Envy occurs when we lack a desired attribute enjoyed by another.
Jealousy occurs when something we already possess (usually a special relationship) is threatened by a third person
And so envy is a two-person situation whereas jealousy is a three-person situation. Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something (usually someone).
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My dear D,
You've met J. again tonight and I somehow feel pain every time you do that. It is of course my pain, my problem and my own issue to address and by no means I am accusing you of being responsible for my pain.
Thinking about why I feel pain... my first instinct is to blame this on being jealous. You are my boyfriend, you are meeting this girl, who is your best friend. For dinner, just the two of you. This is what it might look from a superficial, outside perspective.
Then, at a deeper scrutiny, I began to think why do I actually feel this pain. It is because you are opposite genders and I think that you might be doing something with her? No, I don't. I completely trust in you. Is it because I believe you are lying, hiding behind my back with her? No, I don't.
It's because I envy her. She is able to make you feel relaxed. You laugh, you talk, you are so much more yourself when you are around her. She makes you feel comfortable. She knows what you like better than I do. She knows you better than I do. She knows and understands your thoughts and your feelings better than I do.
The problem is that I am scared that will always be the case. That I will never know you as well she does. That you will never feel as comfortable with me as you do with her. That I'm never going to know what you like better than she does. And I know that will never be due to the lack of me trying. I fail miserably.
I know she is your friend. And I know that it's normal for her to know you. But I am your girlfriend. I don't feel that I know you. I don't feel that you feel comfortable enough with me to trust me. You have this massive wall against you and she's on the other side. I'm banging at all the doors and there is no answer. You remain closed.
This makes me feel like I am lacking something. Something that she has, something that I don't even know what it is. Something I cannot attain. It makes me feel like I am not good enough, not trustworthy enough, not reliable enough. Like I haven't proven myself enough for you to be with me like you are with her.
So, D. it turns out that I am not jealous. I am just envious. But somehow that doesn't help my pain. Because no matter how you call it, it still remains the cold, factual reality. And it's still hurtful.
