I am drunk. From drinking... Don't have any illusions that I am drunk of happiness or something metaphoric like that. I am crying, I am scared and did I say I am scared?? I am drunk. I have never drank on my own before. But tonight...
I am 3 days late. I am scared I might be pregnant. I am so Fucking scared that the only way I could figure out to get through tonight was to get drunk. Plus red wine is meant to help with my period, if it's ever fucking going to come.
All my life I never wanted kids. I have never been the marrying and kids type My friends know it. My parents are used to the idea they are never going to be grandparents. I have been in amazing relationships before and I have had to break up with them because they wanted a family, they wanted a life I couldn't offer them.
And then I met you. You are the first man that didn't make me feel completely and utterly paranoid about getting pregnant. I don't even know what the fuck I was thinking. I don't even know why. There is no foundation for my feeling like that. I saw you with kids and thought, for the first time in my life, that you would make an amazing dad. And that is the part at which I was supposed to freak out. But instead, I just had those thoughts, There is just something in me that thought if we have unprotected sex that all is going to be ok.
I let my guard down. I stopped worrying. I stopped being in control. I let go.... I should know fucking better. There is a reason I've never stopped being in control all my life, with all those guys before. It is at the end of the day my body, not yours. You don't give a fucking shit. Either way, you don't have to do amazingly scary and hurtful things to your body whatever happens.
And now... well, you are having fun in Geneva, staying over with your friend.... another girl friend. For all I know, you could be fucking someone else now. And I am freaking out that I might be pregnant. How the fuck is that is fucking fair?
Also, with this great fucking opportunity I have realised that I am not anywhere close to ready. I am not. I don't know if I will ever be. All of that bulshit with "you are the first man...." well, you are. That is a fact. But that doesn't mean that I am ready. Or that I will ever be. It just means that for the first time I am experiencing these new thoughts.
Ok, for the first time in my life I feel that I met someone that is capable of not screwing up everything. I actually have respect for you, as a man. So, I am .... crying hopelessly and I don't even know if you will be ever able to understand this. Because I don;t know how much you can and are able to empathise.
And because I am spiralling down into a great, giant black hole of hopelessness due to my current massively panicked state, I am going to try to focus on some positives. I am going to write about all the things I like about you,
I like how you play music. From he first night I've come arund at yours, you've played music. I love music. It is an integral part of my life and I love how much it is always played when I'm around you.
I love how much you know about technilogy. I like you making stuff work, I like you knowing about things and teaching me about them. I like you enabling me.
Following on from that, I like how you know so much about so much. You are an incredibly intelligent man and you are the most modest man I've ever met. You are simply incrdible. I love your intelligence. It is a massive turn on and joined with your modesty it just is something i cannot resisit.
I like how strong you are. Physically and mentally. And sporitually. I like you lifting me up and carring me throgh the house. I like how I can feel your eergy .... like the most solid concreete bloack of steel I have ever felt. And I also know that you hold yourself to different standards and that you don't think that you are. You think tht you can be better all the time. And you never reach your standards,
I like how OCD you are. I like how clean and tidy and organised your flat is. I like how when you come over, how your stuff is not intrusive and how you neatly arrange your stuff in my flat.
I like how caring and considerate you are. In a subtle and not in your face, needy manner. I like how you always put my phone to charge if it needs to be, how you always bring me water to bed befoe sleep. You are so kind. Kindness is sexy.
I like how you iron your shirts. Ony cause not a lot of guys would be bothered to do this. Most single guys wuld either not do it at all cause it;s too much troible or would just have all of their shirts dry cleaned. The easy way. I like how you do both. You can iron, you don;t take the easy way and you also get your stuff dry cleaned, where it makes better sense. I like how you don;t take the easy way and how you are also using your common sense. Balance is very sexy.
I am 3 days late. I am scared I might be pregnant. I am so Fucking scared that the only way I could figure out to get through tonight was to get drunk. Plus red wine is meant to help with my period, if it's ever fucking going to come.
All my life I never wanted kids. I have never been the marrying and kids type My friends know it. My parents are used to the idea they are never going to be grandparents. I have been in amazing relationships before and I have had to break up with them because they wanted a family, they wanted a life I couldn't offer them.
And then I met you. You are the first man that didn't make me feel completely and utterly paranoid about getting pregnant. I don't even know what the fuck I was thinking. I don't even know why. There is no foundation for my feeling like that. I saw you with kids and thought, for the first time in my life, that you would make an amazing dad. And that is the part at which I was supposed to freak out. But instead, I just had those thoughts, There is just something in me that thought if we have unprotected sex that all is going to be ok.
I let my guard down. I stopped worrying. I stopped being in control. I let go.... I should know fucking better. There is a reason I've never stopped being in control all my life, with all those guys before. It is at the end of the day my body, not yours. You don't give a fucking shit. Either way, you don't have to do amazingly scary and hurtful things to your body whatever happens.
And now... well, you are having fun in Geneva, staying over with your friend.... another girl friend. For all I know, you could be fucking someone else now. And I am freaking out that I might be pregnant. How the fuck is that is fucking fair?
Also, with this great fucking opportunity I have realised that I am not anywhere close to ready. I am not. I don't know if I will ever be. All of that bulshit with "you are the first man...." well, you are. That is a fact. But that doesn't mean that I am ready. Or that I will ever be. It just means that for the first time I am experiencing these new thoughts.
Ok, for the first time in my life I feel that I met someone that is capable of not screwing up everything. I actually have respect for you, as a man. So, I am .... crying hopelessly and I don't even know if you will be ever able to understand this. Because I don;t know how much you can and are able to empathise.
And because I am spiralling down into a great, giant black hole of hopelessness due to my current massively panicked state, I am going to try to focus on some positives. I am going to write about all the things I like about you,
I like how you play music. From he first night I've come arund at yours, you've played music. I love music. It is an integral part of my life and I love how much it is always played when I'm around you.
I love how much you know about technilogy. I like you making stuff work, I like you knowing about things and teaching me about them. I like you enabling me.
Following on from that, I like how you know so much about so much. You are an incredibly intelligent man and you are the most modest man I've ever met. You are simply incrdible. I love your intelligence. It is a massive turn on and joined with your modesty it just is something i cannot resisit.
I like how strong you are. Physically and mentally. And sporitually. I like you lifting me up and carring me throgh the house. I like how I can feel your eergy .... like the most solid concreete bloack of steel I have ever felt. And I also know that you hold yourself to different standards and that you don't think that you are. You think tht you can be better all the time. And you never reach your standards,
I like how OCD you are. I like how clean and tidy and organised your flat is. I like how when you come over, how your stuff is not intrusive and how you neatly arrange your stuff in my flat.
I like how caring and considerate you are. In a subtle and not in your face, needy manner. I like how you always put my phone to charge if it needs to be, how you always bring me water to bed befoe sleep. You are so kind. Kindness is sexy.
I like how you iron your shirts. Ony cause not a lot of guys would be bothered to do this. Most single guys wuld either not do it at all cause it;s too much troible or would just have all of their shirts dry cleaned. The easy way. I like how you do both. You can iron, you don;t take the easy way and you also get your stuff dry cleaned, where it makes better sense. I like how you don;t take the easy way and how you are also using your common sense. Balance is very sexy.
