Narcissism and Narcissists are everywhere. Most of us will work with one, date one or marry one…or more than one in our lifetimes. In Techniques for Coping with Narcissists (Pt 1) I detailed some techniques for coping, surviving and even thriving with narcissists. Here are some more.

Never Accept Favors

Don’t do it! Be rabidly independent.

If you accept any kind of favors from them, here’s what happens:

• Trauma Bonding begins. “Yeah, they’re abusive…but look at all the good things they’ve done for me too!”
• Stockholm Syndrome begins. “Yeah, I’m stuck at home with no friends…but they took me to a concert last month!”
• They now have “you owe me one” ammo they’ll use against you forever because you’re “beholden” to them…which is bullshit, of course.
• It gives them the power to say “no”…to control you.

Declare, Don’t Ask

I learned this one after I married a nice, normal guy. I don’t have to “ask permission” for doing things. Freedom means not having to ask anyone’s permission after you’re grown-up. You wanna do something!? Just do it.

Now narcissists would have you believe you need to ask their permission to go somewhere, use the car, spend money. That’s bullshit!

Tell them what you’re going to do. Don’t ask. Asking gives ’em power. Asking implies weakness on your part. Don’t give ’em power.

Play to their Selfishness

Let’s say you want to do something you just know they won’t like. So, present it in a way they can’t resist. Make it all about them. Show how doing XY will actually do them a favor. They’re inherently selfish, so play to their selfishness.

I learned this by inadvertently doing it. All during my twenties, as you probably already know, I was forbidden from moving out of my parents’ home for my own good, of course. Nothing changed as I turned the big 3-0. And I knew nothing would ever change whether I was 48 or 84. No husband…no freedom. Period.

As you might imagine, I was sinking into depression and even despair. But I was also getting in the way. “There just isn’t room for me here anymore,” I complained to Dad.

And that’s how I got out.

Later, I realized that presenting getting rid of me as a perk might’ve been why he actually said “yes”…before trying to renege later by saying I had to live in a duplex with them. (Oh Hell, no!) Or maybe my advancing years started to mean something.

All I know is…it worked!

Greyrocking

Do you remember the scene in The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe when the White Witch cast a spell over herself and her dwarf so they appeared to be merely a boulder and a stump, melding into the landscape. This is how C.S. Lewis described it:

It was perfectly still and presently the moon grew bright; if you had been there you would have seen the moonlight shining on an old tree-stump and on a fairsized boulder. But if you had gone on looking you would gradually have begun to think there was something odd about both the stump and the boulder. And next you would have thought that the stump did look really remarkably like a little fat man crouching on the ground. And if you had watched long enough you would have seen the stump walk across to the boulder and the boulder sit up and begin talking to the stump; for in reality the stump and the boulder were simply the Witch and the dwarf. For it was part of her magic that she could make things look like what they aren’t, and she had the presence of mind to do so at the very moment when the knife was knocked out of her hand. She had kept hold of her wand, so it had been kept safe, too.

That’s kinda’ what greyrocking is all about. You cease to provide any “supply” for the narcissist. No drama. No contradictions. No hurt feelings. Nix, nada, nothing. In a way, you cease to exist. Faced with a famine of supply for their need for drama, they’ll either shape up or ship out.

Either way…you win.

Consider It All Joy

I have a hater. Well, I probably have many haters. But this particular one lives up in Canada and, to use a vulgar phrase I’m sure he’d object to, he hates my guts! He also thinks he owns PsychCentral or believes he knows what the rules for blogging for PsychCentral are…or should be in his not-so-humble-opinion.

Oh, he’s a person of the high morals I mentioned in Part 1. He’s appalled that a layperson such as myself is allowed to write about complex personality disorders such as narcissism. I don’t have a PhD…horrors! He’s outraged that I write from my own personal experiences and not some dry-as-dust textbook. And his high-minded ethics are offended that I would shamelessly stoop to illustrating my articles with my own artwork.

To rip off Shakespeare, me thinketh he protesteth too mucheth. Shucks! I must’ve hit a nerve…which means I’m doing a good job…which means I’m right where I should be. And all the nasty shit he writes about me…

I consider it all joy! And so should you!

In Conclusion

Consider it all joy when the narcissists attack. For attack they will when you begin practicing these survivor/thriver techniques.

The louder their screams, the louder the validation that you’re doing the right thing. As you grey-rock, they lose Narcissist Supply. So keep grey-rocking. As you refuse favors, they lose ammo. So keep refusing. Remember, the mandrakes always scream when you rip them out of their nice, warm, nasty mud!

I hope these techniques prove helpful. Please feel free to add more in the Comments section below.

Thanks for reading and take good care!

If you like what you read, you’ll love my woodburned artwork. Click here to see my art and order personalized gifts for friends, family…or yourself!

For more rants, ravings and reverse engineering of narcissism, please visit www.lenorathompsonwriter.com and don’t forget to subscribe for daily updates by email. 

This article is for informational and educational purposes only. Under no circumstances should it be considered therapy nor replace therapy and treatment. If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). It is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and is staffed by certified crisis response professionals. The content of these blogs and all blogs written by Lenora Thompson are merely her opinion. If you are in need of help, please contact qualified mental health professionals.