I was down. I was very down. I have dark, terrible, painful, lost moments. Moments of confusion and moments of despair. Moments of total desolation. I have been in and out of moments like that all my life, feeling disconnected and feeling completely and utterly lacking the ability to get myself up. Desperately needing someone to pick me up
In those moments, there is just no hope of getting myself better, there is no guiding light. It's almost like everything in me wants to hold to everything dark in my life. Every bad thought and every bad emotion that I've ever felt seems to be crawling its way back into my soul. It feels almost like these thoughts are feeding and nurturing eachother and are craving for more. It feels like my being is longing to self destruct and somehow my soul is suffering seeing me like that and being incapable to do anything about it.
It's an extraordinary situation to be in. It's the impossibility to talk and reach out for help. It's the helplessness of the feelings, the depth of the darkness. The lack of emotions and the freezing pain that surrounds you. There is no force, no power and no desire to get yourself out of it. There is nothing you can do. It's easy to say "pull yourself out of it", "make the choice to be happy", "snap out of it". The darkness has got you embraced and sitting comfortably in its sweet, sweet arms of putrefied void.
The pain and the suffering seem to familiar and so safe that you just cannot see the rotting flesh and cannot smell the wrench of the forgotten souls along your side. I have taken and been down this path so many times before in my life. It's almost nice by now when I'm in it.
Except it's not. Not seeing any hope and no direction, no focus, no creativity and no Love nor any kindness around you is terrible. There is so much love and so much good in this beautiful world and all of it is covered by a grey, overbearing numbness.
And here is what I mean by saying that communication and connection with another human being as well as love saves lives. Because when I am in that state, I know that I have a desire to see how far my numbness goes. And you can start to think and do terrible things to yourself, just to see how far you can go without feeling anything. When, I'm fact, you're in so much pain that your soul is trying so hard to protect you from it that there is no more energy left for it to also give you happiness. That's why for me, in these bad moments, it had to come from outside myself. Because there is nothing inside left for me to hold on to.
One day, maybe I will be able not to rely on outside help and let it come from inside myself. Maybe, one day, I will have so much strength for my soul to fight the pain, numb it and also have some oft to gel myself and then pick myself up. Maybe, one day, I will not need someone else to take me out of this, but before then, I do.
And it's not trying to find solutions, it's not trying to find ways out, but trying to connect with someone. In my case, it was love, it was the person I love that trie to connect to me and help me. And he did, he managed to save me. He pulled me out and he brought me back to love and to myself. Through talking and not even talking about anything much. I wasn't even talking that much. He did most of the talking. I had very few words left. Words are powerful, words require emotions and humanity and in that state there is little humanity left. So with little words from me but loads of words from him. Loving words, patient words, I focused on his voice and did the only thing that I could. Just closed my eyes and opened my arms and let myself fall. I let his words get into my skin and I bathed in his love. I washed away, slowly and gently the vermin eating at me. I didn't push or tried to fight anything. I just because ready to let love get inside. The more we talked, the easier it got. A few words there and a few words here, sometimes we got a bit sidetracked, sometimes we had 1 step forward and 3 steps back. And it is his amazing determination and focus, the sheer stability of his centre that kept me wondering around, in the dark,trying to find the source of his voice. But he stood still, in the same position and even if moving a little bit to give a sense of direction of where his so I can aim towards that way.
The breath going into your lungs, the smell of the tea that you're making, the experience of the cold kitchen surface that you're sitting on, your skin being cold.... It's slowly grabbing on to what your body is offering you to bring you back into existence. It's getting and grabbing eve tying since sensation and thought like that ... It's bing slowly helped and then the empowering sensation and all of a sudden it's not him, but you who is pulling yourself out of that hole.
And then you know when you're there because you start to feel gratitude. Gratitude is the sure sign that your have overcome fears darkness, numbness and even love, which you might think you feel, but it could be only your ego fooling you or your neediness thinking you feel love again. So don't stop when you think you've reached love. You know you're there when you start to feel gratitude. Ultimately, love and gratitude and peace and joy are all the same. But when you start to feel gratitude it means you have overcome not only what you've been through, it shows you've gone past self love and you are now in a space of creating - creating your happiness and recognising the other person's majesty. And then, what better place to truly love someone than from a place of gratitude and full awareness of the grandeur of yourself as an all encompassing entity as well as your partner, where you become one with eachother and the universe. .
In those moments, there is just no hope of getting myself better, there is no guiding light. It's almost like everything in me wants to hold to everything dark in my life. Every bad thought and every bad emotion that I've ever felt seems to be crawling its way back into my soul. It feels almost like these thoughts are feeding and nurturing eachother and are craving for more. It feels like my being is longing to self destruct and somehow my soul is suffering seeing me like that and being incapable to do anything about it.
It's an extraordinary situation to be in. It's the impossibility to talk and reach out for help. It's the helplessness of the feelings, the depth of the darkness. The lack of emotions and the freezing pain that surrounds you. There is no force, no power and no desire to get yourself out of it. There is nothing you can do. It's easy to say "pull yourself out of it", "make the choice to be happy", "snap out of it". The darkness has got you embraced and sitting comfortably in its sweet, sweet arms of putrefied void.
The pain and the suffering seem to familiar and so safe that you just cannot see the rotting flesh and cannot smell the wrench of the forgotten souls along your side. I have taken and been down this path so many times before in my life. It's almost nice by now when I'm in it.
Except it's not. Not seeing any hope and no direction, no focus, no creativity and no Love nor any kindness around you is terrible. There is so much love and so much good in this beautiful world and all of it is covered by a grey, overbearing numbness.
And here is what I mean by saying that communication and connection with another human being as well as love saves lives. Because when I am in that state, I know that I have a desire to see how far my numbness goes. And you can start to think and do terrible things to yourself, just to see how far you can go without feeling anything. When, I'm fact, you're in so much pain that your soul is trying so hard to protect you from it that there is no more energy left for it to also give you happiness. That's why for me, in these bad moments, it had to come from outside myself. Because there is nothing inside left for me to hold on to.
One day, maybe I will be able not to rely on outside help and let it come from inside myself. Maybe, one day, I will have so much strength for my soul to fight the pain, numb it and also have some oft to gel myself and then pick myself up. Maybe, one day, I will not need someone else to take me out of this, but before then, I do.
And it's not trying to find solutions, it's not trying to find ways out, but trying to connect with someone. In my case, it was love, it was the person I love that trie to connect to me and help me. And he did, he managed to save me. He pulled me out and he brought me back to love and to myself. Through talking and not even talking about anything much. I wasn't even talking that much. He did most of the talking. I had very few words left. Words are powerful, words require emotions and humanity and in that state there is little humanity left. So with little words from me but loads of words from him. Loving words, patient words, I focused on his voice and did the only thing that I could. Just closed my eyes and opened my arms and let myself fall. I let his words get into my skin and I bathed in his love. I washed away, slowly and gently the vermin eating at me. I didn't push or tried to fight anything. I just because ready to let love get inside. The more we talked, the easier it got. A few words there and a few words here, sometimes we got a bit sidetracked, sometimes we had 1 step forward and 3 steps back. And it is his amazing determination and focus, the sheer stability of his centre that kept me wondering around, in the dark,trying to find the source of his voice. But he stood still, in the same position and even if moving a little bit to give a sense of direction of where his so I can aim towards that way.
The breath going into your lungs, the smell of the tea that you're making, the experience of the cold kitchen surface that you're sitting on, your skin being cold.... It's slowly grabbing on to what your body is offering you to bring you back into existence. It's getting and grabbing eve tying since sensation and thought like that ... It's bing slowly helped and then the empowering sensation and all of a sudden it's not him, but you who is pulling yourself out of that hole.
And then you know when you're there because you start to feel gratitude. Gratitude is the sure sign that your have overcome fears darkness, numbness and even love, which you might think you feel, but it could be only your ego fooling you or your neediness thinking you feel love again. So don't stop when you think you've reached love. You know you're there when you start to feel gratitude. Ultimately, love and gratitude and peace and joy are all the same. But when you start to feel gratitude it means you have overcome not only what you've been through, it shows you've gone past self love and you are now in a space of creating - creating your happiness and recognising the other person's majesty. And then, what better place to truly love someone than from a place of gratitude and full awareness of the grandeur of yourself as an all encompassing entity as well as your partner, where you become one with eachother and the universe. .
