All my life I have had an interest in this. But it is only when I got into a place of maturity and self acceptance I was brave enough to bring it to the surface and do something about it. 

Growing up, I have been given very strict rules about what is good and what is bad. What is acceptable to treat people like and what is not. So me taking any pleasure from hitting someone else was always classed as "there must be something wrong with me" and "I must push this back and pretend I never thought about it" and certainly never act upon it. 

There have been times in my long-term, very intimate relationships when I tried to explore this in some way. But it takes courage to bring up something that you don't even accept in yourself. So I never did, at least not properly, never in a straightforward manner. 

At the experimentation stage as a teenager with anything to do with sex, my boyfriend at the time tried to soft and gently use a tie to restrict me, blindfold me but it was always to do sexual things to me. When I tried the same on him, the expectation was that also I would be in charge of the sexual actions. 

Which I never wanted to be and that was not what I wanted out of that situation. I wanted more, my desires sparked at something different. And my few failed attempt of small hits with my palm were not that well received, certainly not with the enthusiasm and pleasure I hoped for. I also realised that is wasn't the bodily physical hitting that I wanted. I wanted to use devices that would put me at a distance from the other person. The distance was key. 

So, it turns out that there is no point in buying stuff for an activity that you are never able to perform on anyone because you are too scared to even admit you might like it. 

I gave it up completely and pushed it down, down. Also, I am a daily airy, floaty person. This was never an issue and I never had any major frustrations because of it. It never influenced my life in any way and I never felt limited because I couldn't full it. It was always a nice to have, but could do fine without it. 

Then I grew up. I started loving and accepting myself. I started experiencing true freedom from my worst enemy - my own criticism and standards and pre-conceived ideas. I changed. I embraced the new. I started pushing through my own built boundaries. 

Then, one day, BDSM came back. When everyone started reading 50 Shades or Grey and all of my friends started talking about how they imagine themselves to be this woman, how they would want men to take more control and how unhappy they are in their boring sex lives.... That's when I started thinking about my old interests in this area. 

It took me 2 years from when the book came out to actually read it. I had a lot of other, more important work to do on myself. But I knew that once I got to a good place emotionally and mentally, BDSM was something I could explore from a more empowered position. 

So I read the book and found it surprisingly boring. The ideas in my head were far more vivid, far more developed and expecting all of the activities described to be a higher level. It tuned out to be a disappointment, because the author has no actually writing talent and the expression and information about BDSm was the only reason I even started reading it. Only (barely) finished the first book, when I decided it was a waste of my time. 

There were a few things that I got out of there:

- I got massively excited by the idea of a room with tools and objects

- in my otherwise normal life and interactions with men, I have no desire to be in charge and quite like men who act like men, take charge, seduce, conquer and randomly smash you, as a women against a lift wall to kiss you. Or any wall for that matter. Or men who pick you up and take you to bed, knowing exactly what they want and how to get it 

So I did. the idea came up as a random topic with my ex, whom I was friends with after we broke up at the time and we were still intimately engaging with one another. Being in a relationship with him for almost 2 years, I felt comfortable to bring something like this up, but also that fact that he is the most open minded, curious by nature and freedom loving person I know. 

He didn't know about any of this either, but wanted to give me a chance to express myself and explore his own limitations and pre-conceived ideas in this area. 

So, finally, my dream came true. I went to a shop and bought hundreds of pounds worth of stuff. I cannot describe to you the joy, excitement and pleasure I got from thinking about this as a real possibility to come true. The anticipation....

And it did turn into reality. And I did enjoy it. I knew exactly what I wanted, the images were in my head for so long that every little detail was already there, ready to come alive. Ready to be made into reality. 

I learnt so many interesting things about it. 

The experience was humbling, a lot more humbling than I ever thought. It is somehow that I was there to please someone else, entirely surrendering themselves to. The trust that they gave me was humbling. The ability to let go of their own perceptions and judgements and enjoy the experience was humbling. 

And yes, there are some bottom hard truths also. I hit them. With several devices, for several proposes. A lot of times. Sometimes harder, sometimes softer. The harder hits are the best and most pleasurable for me. They were in chains, in cuffs, in ropes. The move that a human body makes when you hit it sharply, fast and hard is amazing. The sounds the chains make when wrapped around the ankles of the feet moving. In pain. 

And then, as a contrast, to be so gentle and to give so much touch and affection to this amazing person who is surrendering themselves to you. The responsibility that you have. The pleasure potential they you might give them. Adrenaline running through your body. It's a solitary experience and it is the most intimate experience. I love the duality. 

And most of all, freeing myself up from the restrains I put on myself. Being able to do this with someone else and not think I am a monster. Ok, I still might have a bit of acceptance to do. I still don't talk about this freely with anyone and most importantly, the guy that I am seeing at the moment doesn't have a clue. But, hey, baby steps.