Because I'm such a 2-sided, 2 extremes, bipolar, 2 opposites coexisting ... person ... I have always been seeking balance and harmony in my life.
I am naturally inclined to get stressed, jump from being extremely happy and dancing to being totally and utterly miserable to being tired, to being stressed to being the most optimistic to the most enthusiastic person in the world. It's all very energy intensive. It's very dramatic and emotional and it requires a lot of me.
Which I'm happy to be. I am naturally like that. But I also have been wanting balance and normality, mediocrity and that average, median line all my life.
I seek (and often find) enough adventure and adrenaline. What I must consciously make an effort to achieve is balance.
I have been able to start on that path for the past 2 years through meditation, getting to know myself, connecting with myself and improving my awareness of my body and mind. Living a mindful life and a more connected life have allowed me to achieve my long quest of balance.
I can now be happily on my own (as a massive extrovert I have always struggled with that). I don't need constant attention and stimulation from a multitude of people. I now criticise myself less and Accept myself far more than I ever dreamed I could.
I now do things that are good for my body and for my mind and I forgive myself so much more when I don't.
My personal relationships with men have always been fucked up. In the past few years, I have been able to get to a balanced state with my professional life and my family (whom I've always had a difficult Relationship with). My friends have always been and remain great. But somehow my relationship life remained a bit behind all of the other chapters.
I can now see and say that I was never ready nor able. I have taken on many projects and fixed a lot of guys' lives. I was always trying to fix other people when, in fact, I needed to "fix" myself. I have always entered long term elation ship with guys that I knew, at some unconscious level that I would never be able to be with and that it was a temporary arrangement.
"Temporary" arrangements worked very well for me. They required no commitment and allowed me control all levels of emotional engagement. I was Scared and fearful to trust, to love and to allow myself to be exposed and to be vulnerable. I was scared of loving too much, caring too much and putting too much in without getting the expected ROI. They always ended up disappointing me because my standards could never be met. I got offended at the slightest sight of weakness and criticised any flaw I could find. I was, in fact, trying to come to terms with my own weakness and my own flaws.
It's so easy to treat people badly and see all of these Negative qualities in them when really, it is you that is starring back in the mirror and can't face.
It is only when I learnt to love, admire, respect and accept myself for all that I am that I could, finally, do the same for others. And not just any others. But the people that I was in intimate relationships with.
It was only when I finally became open enough, brave enough and fear and weakness and vulnerability weren't such an issue any more (they didn't go away, I need to clarify, it's just that my attitude towards them changed) ... That's when I was able to find and start the first healthy relationship in my life.
It may be a bold statement and only time will tell if I will be right or wrong. But I can only say what I know and experience right now. And right now, I feel that I am able to appreciate and experience this relationship in the right way. With no other messing about with other people (physically or emotionally) trying to fill in the blanks that I had inside myself. With no games and Plan Bs because I has always been too weak not to fear.
Now, I embrace it all. The uncertainty, feeling weak and exposed. I feel I am opening myself greatly to a stranger. I feel I am beginning to care, I am starting to have all of these feelings towards another guy who I don't even know if he likes me. I am scared. I am terrified of him deciding one day that this isn't working out for him and that he wants out. And that I will be left on my own, wondering what happened and where did I go wrong.
But I can only raise above those thoughts and accept them as signs of being a human. And let them guide me through not taking someone for granted, using their power wisely into appreciation and showing affection for someone that I fear might and can hurt me one day.
The thoughts can be negative and can turn against me. So many people would close up when they realise they are exposed, they would run away from themselves and deny themselves the happiness and intimacy that you can create when you are and stay open. Open towards yourself and therefore towards others. Open towards receiving caring and gentleness from someone else. Open towards receiving touch and expression of love in whatever form it comes.
I choose not to use those negative thoughts. And sometimes they do get the best of me. Sometimes I doubt myself and sometimes I start to analyse and freak out. Sometimes my ego is trying to get control back and make me play games. Sometimes the ego is trying to get the manipulation and the evil come out. But my own true self knows better. I am now so much in touch with with it that the ego cannot keep hold for too long.
Being far from perfect, I make mistakes all the time. There is always a way to do things better, if you start thinking with your mind. Every cell in my brain is geared towards process improvement and effectiveness. I will never win at my own game. I will always fall short of something. But if I let my Soul guide me through, I will always win.
Because just waking up in the morning in the arms of the right guy is the right thing. My soul is telling me yes, yes! The go wants to come in and say I'll have more, this is not enough, you need to have him more and more, all to yourself. But I know that is not my truth and that is not me.
How do I know? It's like a muscle. The more you practice, the more you learn to use it. You cannot expect big, you cannot achieve great things over night. The Eureka moments are of film and drama. Real miracles happen when there is a lot of hard work involved, continuous, over time, with prolonged and sustained effort. I started small, with managing a bit here and there. A small battle won. A self realisation. A moment of self awareness and closeness to your soul. Listen to your soul. I listen to my soul.
It's telling me that all is good and all is fine. I should enjoy and not question with logic. I should accept and not push away. It's telling me that I am happy. I am happy.
Th ego will start looking for reason - why are you happy? Can you list the reasons? Then go through each reason and logically decompose it until nothing of it is left.
And I am imperfect. This is key. I still say and do silly things. I do not always do the right thing. I don't always listen and do things that enable me to be happy. But the things that fall outside those parameters are a guide as to what I want to be experiencing and what I do not want to be experiencing any more. Only by stumbling and bumping into things I can learn not to go there again and only then I can make choices. Real choices, based on where I want to be as a person.
It's very easy to hang your happiness on someone else. To believe that when you are with them, you're happy. Their responsibility is huge and you become co-dependant on their presence and their every action. You cling, you are scared of being left alone because that means you might have to look at yourself in the mirror for once.
My journey is just beginning in so may ways. I feel that my self awareness is just starting to scratch the surface of possibility. The opportunity to expand is limitless.
Now, I embrace it all. The uncertainty, feeling weak and exposed. I feel I am opening myself greatly to a stranger. I feel I am beginning to care, I am starting to have all of these feelings towards another guy who I don't even know if he likes me. I am scared. I am terrified of him deciding one day that this isn't working out for him and that he wants out. And that I will be left on my own, wondering what happened and where did I go wrong.
But I can only raise above those thoughts and accept them as signs of being a human. And let them guide me through not taking someone for granted, using their power wisely into appreciation and showing affection for someone that I fear might and can hurt me one day.
The thoughts can be negative and can turn against me. So many people would close up when they realise they are exposed, they would run away from themselves and deny themselves the happiness and intimacy that you can create when you are and stay open. Open towards yourself and therefore towards others. Open towards receiving caring and gentleness from someone else. Open towards receiving touch and expression of love in whatever form it comes.
I choose not to use those negative thoughts. And sometimes they do get the best of me. Sometimes I doubt myself and sometimes I start to analyse and freak out. Sometimes my ego is trying to get control back and make me play games. Sometimes the ego is trying to get the manipulation and the evil come out. But my own true self knows better. I am now so much in touch with with it that the ego cannot keep hold for too long.
Being far from perfect, I make mistakes all the time. There is always a way to do things better, if you start thinking with your mind. Every cell in my brain is geared towards process improvement and effectiveness. I will never win at my own game. I will always fall short of something. But if I let my Soul guide me through, I will always win.
Because just waking up in the morning in the arms of the right guy is the right thing. My soul is telling me yes, yes! The go wants to come in and say I'll have more, this is not enough, you need to have him more and more, all to yourself. But I know that is not my truth and that is not me.
How do I know? It's like a muscle. The more you practice, the more you learn to use it. You cannot expect big, you cannot achieve great things over night. The Eureka moments are of film and drama. Real miracles happen when there is a lot of hard work involved, continuous, over time, with prolonged and sustained effort. I started small, with managing a bit here and there. A small battle won. A self realisation. A moment of self awareness and closeness to your soul. Listen to your soul. I listen to my soul.
It's telling me that all is good and all is fine. I should enjoy and not question with logic. I should accept and not push away. It's telling me that I am happy. I am happy.
Th ego will start looking for reason - why are you happy? Can you list the reasons? Then go through each reason and logically decompose it until nothing of it is left.
And I am imperfect. This is key. I still say and do silly things. I do not always do the right thing. I don't always listen and do things that enable me to be happy. But the things that fall outside those parameters are a guide as to what I want to be experiencing and what I do not want to be experiencing any more. Only by stumbling and bumping into things I can learn not to go there again and only then I can make choices. Real choices, based on where I want to be as a person.
It's very easy to hang your happiness on someone else. To believe that when you are with them, you're happy. Their responsibility is huge and you become co-dependant on their presence and their every action. You cling, you are scared of being left alone because that means you might have to look at yourself in the mirror for once.
My journey is just beginning in so may ways. I feel that my self awareness is just starting to scratch the surface of possibility. The opportunity to expand is limitless.
