It’s amazing what even the smallest amount of time with yourself, starring at a plan Blue Sky does to your brain and feelings. It gets me perspective, it cleanses me and heals me. In fact, I heal myself. But being busy and doing something all the time doesn’t allow yourself to go inside and just medicate yourself. Because I’m always doing something, I’m always putting energy into my environment, outside myself.
So today, I’ve just sat in the shade, starring at the blue sky, at some clouds in the morning, sometimes some birds and sometimes some planes. For a good few hours.
I Realised that I’ve been hurting so much over this man, whom I’ve loved so much, I’ve give so much of myself that I just didn’t even know where to start healing.
But I stopped thinking about that, and just Imagined what exactly would be the scenario that would be idea for me, fearing to think and imagine because with great hope comes great disappointment. And that’s why people don’t dream and stop themselves from achieving so many things. Fear of failure and disappointment jus paralyses so many of us.
So I started thinking that I still love this man and I want to be with him. I want him to come back to me and say he’s sorry for all he’s put me through and that he wants me to take him back. And the more I said these things, the more I imagined the reality actually turning into that, the more I started to really, actually think about this imagined reality.
My first gut instinct was that I would need a lot of time to think about it. That he trust he has broken is going to be hard to repair. And then I thought that he would need to find ways to prove to me that he is worth my trust this time. And then I thought that he probably wouldn’t even know what that means. He is not a man of romantic gestures, he is not a man of big things.
And then I started to think about the things that I would need to set straight with him before ven considering to get back together. Like a dysfunctional friendship that he has with a girl, who is in love with him for probably a decade, denying herself the emotional openness to connect to another man and either both of the of just him being unaware of this. That he needs to stop being selfish and let her get over him in order for her to actually be able to find someone. Then I thought he wouldn’t even believe or understand any of this.
Next, the man is just simply unaware of his feelings, his life, his own being. He would need to do something or search for ways to improve this awareness, because I could never trust him again if he stays at the same level of awareness. I don’t think he would be capable of doing anything about it.
Linked to it, but perhaps more tangible would be communication. He cannot communicate about his feelings, fears, emotional problems, mostly cause he is unaware of them, but even if he is aware of them, he just doesn’t communicate. So this is something that can dealt with in some sort of therapy, perhaps the easiest of the 3 mentioned above. But still, knowing him, this would be just impossible to even talk about. Ironically….
After all of these, I realised that this imagined getting back together is the best thing that has happened to my pain. This was all ran through in my head, in a rational and objective manner and I realised that, actually, probably, I cannot get back with this man even if he wanted to. As I would be wanting to be a relationship with someone else. Someone who is able to at least attempt to deal with their problems. Someone he simply is not.
So, all of a sudden, my fear of losing this ideal scenario has become bearable. Because instead of clinging onto this so much, and hurting that it’s not happening, I am realising that it cannot happen anyway. I would be getting back to a figment of my imagination, not the actual guy. The actual man, as good as he is, might be slightly far away from what I need to re-build a broken relationship with.
