In my experience, this is the stuff that you create between you and your partner when you lie in bed on a Sunday, you talk about yourself, you laugh, you're half naked and open. You're vulnerable and unravelling yourself to this other person. You're full of Love and hope and openness because you trust this person next to you and you want to get to know them and you want them to get to know you. 

D. is completely unaware of this world of emotional and psychological connections between people. On so many levels from the situation that I've just described, he has never put himself in this situation. 

He doesn't like lie ins. He is always busy doing something, reading about something, looking for something else to do. He is always alert. He is always on. 

He is the most scared person I've ever met of connection and emotional intimacy. He gives nothing of his internal world away. Not a single feeling, not a single thought. 

He doesn't Feel Comfortable being naked. He doesn't feel comfortable with how he looks, so he feels that he has to cover himself. 

So him lying naked, on a lazy sunday morning, talking to me about his internal hopes, fears and whatever else, plus being able to have a laugh about it seems simple Sci-fi at the moment. 

The things you take for granted! All of my previous partners were able to easily do that. It was just natural and it was just happening. I never even gave it a thought. I never even thought there are people who don't live their lives at this wonderfully open and connected level. 

And here I am, finding myself with the complete opposite person. I am lost and confused. I am switching between thoughts of giving up and incompatibility to thoughts of love, kindness and acceptance. Thought that shout: "do not be the one who gives up and just moves on, fight for this and make it work, this is a challenge as much it is an opportunity for you to break your boundaries, stretch your emotions and try out your limits". 

I love this man so much. I have loved many times before. I know I am capable of so much caring and loving. But there is always the doubt that I am directing this towards the wrong person. And that, if the person was right, I would be getting so much more out of it. But then, isn't that hat it's all about? To do all this not expecting to get something in return? To stay loving despite of what the other person is like? To learn to accept them as they are and not restrict love to something that fit in certain criteria?

It's a constant struggle and a constant state of doubt. When I look at him, my doubts melt away. My heart fills with love and I believe I can do anything and stretch all of my limits. But then, when he does something unloving, says something that hurts me, that's when I pull away and ask myself if it is all worth it.