When my Brother died, I bought a very expensive graphics card for my computer.  In fact I'm still using it right now to type this.  I installed it into my computer, along with a new motherboard bundle, and then I installed Far Cry 3.  The game is set on an island where your friends have been kidnapped by an African gang and you have to go through an adventure of growth and development before you can rescue them.  The world of the island was so realistic that, in my memory, it was a real place.  I escaped from the real world and went to this island because I was free there.

Five years have now passed since my brother took his own life.  Its taken me five years to make peace with it.  A few weeks ago I went to his Grave and cleaned it.  I removed all the leaves and moss and left it in the best condition I could.  Cleaning his grave didn't help him.  He's not really there.  Cleaning his grave really didn't make any real world difference because there will come a time when we're all gone and nobody will clean the grave.  Cleaning his grave was a symbolic gesture of peace.  I forgive him, myself and my family for what happened.  I am no longer Angry about it.

I was angry that events conspired to leave me there that day.  I was angry at having seen him in the immediate aftermath of the event.  His end was violent and I was damaged by seeing him in that state, surrounded by strangers in a room that stank of death.  I was angry at being asked by the coroner if they could take samples of his organs.  I was angry about having to buy new clothes to bury him in.  I was enraged at his body coming home with the knowledge that they'd cut him open and crudely stitched him back together again.  I was angry that he was dead and that he'd done it to himself.  I was furious that he'd ruined everything forever.

I started my business back then and moved house.  I started on a conquest to take over the world.  A lot of my early efforts were fueled by this anger.  I think starting the business was an effort to be in control, because I hadn't been with anything in the past.  I knew my brother was struggling, and there were warning signs, but I had decided that I could do nothing and that it was for others to sort out.  Running the business was sort of compensation for that.  In many ways, its a surprise it lasted as long as it did.  Now the anger has gone and my desire has gone with it.  Now I want a normal life again.