You know when you go out with friend a for drinks - and when you're single you basically act in a silly, flirty way with everyone... At least that's what I do because I can, because it's fun and because there's no reason why I shouldn't.
The problem is that most of the times I act the same when I'm not single. Sometimes badly enough, even when my Boyfriend is there, out with me. I ignore him, and have my own fun. Sometimes I feel like he is dragging me down. Sometimes I think ... "What the hell was I thinking bringing him along?".
At least I used to in the past. Ok so you might think I'm a horrible person. The truth is that I Lack guilt, I lack moral judgement by society's fucked up moral rules. And I have too much of a good opinion of myself to care enough about what others might think. I do go through life trying to care about things are you're meant to feel importantly about. But sometimes I don't.
Fidelity has never been my strong point. With my lack of guilt, associated with charisma, which means I always have some men trotting about, lack of empathy and not fearing consequences , well I can say that it's not that hard.
It sounds pretty fucking horrible if you measure it by Normal standards. I do realise that and I know what society teaches us as being wrong or not. It doesn't mean that I have to obey by it, it just gives be obstacles to have to find ways around.
What I can tell you is that all my life I have wanted to be more normal. I could never defy what this normal means but I felt that I wasn't quite there. And I always wanted to get there. In some way. In some other way I quite enjoyed my status outside of it.
But last night I think I might have reached another step towards normality. I went out with friends and the guy I'm currently seeing. D. has made me break a lot of rules and old patterns of behaviour. And for the first time I felt and did actually say to other guys there that I have a boyfriend. And I felt like saying that, I felt that I didn't want them to think that I'm available. That maybe stringing them along or maybe setting the tone for the interaction ... Maybe both and more. But the need for setting that distance was there. And it was sloppy and I probably came out to be quite a stupid teenage sloppy girl - saying that "just so you know, I have a boyfriend and he is right there". I genuinely have no idea what people say or do I these situations. I don't even know what's the rule, maybe you're not many to say something or just act in a certain way.
I can certainly say I don't know the way to act in that way. Maybe it's a learning curve. I've had to learn to fake so many other thoughts and emotions and gestures. If I would ever care enough, I would have learnt this one too, but I just never saw the point.
I can see the glimpse of a point now.
