keeping my dating life with Normal guys met on online dating apps and my BDSM/ sex party lives separate feels like I am a psychopath. it feels like I lead this double identity life where on one side, I have these weird, not yet understood and not fully explored alternative interests, while on the other side, I am going to dinner dates and meeting guys in the normal world, trying to think about what a boyfriend material would be like, what I should behave like.
it's exhausting and not really truthful. it's definitely not me, because I am none of those things in separation. I am both, in the same time and so much more. so i can either open pandora's box to the Normal Guys I meet and open myself up for criticism, judgement and rejection or I can just stop one of them.
so i decoded to open up. one of the guys I'm seeing. met him only 4 times in my life. but pretty much, slowly, I told him about me, with all the dark and deep secrets. this wasn't someone that I just wanted to have a one night stand with or just wanted to do a BDSM session with. this was a guy I like, a guy that i want to try and incorporate both a normal relationship as well as my BDSM interests with.
i knew this was going to be hard. in so many ways. jealousy, misunderstandings, insecurities, fear. pre-conceptions. people just find it easy to run away. staying is always hard. i am so new to the BDSM stuff that I don't even know who I am with it fully, i certainly don't know where it fits with my idea of relationships. I don't know how i could ever explain it to someone else since I'm still unclear myself.
but, somehow, I just pushed myself to do it. it was received with an open mind, curiosity. lack of judgement, interest and a can do attitude. i open myself up and he opened himself up. he gave me the feeling that nothing stands in the way unless you let it. he doesn't like boundaries and tries to push himself and me to reach for more.
open communication and a meaningful connection. that's what it's all about. at least for me.
it was really hard to try to explain to someone something that I cannot fully understand myself. and also talk openly and honestly to someone that you're dating about other guys. someone who is not jealous and someone who doesn't get hurt by me being myself. I have been so used to just managing people's feelings because i know that that way I am might hurt them, that is was such a liberating experience to be able to reveal myself like that to someone.
and for this stranger to receive me with open arms, with their own opinions and their own limitations but with the most amazing attitude. i couldn't believe that i could have the conversations I shared with him and still have a functioning relationship at the end of the conversation. I didn't think it would be possible since I didn't know what it is that I want, that can give myself.
I don't want a fuck buddy. I don't want to commit to someone. I don't want to be responsible for someone else's happiness, just like nobody is responsible for mine. i want to be free to make my own choices, and act upon my own feelings, regardless of someone else. i want to have my own experience, but share my feelings and thoughts with someone. I want to be able to openly communicate all of these things and be free of expectation.
i want to get to a place where my actions and feelings naturally converge towards someone, but not because of guilt, emotional blackmail, fear of being alone, not because it's easy and it's expected by others. but because that is my pure, unadulterated soul choosing consciously and in full awareness to be with someone.
it's so rare and so difficult to free yourself of all of the layers that society has imposed on you. it's even harder to find someone who has done that for themselves. and then, when you are at your most rare and most vulnerable to actually be compatible.
i have been so hurt and it took me so long to even be able to function as a human being again. i still feel scarred and still feel fearful of pain and getting my soul out there again. but i feel i have grown more in the past 3 months of my life than i ever have. pain is an excruciating thing, but my god it tends to wash off all the dust away.
i feel like i have been through a cathartic experience. i do feel re-born.
what is the purpose of life if not growth and changing into someone better all the time. achieving the grandest vision of yourself.
it's exhausting and not really truthful. it's definitely not me, because I am none of those things in separation. I am both, in the same time and so much more. so i can either open pandora's box to the Normal Guys I meet and open myself up for criticism, judgement and rejection or I can just stop one of them.
so i decoded to open up. one of the guys I'm seeing. met him only 4 times in my life. but pretty much, slowly, I told him about me, with all the dark and deep secrets. this wasn't someone that I just wanted to have a one night stand with or just wanted to do a BDSM session with. this was a guy I like, a guy that i want to try and incorporate both a normal relationship as well as my BDSM interests with.
i knew this was going to be hard. in so many ways. jealousy, misunderstandings, insecurities, fear. pre-conceptions. people just find it easy to run away. staying is always hard. i am so new to the BDSM stuff that I don't even know who I am with it fully, i certainly don't know where it fits with my idea of relationships. I don't know how i could ever explain it to someone else since I'm still unclear myself.
but, somehow, I just pushed myself to do it. it was received with an open mind, curiosity. lack of judgement, interest and a can do attitude. i open myself up and he opened himself up. he gave me the feeling that nothing stands in the way unless you let it. he doesn't like boundaries and tries to push himself and me to reach for more.
open communication and a meaningful connection. that's what it's all about. at least for me.
it was really hard to try to explain to someone something that I cannot fully understand myself. and also talk openly and honestly to someone that you're dating about other guys. someone who is not jealous and someone who doesn't get hurt by me being myself. I have been so used to just managing people's feelings because i know that that way I am might hurt them, that is was such a liberating experience to be able to reveal myself like that to someone.
and for this stranger to receive me with open arms, with their own opinions and their own limitations but with the most amazing attitude. i couldn't believe that i could have the conversations I shared with him and still have a functioning relationship at the end of the conversation. I didn't think it would be possible since I didn't know what it is that I want, that can give myself.
I don't want a fuck buddy. I don't want to commit to someone. I don't want to be responsible for someone else's happiness, just like nobody is responsible for mine. i want to be free to make my own choices, and act upon my own feelings, regardless of someone else. i want to have my own experience, but share my feelings and thoughts with someone. I want to be able to openly communicate all of these things and be free of expectation.
i want to get to a place where my actions and feelings naturally converge towards someone, but not because of guilt, emotional blackmail, fear of being alone, not because it's easy and it's expected by others. but because that is my pure, unadulterated soul choosing consciously and in full awareness to be with someone.
it's so rare and so difficult to free yourself of all of the layers that society has imposed on you. it's even harder to find someone who has done that for themselves. and then, when you are at your most rare and most vulnerable to actually be compatible.
i have been so hurt and it took me so long to even be able to function as a human being again. i still feel scarred and still feel fearful of pain and getting my soul out there again. but i feel i have grown more in the past 3 months of my life than i ever have. pain is an excruciating thing, but my god it tends to wash off all the dust away.
i feel like i have been through a cathartic experience. i do feel re-born.
what is the purpose of life if not growth and changing into someone better all the time. achieving the grandest vision of yourself.
