Mindfulness can be a useful anger management tool, for adults but also for children.

Nearly all parents will be able to identify with this situation:

You’re out food shopping, when one of the kids has a complete meltdown in the middle of an aisle; crying and raging because things don’t go their way.

While this is a phase many children grow out of, others seem to find anger management more of a problem.

But, how can you help your child deal with their anger?

Let me explain how mindfulness helped my son in just a few months.

My family fondly refer to my youngest son as “The Noise Machine”.  The main reason for this nickname is that he is very vocal when things don’t go his way!

Over the years, I have tried all sorts of different techniques to help him cope with his anger and difficult feelings – from sticker charts to time-outs. Nothing worked.

That was until it occurred to me to try to teach him about mindfulness.

Now it may sound crazy trying to teach a child about mindfulness because many adults struggle with it. But I found that by using language that my son could relate to, mindfulness was something he could understand.

I gave the mindfulness technique I taught my son to deal with his anger this name:  The Angry Monster Method.

The Angry Monster Method

By giving it a name, it helped my son remember it and became a verbal shorthand between us.

Let me explain the process:

Step 1. Introducing The Angry Monster

All children love stories, so this is what I started telling him:

Inside each and every one of us lives an Angry Monster.

Most of the time this Angry Monster is tiny and likes to sleep, so he doesn’t bother you.

However, from time to time this Angry Monster gets hungry and needs to be fed.

When the Angry Monster wakes up, you can feel him inside of you rising up and looking around.

Once the Angry Monster is awake, he goes searching for thoughts to feed on.

But, the Angry Monster only likes to eat negative thoughts such as:
“That’s so unfair”,
“It’s his fault”,
“I want that now”,
“Leave me alone”,
“I don’t want to do that”.

The more negative thoughts you give the Angry Monster to feed on, the bigger he grows, until he takes over your whole body.

When you feel the Angry Monster awake inside you snarling and raging, it can make you start to shout and cry. Sometimes you can feel the Angry Monster wanting to explode out of you, and this is when you lose your temper or have a tantrum.

The Angry Monster grows and grows until he is full up, or there is no more food around.

At that point, he goes back to sleep and slowly shrinks back down to his original small size.

Once this happens, you begin to feel like yourself again and start to relax.

Until the next time …”

Obviously, you can adapt the story to suit your child but this gives you the general idea.

Having done this, it’s time for the next step.

Step 2.  Your Angry Monster

Most children aren’t very self-aware, and so before talking to them about THEIR Angry Monster it is best to refer to YOUR Angry Monster.

You do this as follows:

The next time you are cross with your child, acknowledge your Angry Monster and talk to your child about it.

For example:

I am sorry for being cross with you just now; it is because my Angry Monster woke up.
Don’t worry. It is OK now because he has gone back to sleep, and I am feeling much better.
I think my Angry Monster woke up because [fill in the blank]
When my Angry Monster takes over, I feel hot and red inside and want to shout.
I don’t like my behaviour when my Angry Monster takes over.
The Angry Monster must be full now because it has gone back to sleep again.

This sets the scene for the third step:

Step 3. Your Child’s Angry Monster

When your child has a tantrum, wait for it to pass.

There is no point talking to them when they are angry because they won’t take on board what you are saying.

When they are calm, talk to them quietly one on one.

For example:

Are you feeling better now? I think your Angry Monster took over your body for a bit.

Pause and wait to see what their reaction is.

You can then start a discussion about your child’s Angry Monster.

A good way to get your child to open up is to ask them questions like:

What do you think woke your Angry Monster?

My child’s Angry Monster used to be woken up by one of his brothers on a regular basis.

We discussed how his brother made my son feel and what his brother said or did to wake up his Angry Monster.

We also chatted about what it felt like when his Angry Monster was awake.

Finally, the part you have been waiting for:

Step 4. Putting the Angry Monster back to sleep

The final stage in the Angry Monster Method is talking with your child about how to put the Angry Monster back to sleep.

Ask your child:

What could you have done to make your Angry Monster go back to sleep?

At this point, you may need to remind them that they need to move their attention away from their negative (or “bad”) feelings.

Children aren’t always able to verbalise their feelings, but they usually understand that by focusing on unpleasant feelings they are feeding their Angry Monster.

Talk with your child about how they can shift their attention away from their negative feelings.

A couple of suggestions you may use are:
a) Go to their room until the Angry Monster goes back to sleep or
b) Count ten breaths in and ten breaths out until they feel calmer.

Remember:

It is worth emphasizing to your child that it is OK to feel angry.

Everyone feels angry at times. It is how they react to that feeling that makes a difference.

With the Angry Monster Method, the aim isn’t to try to get them to bottle up their feelings, but rather to accept them and make them aware that they can choose to react differently.

The Angry Monster is effective because it not only helps children visualise their feelings but also gives them a way to deal with them.

Now you try it!

This method will need to be repeated a few times before it will sink in, but it sows a seed.

In my child’s case, there was a delay of only a couple of months before his behaviour changed.

However, suddenly it was as if someone had flicked a switch in his head.

The Angry Monster Method has given him words to describe his emotions and he feels confident because he knows how he can deal with them.

When I spoke to my son about his Angry Monster recently, he said the monster is usually small most of the time now because he knows what to do.  Obviously, my child is not a saint and still has the odd tantrum but don’t we all?!

The Angry Monster Method of anger management worked for my son, and I hope you and your child find it helpful too.

If you do try it out please come back and leave a comment to let me know how you get on

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