Saturday, 1:10pm.
D. texts me to say he is not going to be coming to my House warming party. Things haven't been that well between us in the past couple of days. I decide to go to his as a spontaneous thing and make him feel better and bring him over to the party. Instead, I got dumped.
he tells me that he doesn't see us being together on the long term. he doesn't want to waste my time. he tells me that even if rationally, i tick every box, that he enjoys spending time with me now, but that he doesn't see himself in the future as being with me. i ask if he loves me, if he is in Love with me. he says that he is not. i asked him if i make him happy or that he would be just as happy being on his own. he says that he is not made for relationships.
i ask him if I should treat this as a break up. he answers with maybe, but then i clarify that maybe really means yes, but he's just too scared to say it. he says yes.
the whole chat lasted about 30 min. after almost a year, it took 30 min to destroy it all.
i put my shoes on. i have no choice. there is nothing that I can do or say. i realise that I might never see him again and I go to hug him for one last time. he has been part of my life in such a meaningful way. I put my coat on and open the Door, and walk away. I walk through his corridor to the lift. there is a door in the hallway and pushing to open the door to the list seemed like the most difficult thing I've had to do in my entire life.
i stand there, not being able to even press the button to call the lift. i crash. I sit down and start Crying. i call my best friend and she comes to pick me up. i couldn't move from where I crashed on the corridor for 50 minutes. When she arrives downstairs, I get into the lift and get downstairs and continue crying in the car, at her house, at my house for the next 3h.
how could I have been so wrong? this amazing guy who seemed to be so kind, thoughtful, generous....his actions proved how much he cares for me. his actions spoke like a thousand "I love you"s. how could I have misinterpreted so much for so long?
time compressed. i can still remember the smell of the carpet in the hallway. the feel of the cold leather sofa we sat on while he told me how much he doesn't want to be with me.
the first guy that i tried to make things work with. the first guy that I didn't run away from. he ran away from me. i have never been Left before, by any other man. it felt like being taken to be burnt at the stake. and then being wide awake through it all, feeling your skin and insides burning.
and yet, i would say it's by far easier to be left by someone rather than leave them yourself. the guilt and the feeling horrible that i experience when leaving someone is just terrible. when someone leaves you, the guilt is not there. the pain is there, but you're left with all the grieving choices: be angry, be in denial, be accepting and forgiving, be suffering and pain.
i felt so sick that i couldn't eat for 24h. my friend A. has been in my life for the past 9 years. she has never seen me crying before. i was in so much pain.
D. texts me to say he is not going to be coming to my House warming party. Things haven't been that well between us in the past couple of days. I decide to go to his as a spontaneous thing and make him feel better and bring him over to the party. Instead, I got dumped.
he tells me that he doesn't see us being together on the long term. he doesn't want to waste my time. he tells me that even if rationally, i tick every box, that he enjoys spending time with me now, but that he doesn't see himself in the future as being with me. i ask if he loves me, if he is in Love with me. he says that he is not. i asked him if i make him happy or that he would be just as happy being on his own. he says that he is not made for relationships.
i ask him if I should treat this as a break up. he answers with maybe, but then i clarify that maybe really means yes, but he's just too scared to say it. he says yes.
the whole chat lasted about 30 min. after almost a year, it took 30 min to destroy it all.
i put my shoes on. i have no choice. there is nothing that I can do or say. i realise that I might never see him again and I go to hug him for one last time. he has been part of my life in such a meaningful way. I put my coat on and open the Door, and walk away. I walk through his corridor to the lift. there is a door in the hallway and pushing to open the door to the list seemed like the most difficult thing I've had to do in my entire life.
i stand there, not being able to even press the button to call the lift. i crash. I sit down and start Crying. i call my best friend and she comes to pick me up. i couldn't move from where I crashed on the corridor for 50 minutes. When she arrives downstairs, I get into the lift and get downstairs and continue crying in the car, at her house, at my house for the next 3h.
how could I have been so wrong? this amazing guy who seemed to be so kind, thoughtful, generous....his actions proved how much he cares for me. his actions spoke like a thousand "I love you"s. how could I have misinterpreted so much for so long?
time compressed. i can still remember the smell of the carpet in the hallway. the feel of the cold leather sofa we sat on while he told me how much he doesn't want to be with me.
the first guy that i tried to make things work with. the first guy that I didn't run away from. he ran away from me. i have never been Left before, by any other man. it felt like being taken to be burnt at the stake. and then being wide awake through it all, feeling your skin and insides burning.
and yet, i would say it's by far easier to be left by someone rather than leave them yourself. the guilt and the feeling horrible that i experience when leaving someone is just terrible. when someone leaves you, the guilt is not there. the pain is there, but you're left with all the grieving choices: be angry, be in denial, be accepting and forgiving, be suffering and pain.
i felt so sick that i couldn't eat for 24h. my friend A. has been in my life for the past 9 years. she has never seen me crying before. i was in so much pain.
