my amazing parents and them being able to help with money, enabled me to put an offer down for my own place. It’s short of half a million place place so not for the feint hearted. It’s not just a place - it’s an expensive place. With a high mortgage and an amazing high view from the 34th floor in London’s zone 1. Not a bag tag. An similarly scary tag. But again, I have used fear to drive me, not stop me. 

All along the way, I can say D has been a pillar of support and encouragement. He has been there for me when I needed him. 

2015 has ended with him taking me on holiday to meet his family and friends back home, in Oz, an amazing few days at one of his friend’s places in Dubai and ending with a New Year’s celebration at Rome’s Coliseum and Vatican City on 1st Jan for Pope’s speech in the diplomatic box. 

What a ride! All and all - not a bad year at all. 

I am not going to make a great big list of things to achieve in 2016. Going with the flow rather than setting very big goals has been my 2015 way and I think I am going to follow that same rhythm in 2016. 

However, I do have a few things that I would like to put on my list for 2016, if only to give me a bit of focus and remind me of the things that make my soul vibrate: