We've been away in Prague for the weekend. So it's not like we haven't spent time together. But coming back home, to my place and him going to his place, in bed, I felt terribly lonely. I wanted to be with him in an organic, overwhelming and overtaking my whole rationality ... way. 

 So much so that I just wanted to text him that I miss him and I wanted him to miss me .... To miss me and want me so much that he would spontaneously get on his motorbike and come over to mine's or even to call me to say - "Get dressed, I'm coming to pick you up, you're coming back to my place tonight". I needed him to feel my need. I needed him to save me from myself. 

Needless to say I didn't even get a phone call back. I got a text, a pathetic ... Warm, loving, earthly bound text. All very nice and rational. I didn't need nice and rational. And so I fell.

I felt hurt and rejected. I felt that I wanted to be with someone who does these crazy, romantic, spontaneous gestures... I didn't like my neediness. I didn't like me missing him. I didn't like me having such strong feelings towards him. It made me feel weak and it made me feel disgusted with myself. It made me feel unworthy of myself. I was disappointed of this pathetic little girl, who was so emotional and so fucking in love. Wanted to slap her into her senses. I went into a terribly self-hating train of thought. 

Then of course it went back to him. My mind brought back all the things that it shouldn't. All the reasons I shouldn't be with him, started imagining things - possible realities that I am not allowing to be, it came back to me and it went back to him. In a spiral of fear, hate, anger and frustration. Of course I knew that Adam would not even call, even in the upcoming days of the week he would leave me alone - maybe I would receive an email or a text message from him. And then, as soon as I didn't reply, which I will find impossible to do, he would just move on and continue with his day, with his son and his work and his friends. He would not hear anything back from me in days and he still wouldn't think that I might not be well. It made me feel taken for granted, it made me feel even more alone and lost.

He will not even miss me bad enough to give me a call. And then of course the biggest thought came with ... Well, if this man doesn't even miss you bad enough to give you a call, much less want to see you, going about his life like you weren't there ... Then what's the point of all of this? Why am I even in his life? Why am I with this person for whom I am so immediately expendable? How many days will it be before he even notices I'm gone?

My immediate response would be to just stay away. Get away from this man whom you love so much and can make you feel so hurt. Spread your bets or even better, cut your loses now. Destroy it all. Blow the whole fucking thing, burn it to the ground until there is nothing left but ashes. And you can stand in the door and smell your flesh being ripped to bits. Watch your soul in pain, screaming, reaching with its hands towards you to spare some mercy. And you just turn around and let it all die. 

And in the black pit, where there is no light, words become silent and hate has no sound. What have I done so wrong towards myself that I am so quick to rip my soul into pieces and lock it all away? And there is nobody's name I can call, no God that will save me from myself. I am all alone down here and nobody knows where I have gone missing. Please, someone... Anyone? ... Nothing but silence ...