In a lot of relationships I found from either my own experience or from friends' experiences that a partner says things, promises things and then their actions do not follow through.
As this is a normal situation, nonetheless painful, it's at least something that I would know how to deal with.
But when, in fact, I am faced with the opposite, I am something find myself in some sort of confusion.
Words say one thing and the actions say another.
When speaking to D. about our relationship (very rarely that is) this creates a massive state of tension and upset between us. There hasn't been a single conversation that we have had that has ended well.
The fact is that I am trying to find out from these conversation if my interpretations of his actions are correct. But it seems that his words contradict his own actions so I always end up being more confused than before I even started.
Question: Is D. in a caring, committed relationship with me?
Verbal answers: No, he doesn't know if we are going to be together on the long term. He cares for me, but cannot say he loves me. He is ok to be together if things are good, but doesn't know how things will be when they are bad.
Actions:
Fact 1:
- he has never had a one night stand in his entire life. This means that before ending up drunk in my bed, he must have liked me, known who I was, assessed me from various sources of information, passed me through his (I have no doubt) very rigorous criteria and decided at the end of that process to have some sort of relationship with me.
Fact 2:
- within a couple of weeks of dating, he introduced me to all of his friends. Someone who has no long term view would have kept me private, as a temporary basis doesn't lend itself to meeting more people in each other's lives.
Fact 3:
- he took me home to Australia, on the other side of the world to meet his parents, all of his friends back home and all of his family. His best friend of 8 years has told me that as far as he can remember and knows of, D. has never taken a girl home before
Fact 4:
- he listens, understand and most importantly alters his behaviour based on my feedback on things that hurt me or things that I like. I have always had to mention something just once and he has always done something to improve his behaviour to make me feel better, to make me happy and to please me.
that on its own shows how much he cares about me, about our relationship and how (not in a bad way, where he actually changes himself) much he is willing to compromise in order for our relationship to work.
Fact 5:
I've just never been with a guy who is so caring, so loving, so kind and generous. His attention to detail is impeccable. He notices things before I do and does them for me. I feel am permanently taken care of and yet left alone when I need to.
Yet, when talking to him about how he feels about me, he is unable to show any of the actions in his words. Me pointing that out makes him feel disempowered and makes him feel that I am just pointing out his flaws. It makes him emotionally paralysed, scared and retreating in himself.
He becomes defensive and says the most hurtful things.
I am lost to say the least.
As this is a normal situation, nonetheless painful, it's at least something that I would know how to deal with.
But when, in fact, I am faced with the opposite, I am something find myself in some sort of confusion.
Words say one thing and the actions say another.
When speaking to D. about our relationship (very rarely that is) this creates a massive state of tension and upset between us. There hasn't been a single conversation that we have had that has ended well.
The fact is that I am trying to find out from these conversation if my interpretations of his actions are correct. But it seems that his words contradict his own actions so I always end up being more confused than before I even started.
Question: Is D. in a caring, committed relationship with me?
Verbal answers: No, he doesn't know if we are going to be together on the long term. He cares for me, but cannot say he loves me. He is ok to be together if things are good, but doesn't know how things will be when they are bad.
Actions:
Fact 1:
- he has never had a one night stand in his entire life. This means that before ending up drunk in my bed, he must have liked me, known who I was, assessed me from various sources of information, passed me through his (I have no doubt) very rigorous criteria and decided at the end of that process to have some sort of relationship with me.
Fact 2:
- within a couple of weeks of dating, he introduced me to all of his friends. Someone who has no long term view would have kept me private, as a temporary basis doesn't lend itself to meeting more people in each other's lives.
Fact 3:
- he took me home to Australia, on the other side of the world to meet his parents, all of his friends back home and all of his family. His best friend of 8 years has told me that as far as he can remember and knows of, D. has never taken a girl home before
Fact 4:
- he listens, understand and most importantly alters his behaviour based on my feedback on things that hurt me or things that I like. I have always had to mention something just once and he has always done something to improve his behaviour to make me feel better, to make me happy and to please me.
that on its own shows how much he cares about me, about our relationship and how (not in a bad way, where he actually changes himself) much he is willing to compromise in order for our relationship to work.
Fact 5:
I've just never been with a guy who is so caring, so loving, so kind and generous. His attention to detail is impeccable. He notices things before I do and does them for me. I feel am permanently taken care of and yet left alone when I need to.
Yet, when talking to him about how he feels about me, he is unable to show any of the actions in his words. Me pointing that out makes him feel disempowered and makes him feel that I am just pointing out his flaws. It makes him emotionally paralysed, scared and retreating in himself.
He becomes defensive and says the most hurtful things.
I am lost to say the least.
