"Are you as miserable as I am?"
"Yes :(
I feel like an idiot. And feel horrible for hurting you."
D. came over on Sunday at 7pm. He said he was sorry. That he takes it all back. That he wants to be with me. That he didn't think through the things he said. That none of it even makes sense. That I make him happy and that me being next to him makes things more fun. So of course he would want to be with me. That he cares about me a lot and that he has been doing all of these nice things for me because he likes to make me happy. he told me that he wants me to be in his life for the foreseeable future.
most of all, he made me feel sane again. i didn't imagine it all. he did do all of the nice things for me. he is a kind, generous loving man with his actions.
be he cannot communicate his feelings. he is actually so closed off that he cannot even be aware of his own feelings. so communicating something that you're not aware of is hard indeed. he is just extremely emotionally immature. he has done things for me that he hasn't done for anyone else.
and he spent yesterday thinking about what he said the previous day made no sense.
the emotional rollercoaster of being left by someone you love and then having to take them back was too much even for me. i am numb. from the pain, from the suffering.
going back to his, everything reminded me in how much pain I was the day before. the hallway, the sofa. the place i picked up my shoes from. everything seems changed.
i have no confidence that if he didn't think through what he said and the consequences of his actions on Saturday, that he thought through Sunday. I have no confidence that this won't repeat again.
the trust is a hard thing to repair. it took 30 min to destroy.
if before, because he is so cold with me, i was ok and getting used to it.., in 95% of the time I was confident and self assured that he likes me and wants to be with me. In the exceptional 5%, I was PMSing and feeling that I need a bit more re-assurance. That has now almost reversed. I feel very insecure and very unstable. That I need huge amounts of re-assurance. If he wasn't coping very well at my 5%, no idea how we are going to deal with the 95% now.
i told him that i love him. he didn't say it back. he said that he feels bad for not saying it back. he said that he cares for me a lot and how happy i make him. at that point, i was so low that even those words sound good. but now, i'm not sure. because i felt that his actions were speaking for themselves. that his actions are loving and that i don't need to hear some words that he cannot say because he is emotionally and communicationally challenged. but because of the blow on Saturday, I am now doubting my own perception of his actions and in lack of that and his words, what is there left?
then there is the aspect of the attitude: i try to work on the issues that arise in the relationship. but my underlying assumption is trying to work on something because i want to be with him and not bail out. he said that he find it difficult and cannot put the effort into trying. not sure how much this changed on sunday, but ultimately, if he is working under the assumption that if things get too tough, we can always break up, rather than working on things, then fundamentally we are going into 2 separate directions.
also, rationally, i know that being with someone like him is well suited for me. but it felt amazing to be surrounded by normal people. people who are intimate and affectionate and think that i'm amazing and tell me that I am amazing. these people make me feel like I am amazing. but he makes me feel insecure. and this is kinda ok, because people who make me feel amazing then suffocate me, then I get bored of them. but with him, well, i obviously don't get bored, but continuously feeling insecure is not fun either. i don't know when, but this may also become boring. there is a threshold of minimum attention and affection to be offered in order for me not to feel insecure and I am not at least worried that D is even capable of suffocating me.
"Yes :(
I feel like an idiot. And feel horrible for hurting you."
D. came over on Sunday at 7pm. He said he was sorry. That he takes it all back. That he wants to be with me. That he didn't think through the things he said. That none of it even makes sense. That I make him happy and that me being next to him makes things more fun. So of course he would want to be with me. That he cares about me a lot and that he has been doing all of these nice things for me because he likes to make me happy. he told me that he wants me to be in his life for the foreseeable future.
most of all, he made me feel sane again. i didn't imagine it all. he did do all of the nice things for me. he is a kind, generous loving man with his actions.
be he cannot communicate his feelings. he is actually so closed off that he cannot even be aware of his own feelings. so communicating something that you're not aware of is hard indeed. he is just extremely emotionally immature. he has done things for me that he hasn't done for anyone else.
and he spent yesterday thinking about what he said the previous day made no sense.
the emotional rollercoaster of being left by someone you love and then having to take them back was too much even for me. i am numb. from the pain, from the suffering.
going back to his, everything reminded me in how much pain I was the day before. the hallway, the sofa. the place i picked up my shoes from. everything seems changed.
i have no confidence that if he didn't think through what he said and the consequences of his actions on Saturday, that he thought through Sunday. I have no confidence that this won't repeat again.
the trust is a hard thing to repair. it took 30 min to destroy.
if before, because he is so cold with me, i was ok and getting used to it.., in 95% of the time I was confident and self assured that he likes me and wants to be with me. In the exceptional 5%, I was PMSing and feeling that I need a bit more re-assurance. That has now almost reversed. I feel very insecure and very unstable. That I need huge amounts of re-assurance. If he wasn't coping very well at my 5%, no idea how we are going to deal with the 95% now.
i told him that i love him. he didn't say it back. he said that he feels bad for not saying it back. he said that he cares for me a lot and how happy i make him. at that point, i was so low that even those words sound good. but now, i'm not sure. because i felt that his actions were speaking for themselves. that his actions are loving and that i don't need to hear some words that he cannot say because he is emotionally and communicationally challenged. but because of the blow on Saturday, I am now doubting my own perception of his actions and in lack of that and his words, what is there left?
then there is the aspect of the attitude: i try to work on the issues that arise in the relationship. but my underlying assumption is trying to work on something because i want to be with him and not bail out. he said that he find it difficult and cannot put the effort into trying. not sure how much this changed on sunday, but ultimately, if he is working under the assumption that if things get too tough, we can always break up, rather than working on things, then fundamentally we are going into 2 separate directions.
also, rationally, i know that being with someone like him is well suited for me. but it felt amazing to be surrounded by normal people. people who are intimate and affectionate and think that i'm amazing and tell me that I am amazing. these people make me feel like I am amazing. but he makes me feel insecure. and this is kinda ok, because people who make me feel amazing then suffocate me, then I get bored of them. but with him, well, i obviously don't get bored, but continuously feeling insecure is not fun either. i don't know when, but this may also become boring. there is a threshold of minimum attention and affection to be offered in order for me not to feel insecure and I am not at least worried that D is even capable of suffocating me.
