2013-07-25 11:53
My uncle was one of those accountant types who manage to achieve an aura of officialdom beyond their station so that, on meeting him for the first time, you might have wondered if he was the… Read More
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2013-07-24 11:02
My father was obsessed with order and everything being in its right place, which it rarely was if he hadn't put it there himself. The first thing he did on entering a hotel room was to rearr… Read More
2013-03-19 17:22
It was not the fault of the Pumpkin Café that my train arrived at Haywards Heath more than half an hour late; this was due to the unfortunate combination of malevolent weather conditi… Read More
2013-02-01 12:18
Turn up wearing one of Princess Diana's dresses, and you get a free pint Read More
2013-01-30 16:08
2012-09-04 11:21
2012-08-10 09:58
Finger Lickin' God – The magazine for Catholic priests in America's southern states.You Cannot Be Syrias – Former tennis champion John McEnroe analyses the socio-political situat… Read More
2012-06-14 14:57
2012-05-15 15:42
Every day, the sandwich vendor asks me how I am. I am usually fine.Today, I was feeling unwell."How are you today, are you well?" asked the sandwich vendor."No.""What would you like today, c… Read More
2012-05-03 10:01
I recently found asking for nuts in a supermarket a remarkably difficult affair.Having wandered aimlessly up and down the aisles of the Sainsbury's Local with no lightly salted pistachios to… Read More
2012-04-05 12:49
Last night the boy was consuming cheese on toast prepared by his mother, who had discreetly inserted leaves of spinach.It was not long, however, before he noticed the addition."I don't like… Read More
2012-02-02 12:08
Hester is feeling like she has consumed copious amounts of LSD this morning due to her brother insisting on playing his keyboard right next to her head when I was feeding her, he was alterna… Read More
2011-10-21 15:32
Today, a 'community support' officer approached me and said, "Your beard is looking longer than the last time I saw you."The final six words made me realise I had met this man before.Indeed… Read More
2011-09-21 16:03
15 April 2010Icelandic volcanic ash alert grounds UK flightsOne passenger at Glasgow told the BBC: "I'm meant to be going to Lanzarote. We've travelled from Oban, leaving at 3am. Now we've d… Read More
2011-09-14 11:05
I know you have been having sleepless nights worrying about the malfunctioning petrol gauge in our Volvo V40 1.8 (2003 model), so I am pleased to be able to give you a comprehensive update o… Read More
2011-09-02 11:06
I entered the alley that leads to the platform to discover a bevvy of businessmen stomping towards me. Something was wrong; they were stomping in the wrong direction.
"Is there something wro… Read More
2011-05-04 09:25
"Look Kingsley, a kite. What is it?""A cunt." Read More
2011-05-03 19:08
Dear Mr Young,Thank you for your e-mail of 26th April 2011 passing on Mr Titchener’s comments regarding two new bus stop signs that have been erected with the incorrect spelling of the… Read More
2011-04-19 14:58
Part FouriLiving with the boy's au pair had its difficult moments. Her English was less than good, so everything had to be either repeated very loudly and slowly or be translated into French… Read More
2011-04-19 14:54
Part ThreeiThree things happened that made me think I was not very good with small children, aka cacophonous plop shops, or, as they are known colloquially in France, les boutiques plop bruy… Read More
2011-04-19 14:44
Part TwoiA new nightmare, or, to be more precise, daymare. I get off my train, usually the one that brings me home from London in the evening, and make my way along the platform; the doors h… Read More
2011-04-19 14:23
The car carrying us to the hospital did not swerve desperately between the other traffic on the road. The car was not driven by a stunt man, and the traffic was not spaced conveniently to le… Read More
2010-11-03 20:48
Still struggling to find a thread on Mumsnet that will help me with 'a bit of a cough':3yo old willy hygeneTiny flecks of blood in baby sickRegurgitationTalk to me about poo...Molluscumhand… Read More
2010-11-02 14:35
I went to Mumsnet because the boy has a bit of a cough. However, I couldn't find a thread entitled "a bit of a cough" as everyone else seems to be dealing with more serious issues:i am panic… Read More
2010-10-20 15:59
Adding the letter n to the key word in news reports makes the government's austerity measures easier to swallow.From The Guardian (sort of):Spending review 2010: George Osborne announces ext… Read More
2010-07-14 13:32
Sales gimp 1: "Do animals have souls?"Sales gimp 2: "What was that – do animals have arseholes?"Sales gimpess 1: "Horses have souls, don't they."Sales gimp 2: "Arseholes."Sales gimpess… Read More
2010-04-26 20:23
The serving woman behind the counter remarked as I entered the café, 'Your beard, it is long now, yes?''Yes,' I replied. I then could not think how to continue this conversation, so I… Read More
2010-04-22 16:21
This afternoon I was sent the following email:HelloMy name is juliet, young looking girl, am so much happy to contact youtoday for acquittance, l will also like to know you,and i havesometi… Read More
2010-04-22 08:25
You sit down in a public place with your small child An old person sees the baby and leans forward, all the better that you might hear his pointless advice on the subject of childrearing En… Read More
2010-03-12 17:07
I called Samsung today to find out why I had yet to hear from their refrigeration engineer, who was meant to have contacted me more than a week ago.They told me they had logged my original c… Read More
2010-02-24 16:59
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