You know how some things in life just hit you like a bag of shit over your face and you didn't even see them?
Well, I was so scared of this happening if I ever tried to talk to D. Burning, skinning and chopping off my arm - in that order would be a holiday near a sea breeze with a beautiful ocean view compared to actually talking to him. Just me texting him first was "painful" enough.
Our fears and our egos, our insecurities and our weaknesses are really at the heart of everything wrong with this fucking world.
After our disastrous Saturday messages exchange, he came over on Sunday and I couldn't even kiss him. I looked at him and thought I don't even know how to be with him. I was awkward and terrible. I was trying to get out of the house as fast as possible (by making up in hungry and go for lunch) knowing very well that us being in the house is pretty much our only real chance of starting a meaningful line of communication.
But I still wanted to fucking jump out the window of my own house and don't come back until he wasn't going to be there anymore.
Luckily, in the eleventh hour, in that 0.001% when I really, actually, needed him ... D. did manage to muster the courage, the power, inspiration or strength to ask me ... "So, what's up?". As simple as that, but my god, so difficult. And that was the start of our first normal, proper and open conversation since we've been together.
His face was that same face of fear that I saw in him when I asked him about his female friend and the toothbrush. I saw the fear of him losing me. Losing us, this, our relationship. Not sure... but fear .... I can sense fear for miles. It has this specific vibe in the air. That's when I knew we were going to be ok, because fear is weakness, but also you cannot have fear without caring. Only when you care about something or someone, that's when you fear.
And I started with "I don't know, I'm just being weird". And his response was "You're being weird? No, it's me, it's not you". He apologised again and again.
And then we talked. About how he has been feeling really down and has just shut me out because that's what he does, not just to me, but the world. How he has been distant and I was absolutely right to call him on it. That I had been spot on with my message.
And that, in a normal circumstance, after my message that was clearly just picking up on his signals, he would have just called me or messaged me with "what's wrong", but because of the bad state he was in, he just retreated even more.
I told him everything. How I don't feel that he communicates with me, how I just don't even know if he wants to be with me at all. That sometimes I just get down and I need to hear these things, despite what my rationality tells me. That I really do like how he is and that I Love how rational he is and that I don't want him to change, but that when I get low like this and emotional that I need a bit more.
And he didn't make me feel silly at all. Talking about me suffering and being in doubt and weird... he was so kind and compassionate.
And he apologised a hundred times. He told me how much he likes me and likes being with me. That being with me makes him automatically feel better no matter how shit he is feeling. That he knows he doesn't communicate, that he knows he doesn't express his thoughts. But that he is just not built like that. When he feels shit, his instinct is not to talk to someone about it, but just to have time on his own and try to solve it.
We basically both agreed it was a bad timing for both of us.... we were both in a bad place and since we don't know each other, we just didn't know what to do about it. He did say "I'm such an idiot, I could have solved this with a few words yesterday". And I agreed with him hahaha. But he kissed me and hugged me so many times after that. He held my hand continuously on the street, when we did finally head off to have lunch and continuously stroke me and touched me during lunch.
We talked a bit more and I felt so connected to him. I really felt amazingly close to him. We sat at the table and he pointed out the fact that this is our last weekend together for the next 6 weeks. He booked his flight to Oslo (to join me) in 5 minutes. So we are going to Oslo together.
He told me that he will try and he knows that he will still be rubbish at telling me stuff. But that, for him, us spending time together and making plans and traveling together just simply means that it is all going so well.
I even asked him about December - which I thought I might as well since we are in the travelling space. And he mentioned Australia as a possibility for him. And I didn't say anything. I thought that he is either oblivious again or just doesn't think about it too much. But then, he shyly asked me if I wanted to go to Australia twice in the same year .... and I said "yes, of course I do". And that was it. He needs to look into his time off from work, since it would be about 3 weeks that would be taken off. But I think chances are.... that whatever we are doing, we are doing together!
And after all that, last night, I felt that we made love... for the first the first time in my life, after all the bullshit that Adam was trying to talk to me about sex, love and spiritual connection, which I just never quite got because I wasn't there... whatever... I felt that D. made love to me. We, of course, had sex, but his passion, his hunger for my body, his kissing and hold me... tightly, everything he did.... I felt.... for the first time in my life that here I am, with this man that I feel so much for and that he is just showing his feelings through making love to me. It was way more than fulfilling a physical process, it was way more than fun and pleasure.
And I am so happy and relaxed and ... just simply fulfilled. Emotionally, physically, psychologically.
Well, I was so scared of this happening if I ever tried to talk to D. Burning, skinning and chopping off my arm - in that order would be a holiday near a sea breeze with a beautiful ocean view compared to actually talking to him. Just me texting him first was "painful" enough.
Our fears and our egos, our insecurities and our weaknesses are really at the heart of everything wrong with this fucking world.
After our disastrous Saturday messages exchange, he came over on Sunday and I couldn't even kiss him. I looked at him and thought I don't even know how to be with him. I was awkward and terrible. I was trying to get out of the house as fast as possible (by making up in hungry and go for lunch) knowing very well that us being in the house is pretty much our only real chance of starting a meaningful line of communication.
But I still wanted to fucking jump out the window of my own house and don't come back until he wasn't going to be there anymore.
Luckily, in the eleventh hour, in that 0.001% when I really, actually, needed him ... D. did manage to muster the courage, the power, inspiration or strength to ask me ... "So, what's up?". As simple as that, but my god, so difficult. And that was the start of our first normal, proper and open conversation since we've been together.
His face was that same face of fear that I saw in him when I asked him about his female friend and the toothbrush. I saw the fear of him losing me. Losing us, this, our relationship. Not sure... but fear .... I can sense fear for miles. It has this specific vibe in the air. That's when I knew we were going to be ok, because fear is weakness, but also you cannot have fear without caring. Only when you care about something or someone, that's when you fear.
And I started with "I don't know, I'm just being weird". And his response was "You're being weird? No, it's me, it's not you". He apologised again and again.
And then we talked. About how he has been feeling really down and has just shut me out because that's what he does, not just to me, but the world. How he has been distant and I was absolutely right to call him on it. That I had been spot on with my message.
And that, in a normal circumstance, after my message that was clearly just picking up on his signals, he would have just called me or messaged me with "what's wrong", but because of the bad state he was in, he just retreated even more.
I told him everything. How I don't feel that he communicates with me, how I just don't even know if he wants to be with me at all. That sometimes I just get down and I need to hear these things, despite what my rationality tells me. That I really do like how he is and that I Love how rational he is and that I don't want him to change, but that when I get low like this and emotional that I need a bit more.
And he didn't make me feel silly at all. Talking about me suffering and being in doubt and weird... he was so kind and compassionate.
And he apologised a hundred times. He told me how much he likes me and likes being with me. That being with me makes him automatically feel better no matter how shit he is feeling. That he knows he doesn't communicate, that he knows he doesn't express his thoughts. But that he is just not built like that. When he feels shit, his instinct is not to talk to someone about it, but just to have time on his own and try to solve it.
We basically both agreed it was a bad timing for both of us.... we were both in a bad place and since we don't know each other, we just didn't know what to do about it. He did say "I'm such an idiot, I could have solved this with a few words yesterday". And I agreed with him hahaha. But he kissed me and hugged me so many times after that. He held my hand continuously on the street, when we did finally head off to have lunch and continuously stroke me and touched me during lunch.
We talked a bit more and I felt so connected to him. I really felt amazingly close to him. We sat at the table and he pointed out the fact that this is our last weekend together for the next 6 weeks. He booked his flight to Oslo (to join me) in 5 minutes. So we are going to Oslo together.
He told me that he will try and he knows that he will still be rubbish at telling me stuff. But that, for him, us spending time together and making plans and traveling together just simply means that it is all going so well.
I even asked him about December - which I thought I might as well since we are in the travelling space. And he mentioned Australia as a possibility for him. And I didn't say anything. I thought that he is either oblivious again or just doesn't think about it too much. But then, he shyly asked me if I wanted to go to Australia twice in the same year .... and I said "yes, of course I do". And that was it. He needs to look into his time off from work, since it would be about 3 weeks that would be taken off. But I think chances are.... that whatever we are doing, we are doing together!
And after all that, last night, I felt that we made love... for the first the first time in my life, after all the bullshit that Adam was trying to talk to me about sex, love and spiritual connection, which I just never quite got because I wasn't there... whatever... I felt that D. made love to me. We, of course, had sex, but his passion, his hunger for my body, his kissing and hold me... tightly, everything he did.... I felt.... for the first time in my life that here I am, with this man that I feel so much for and that he is just showing his feelings through making love to me. It was way more than fulfilling a physical process, it was way more than fun and pleasure.
And I am so happy and relaxed and ... just simply fulfilled. Emotionally, physically, psychologically.
Communication is nice. But connection with someone that you have feelings for after so many barriers in communication is amazing. It's like my soul returning to its rightful place. But not taking that place for granted and appreciating the place.
