fear is such a nasty, debilitating feeling. fear of pain is just the nastiest feeling in the world. it's this ugly, meek and cowardly creature that just creeps on you and just don't see it coming. it never makes a sound, and you just don't even know it's there.
a day later after some beautiful thoughts and feeling, it came:
i am thinking about this guy too much. i've been thinking about him all day yesterday. it's too much. it's too soon. what am I doing? i can't fall in Love again. i barely know him.
he's got major commitment issues. he told me himself that he has only loved one girl in his life and never again after; that he doesn't want to get hurt again. red flags, red flags.
what are you doing? what is wrong with you thinking of a guy like this? why would you even want to be with him? are you going to spend 1 year and half again trying to open up a guy that just doesn't want to be opened? what is wrong with you?
so much judgement, so much expectation from myself. so much anger and fear and pain. all of these do not allow me to be myself at all. so much nastiness towards myself.
what is the point of getting involved with someone now? it's not like it's going to last. the guy makes less money than you, he will never be able to keep up with what you want to do with your life.
what is wrong with you? why are you putting yourself in this situation? the futher you go along, the more you will care about him and the try to convince yourself that this isn't an issue. but it is, you know it has been in the past. are you trying to just find unsuitable guys so that you're never happy? are you trying to sabotage your relationships from the beginning by picking just the wrong guy for the long term?
so much fear. so much trying to change the past and so much trying to control the future. like any of them belong to me. so much avoidance. picking any small thing and going with it to great lengths.
so what you're thinking of him? don't you dare message him! he should message you first. how do you even know if he still wants to see you ever again after the weekend you've had? you're a weird creep. he probably thought you are a basket case and when he would have got home he probably thought he wants nothing to do with you because you're just too much.
that's why he didn't even bother to message you. you're not worth it
of course it all comes down to self worth. it comes down to love, how much i love myself, how much i accept myself and how much I treat myself with kindness. its a muscle that always need exercising. you cannot ever say you have this stuff sorted forever. because a new situation presents itself to love yourself and treat yourself with kindness and then you have a choice. the choice is always there. and it's so easy to go down the self-deprecating path. oh it's always so fucking easy.
don't screw this up. you like the guy. you always Screw Things with the guys you like. you're weak and boring or you're too strong and too much. you're never just good enough. you son't stand a chance. you know you always screw things up.
so now what? you're scared? of course you are. because you probably don't have a heart anymore. it's been destroyed so many times that it just don't matter anymore. what's the point? what's the point of meeting people and trying to build any meaningful connections and steal moments of happiness when you know this isn't going to last. you know you're going to fail again.
yes, the black hole just gets deeper and deeper. the spiral keeps spiralling. but it's ok, you little monsters. just as cowardly as you act, my awareness of you has also improved. i can see you at the corner of my eyes. i can smell you stench. i know you are coming around with fear and pain because there is something good to destroy. otherwise you wouldn't bother. so i take your desire to devour what's good in life and use it to desire love towards myself. and to use that love to overcome the fear that you so much crave. to love myself more and more is all i can do. to caress and kindly forgive myself. to accept all of these thoughts and not engage with them. keep them away from my soul. make my soul strong enough not to engage with them.
a day later after some beautiful thoughts and feeling, it came:
i am thinking about this guy too much. i've been thinking about him all day yesterday. it's too much. it's too soon. what am I doing? i can't fall in Love again. i barely know him.
he's got major commitment issues. he told me himself that he has only loved one girl in his life and never again after; that he doesn't want to get hurt again. red flags, red flags.
what are you doing? what is wrong with you thinking of a guy like this? why would you even want to be with him? are you going to spend 1 year and half again trying to open up a guy that just doesn't want to be opened? what is wrong with you?
so much judgement, so much expectation from myself. so much anger and fear and pain. all of these do not allow me to be myself at all. so much nastiness towards myself.
what is the point of getting involved with someone now? it's not like it's going to last. the guy makes less money than you, he will never be able to keep up with what you want to do with your life.
what is wrong with you? why are you putting yourself in this situation? the futher you go along, the more you will care about him and the try to convince yourself that this isn't an issue. but it is, you know it has been in the past. are you trying to just find unsuitable guys so that you're never happy? are you trying to sabotage your relationships from the beginning by picking just the wrong guy for the long term?
so much fear. so much trying to change the past and so much trying to control the future. like any of them belong to me. so much avoidance. picking any small thing and going with it to great lengths.
so what you're thinking of him? don't you dare message him! he should message you first. how do you even know if he still wants to see you ever again after the weekend you've had? you're a weird creep. he probably thought you are a basket case and when he would have got home he probably thought he wants nothing to do with you because you're just too much.
that's why he didn't even bother to message you. you're not worth it
of course it all comes down to self worth. it comes down to love, how much i love myself, how much i accept myself and how much I treat myself with kindness. its a muscle that always need exercising. you cannot ever say you have this stuff sorted forever. because a new situation presents itself to love yourself and treat yourself with kindness and then you have a choice. the choice is always there. and it's so easy to go down the self-deprecating path. oh it's always so fucking easy.
don't screw this up. you like the guy. you always Screw Things with the guys you like. you're weak and boring or you're too strong and too much. you're never just good enough. you son't stand a chance. you know you always screw things up.
so now what? you're scared? of course you are. because you probably don't have a heart anymore. it's been destroyed so many times that it just don't matter anymore. what's the point? what's the point of meeting people and trying to build any meaningful connections and steal moments of happiness when you know this isn't going to last. you know you're going to fail again.
yes, the black hole just gets deeper and deeper. the spiral keeps spiralling. but it's ok, you little monsters. just as cowardly as you act, my awareness of you has also improved. i can see you at the corner of my eyes. i can smell you stench. i know you are coming around with fear and pain because there is something good to destroy. otherwise you wouldn't bother. so i take your desire to devour what's good in life and use it to desire love towards myself. and to use that love to overcome the fear that you so much crave. to love myself more and more is all i can do. to caress and kindly forgive myself. to accept all of these thoughts and not engage with them. keep them away from my soul. make my soul strong enough not to engage with them.
