I am fully aware that me emailing you is fucking weird. I have debated with myself whether I should ever even send you this. Many times. About 5 per second. 

But then, I have no other choice to communicate with you. Out of cowardliness, out of fear, out of the unknown, out of many things that are purely human and weaknesses this is the only way I am finding at the moment to be able to do it. 

The reasons are the fact that I can clear my head and I can see my thoughts written on a piece on white background, which gives me a chance to review them. This is not a reactive, disempowered, weak reaction to something. 

This is a conscious choice from a conscious girl to communicate with you, because I need to, because I think ultimately communication is the only thing we have to make something work and because I choose to express myself rather than to know this never worked. 

Unfortunately there are a multitude of things that I need to say, I wish there were less. But since they are not, I am going to say them all, as there is no point of skipping them. Not when getting to this point. 

I am firstly going to apologise for the timing of this email. I realise, depending when you read it that it might be seen as a selfish act of communication. Because you are away on holiday and because I REALLY, really don't want to make that less for you in any way. I truly want you to enjoy your time off. You have been so stressed out and so tired and i really hope you get some healing, nurturing and empowering energy from this trip because you really are such an amazing man, deserving it fully. 

Secondly, I also want to specify, and i don't know how much you will be able to comprehend this - is that my intention is not criticise, not to judge nor to impose or change anything that is not already there. I have to desire for fake, not genuine and not powerful expression for self. I wish to communicate and to realise your best self, should you wish the same, in our relationship. 

ok, now that I have set my assumptions in the RAID log... I will start. 

D., I like so many things about you. I believe I have made myself very known, expressed and brought my feelings out in the open regarding that. 

I can genuinely (without any trace of dramatising) say that I DO NOT know whether you actually like me too, whether you actually want to be with me. Something that I would find normal if we were 17 years old or 2 weeks into seeing eachother. Since none of those is the case, I feel that I should have some indication by now. 

I am not saying that your actions don't indicate that you actually might like me, because they do... BUT, and this is the but BUT ... is the fact that no matter how self confident someone is (and I am not the worst person at being self assured) we all need at some point to know ... 

I have never been with anyone like you before. This is not to say that you might be not be exactly what I need. Not knowing, the uncertainty, the not being sure... These are all things that are part of the of fun. I am enjoying playing the game. But also.... there comes a time where trying to translate your actions is simply guess work and the fact that I am simply guessing is just disempowering. 

I know that I keep mentioning my weird interests.... but unfortunately they are an intrinsic part of who I am. And part of me is being in a relationship that I trust, a relationship that empowers me, a connection that enriches me more than I would otherwise be on my own. I want to be with someone I can respect and someone whom I can communicate everything with. Now I realise that my needs of connection at a very sci-fi, spiritual, conceptual and theoretical levels are not the easiest and most palpable things to work with. 

And I also realise that I wouldn't necessarily expect one person to be able to fulfil all of my needs because it's very difficult and not very fair to have so much burden and expectation. So I am ok with levels of eachother not being understood, fulfilled and expressed. 

What I would like is to have the desire for both to grow towards a place of connection, sharing, trust, support and kindness. 

I believe that requires interest from both sides, effort, determination and investment in time spending together to be able to build such a connection.. This does not happen over night. 

However, I am finding this hard to do together. I know that due to our schedules we have not been coordinated in the past few months. And the things that we had planned before we had been together are of course out of control (even if, arguably, if the desire is there, we are all completely in charge of our lives). I have at least expressed my interest for you to join me at Glastonbury ( if that was in any way possible or desired by you), invited you to join me for Berlin. The desire and interest from my side was at least there and expressed. I haven't even heard any interest from you at all, even if hypothetically expressed.

I think it's the lack of even the expression of spending time together that is showing where you are and where I am. You haven't even mentioned to me that you would have wanted me to join you for Geneva, nor the sailing trip. And despite all of these being booked before we had got together, now you have decided to go to Japan. Not a single thought of us spending that time to get to know eachother better. 

Now I cannot express enough the fact that I am happy for you going and having time off, meeting your friends. in fat, I encourage you to, as I have no interest in cultivating an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship. But, the fact that you had no interest in even asking me to spend that time together is again telling me that you're either not interested to, not aware of or not even wanting to. Either way, we seem to be apart at opposite sides of the relationship. This is not what I am looking for. If you are lacking in awareness, then I want to be with someone who is in a place of self knowledge and self recognition to be able to assesses the situation and make informed and empowered choices. I want to be their choice. Not an in all encompassing, self devouring way. In a healthy, constructive way. 

If you don't want to, nor have no interest to start sharing and spending time together then I am not sure why we should be wasting any more time anyway, because by now you should know if you want to do that or not.If anything, I should know if you want to do or not.... and yet I am finding myself in a situation that I don't know. This might be my fault and in any other situation I would be blaming myself for my lack of self assurance. 

But I am a conscious woman; I am not an needy, insecure person. And the fact that I don't even know if you like me or not is unfortunately something that we are both affected by but nothing much I can do about. I am ready, and fully open to your suggestion for improvement if I need to make any in terms of my communicating to you where I stand in regards to my interest to you. In fact, engagement at any of these meaningful levels would be something that I would welcome. 

But i believe I have been quite expressive. And I am not sure if I have received that same level of expression in return. I am also aware that you have been very busy very stressed and very preoccupied with other aspects of your life. Which I respect, appreciate and try to understand and support as much as I can. If you are however interested in a real, mature, meaningful relationship, this also takes time, effort and determination to create and maintain and certainly doesn't happen as a coincidence. 

Now, to even make things even easier and even more clear to you, my instincts are telling me that you are. That you like me, that you are not the sort of person who messes about. That you think very hard before making any actions and that you don't just do things by mistake. I am sensing that you are a sensitive, vulnerable person who maybe has been hurt in the past and is not as open, not as trusting and needs time to express themselves. 

If all of those are true, then I know all of this doesn't matter, that all of this will perhaps make you retreat back inside, behind your many walls. But please also know that I am the kindest, most open, most accepting girl you will ever meet. I am finding it very hard to connect with you and I have tried. I need to connect with you in order for this to work. 

I am a very complex, complicated, fucked up, nuanced, turned inside up and down, dark and light person.... I need more, much more, a lot ... a lot more... than what I might come across. Yes, I am superficial, yes, I am shallow... in so many ways.... but then, in so many other ways ... I am the exact opposite. And I am not expecting all of these things now. 

I am patient. I am open. I am here for you. I am here to enable and empower you to be your best you can be. But the fact that I don't even know for sure that you like me and want to be with me after all this time is not ok. The fact that I don't know how much you really are interested in me is not ok. 

This is an adjustment process. As I have said above, I have never been with someone like you. Everyone I have ever been with have (sometimes overly) expressed their feeling and where they stand with no actions following theoretical words. So I'm here to say that maybe your method of actions speaking for themselves is maybe the best, but I just don't know what your actions mean for sure. If I have never had to do this before, how can I know? There is no way for me to know for sure.

I have been told to leave you because you are likely not interested in me. That if you were, surely you would have expressed that to me, in words, in a tangible way. That someone who is interested and willing to build a relationship is not going to have their female friends sleep over, go over with them on holiday, almost (or effectively) as a couple, book holidays months away without even considering the other person. That if you are really interested in someone you just don't care about anything else. Maybe I am just misinterpreting actions that are really disparate of one another. Maybe my main problem is the basic one: if I at least knew you liked me and wanted to be with me, maybe it would all be interpreted through another lens. But, for now, this is the lens I have. 

What can I say to these facts? Nothing really, because I really don't know you. All I've got to go on is my instincts but I think even that just burns out at some point. Because I am not sure. Running out of belief and instincts telling me that it is all good. 

Maybe because I'm too insecure, too fearful and too weak to hold on strong. Maybe I am. I am assuming those faults. I am imperfect. I make mistakes and I fail all the time. I am weak and I hope and make misjudgements. And I speak without thinking first. And I dream and contemplate of a world that doesn't' exist. And I hurt people that I love and mean the world to me. And I get low and terribly scared. And I am selfish sometimes and I hold myself to impossibly high standards that I always berate myself for never reaching. 

And even me talking to you about all these things in this email should be so easy to someone else. And I think there's something wrong with me for not being able to. But I chose to email you. Because I could not gather my thoughts and I just would not know where to start telling you all of these. 

On the other hand, I know that when I'm fully aware and connected to my own soul states, I am not happy because I feel that I have all these to communicate to you. And that I need you to be aware of all them so you can be empowered and make your own choices as to what kind of a girl you want to be with and who you want to be in that relationship. 

And be able to express yourself in the fullest and most powerful ways you can. In a liberating way. Bear in mind that I do not want nor I am here to change you. Because I have no interest to, nor any desire. I am here to be with someone who already knows who they are, who they want to be and are ready and prepared to make some effort to get there, as well as share and have fun along the way, 

What can I say now, towards the end of my "novel" email? I miss you, despite me seeing you this morning. I am thinking of you without even knowing if you ever are thinking of me. Because you have never said that. Because I don't know. 

And I am so happy for you. This past week has been so big for you. And I am very grateful for you including me in your journey. To top it all off with you sailing is amazing. You talking about sailing is the only time I have ever seen passion and emotion in your heart. I felt privileged to be able to be a witness to that opening of enthusiasm. I wish that you find a girl that makes you, even if it's me or someone else, feel like that about them one day. It's inspiring to see passion like that in anyone, but especially in someone who doesn't express it very often. 

A.