that's how i feel tonight. for some reason, i had it in my head that i'm going to have it easy. for the first time in my life, i am living on my own and feel that I've got a home. I feel happy and comfortable in a property. i felt safe and settled. it was an amazing feeling. i have longed all my life to feel safe and settled somewhere and I never did. there was always something needing to change - my job, my career, the city, the area, my personal life not working out... always something.
and here... I've been here since feb this year and i really felt happy. the place is so homey... at least for me... it has been my home. and i hoped it would be my home in the future. i hoped my landlord is going to sell it to me and i'm going to get to keep my home and it officially as my own.
but since life never gets that good and easy, after 2 months of waiting for a response, the hit came like a bag of shit all over me. the landlord came back to me saying he's not prepared to sell. and, again, that all too familiar feeling of stomach churning and the constant doubt and uncertainty came all over me.
and coming back to my place... coming back tonight to my supposed "home" was gone. it has now forever changed with no possibility of it coming back. a temporary location. a short term positioning in space. all of a sudden, the same place that a few hours ago was my home is now... something that i am just a guest in.
and i know all in life is about perspective. i know all the fucking theories. i know them but this is now, right now... this is my reality and my present. and it feels awful, and empty and unsettling.
i feel alone and scared and i am homeless.
and here... I've been here since feb this year and i really felt happy. the place is so homey... at least for me... it has been my home. and i hoped it would be my home in the future. i hoped my landlord is going to sell it to me and i'm going to get to keep my home and it officially as my own.
but since life never gets that good and easy, after 2 months of waiting for a response, the hit came like a bag of shit all over me. the landlord came back to me saying he's not prepared to sell. and, again, that all too familiar feeling of stomach churning and the constant doubt and uncertainty came all over me.
and coming back to my place... coming back tonight to my supposed "home" was gone. it has now forever changed with no possibility of it coming back. a temporary location. a short term positioning in space. all of a sudden, the same place that a few hours ago was my home is now... something that i am just a guest in.
and i know all in life is about perspective. i know all the fucking theories. i know them but this is now, right now... this is my reality and my present. and it feels awful, and empty and unsettling.
i feel alone and scared and i am homeless.
