Dads, and moms to be honest, this one has come up ALL too often in talking to my other divorced friends over the years.  Too many times, ONE person takes being a parent seriously, and the other one expects the children to just adapt to whatever whim has struck their life.  The bad parent’s actions, bewilderingly, seem to indicate either that they have totally decided to abdicate their parenting responsibilities, or they make decisions that OBVIOUSLY harm the kids, but they don’t seem to care.

It used to be this was the father that acted like this, but today, it seems that this trend ignores traditional gender lines.  Too many times, after a divorce (And it may have also been a CAUSE of the divorce!), one parent starts doing things that show they no longer consider their kids to be the most important thing in their life.  The odds are, they never really DID consider the kids to be the most important, but they were able to give that impression for awhile.

Time and again, my divorced friends, both male AND female, and I will relate to each other the latest misadventures of our exes, and we wonder”  “What the &%$@ are they THINKING?”  Their actions seem to fly in the face of common sense, and go against the best interests of their children, and it leaves us completely dumbfounded.

Now, I had previously talked, in my blog “All you can do is all you can do” about some things you can do to help your kids in this situation.  Today, I am going to talk about how to help your kids in two specific areas.  They may not seem like much, but they are two ways to make sure your kids are getting things worked through, and two ways to make sure your kids know you love them.

It is SO IMPORTANT to help your kids work through ALL of their anger, aggression, pain and hurt.  Its something you CAN’T ignore, and you can’t hope it will go AWAY.  It won’t.  You either HELP them with it, or it will fester and twist them.  With that in mind, here are my two recommendations:

The first thing is simple:  Get them engaged in physical activities.  Now, I don’t mean to OVERDO it, but a consistent PHYSICAL outlet is a good way to get aggression out.  Personally, I can not recommend Martial Arts ENOUGH to people.  There are some excellent reasons for this, and some things you need to check out when going down this route.

The reasons are these:

• Martial Arts give confidence. As they progress, they learn how to use their body and mind together.  They learn how to think things through, and they learn control.  A GOOD Dojo teaches a specific philosophy, and I will deal with that further down.
• Especially if they are a GIRL, it helps protect them: Look, one in three women are abused, as I mentioned before, and you DON’T want your daughter to be one of those three.  This is more than she could beat someone up.  If you study the psychology of abusers, there is a type of person they target.  One who is vulnerable, unsure, and who carries themselves a certain way.  When someone is actively in martial arts, the odds are the “vibe” they give off is one that would scare an abuser away.  They AREN’T insecure, their body language is CONFIDENT, and this is projected.  Even when it comes to street crime, criminals target a certain type of person…and its NOT a person with physical and mental confidence. It also could help them with the PHYSICAL aspect of dealing with bullys and the bullying they face in school.
• It helps them with any OTHER sports they wish to do: Look, Martial Arts teaches you how to use your body.  it teaches you to learn how your muscles work together, and it teaches you how to get the most out of your efforts.  This easily helps them with ANY sport, be it football, volleyball, basketball, gymnastics, etc.
• Physical confidence can translate to mental confidence: As they begin down the path of martial arts, and their accomplishments grow over time, that physical achievement, coupled with the MENTAL aspect of martial arts, becomes confidence in themselves MENTALLY as well.  Mental confidence is the one thing you NEED to rebuild in your children after a divorce.
• It burns off aggression: Now, it does depend on the SPECIFIC martial art you do.  But who DOESN’T feel better after breaking a board, or landing a solid kick, and working up an honest to God sweat.  It gets the endorphines going, and lets some of the aggression and anger your kids feel be channeled in a POSITIVE way.
• Its something you can do TOGETHER: You know what…maybe you need to lose a few pounds?  You certainly have your own aggression and anger after the divorce.  Sign BOTH of you up and its something you can SHARE and GROW in together.  It is another area you can SHARE and be closer.

Now, there are some things you need to look for in a Martial Arts School, or Dojo.  I am NOT recommending a particular DISCIPLINE here, although I DO think Judo is a good STARTING point.  Most people who do martial arts end up competing in a few different disciplines, be it Kempo, or Tae Kwan Do, or Aikido, coupled with Jeet Kune Do, or Judo, etc.  Every discipline has its strengths, and every discipline offers its challenges.

So with this in mind, look for the following:

• A Martial Arts School that offers SEVERAL disciplines. That way its conveniently in one place.  Many Dojos offer a flat monthly fee no matter how many of the disciplines you do there.  So whether you take one discipline or three, you pay the same amount, and you can work your schedules around that.
• A Dojo that teaches fighting should ALWAYS be a LAST resort. You don’t want your child going out and picking fights with their new found skills.  The GOOD dojos teach that martial arts is a MENTAL discipline FIRST, and that avoiding a fight is ALWAYS the preferable route.  Talk to the people in charge and make sure they teach this philosophy.  The POINT of martial arts is to master YOURSELF, not other people, and THIS is the mindset both you and your kids need to learn at this point anyway.  This goes back to helping build confidence as well.
• A Dojo that seems like a community center: You can get the vibe of a place when you watch the classes.  If it seems the parents talk, the kids are friends, and the atmosphere of the place is friendly, its a good place to be.  This doesn’t mean that the times of the classes themselves aren’t disciplined.  But humor, closeness, and a sense of “this place is a good place to be” can help your kids make friends with the type of kids you WANT them to be friends with.  And you can make some new friends yourself.

Now, this doesn’t mean not to let your kids get into OTHER sports as well.  The thing here is that the RIGHT dojo can help your kids right in the area they need it most.  They can still play football, or baseball, or basketball…but no other physical activity is going to teach them the mental and physical discipline COMBINED that they need at this stage of their lives.  This doesn’t mean you are trying to find Mister Miyagi, or some deep mystical experience.  It is simply that THIS activity can help where no other one can.

The second thing to do  is to give your kids a MENTAL outlet.

Look, this doesn’t mean you think your child is the next Einstein, but something that engages the BRAIN on a regular basis is going to help them too.  This could be band, debate, 4H, community service, SOMETHING that requires them to use their brain on a regular basis while interacting with others.  I will not PERSONALLY recommend Boy Scouts, due to their stance on gays and atheists, but that’s my PERSONAL opinion.   But, the brain works on the same principles as muscles:  The more you exercise it, the stronger it gets.

The more your children use their brains, the more they will learn to handle their emotions, and the questions they have about life.  They will learn to observe…and there is the thing:  They will learn to observe how both you and your ex act around them, and they will come to understand right ways and wrong ways of doing things.

And again, make the time to take them YOURSELF, and this gives you more time with them.  If you pick the scouts, or 4H, become one of the adults who helps…again, it gives you more time with the kids.

So, its pretty simple, to counter your ex, engage your kids, body and mind, and be INVOLVED with those things as much as you are able.  Your kids, again, will learn over time which parent truly loved them, they will want to emulate YOUR morals and ideals, and they will grow up as well adjusted as is possible in this situation.

Yes, this can be hard in this day and age, but do as much as you can, talk with your kids about these activities, and stick to it.  Be the proactive parent and let the other parent slack off on their duties…time will show where the love was, and who cared….in the END, that is what will stick with your children.

Allons-y!