For many of us, Thanksgiving can be a day of a little too much family togetherness. Take a breather and hide in the bathroom for a while — this list of 100-plus funny Thanksgiving quotes will lighten up your mood faster than you can say Butterball.
- “Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” – Johnny Carson
- “If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s Turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” – Mitch Hedberg
- “I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” – Craig Ferguson
- “Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.” – Erma Bombeck
- “Thanksgiving – when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook.” – Melanie White
- “Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” – Kenny Rogerson
- “Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.” – Dave Barry
- “I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” – Jon Stewart
- “Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape … to play Santa Claus.” – Melanie White
- “Store security stopped my wife at the door for trying to steal a butterball turkey. I had to show ID proving I’m not a butterball turkey.” – Just Bill
- “A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” – Jimmy Fallon
- “You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, ‘Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.'” – Dylan Brody
- “I don’t eat pumpkin pie. It’s made from the guts of jack-o-lanterns, and that’s just spooky.” – Melanie White
- “If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.’ ” – Mitch Hedberg
- “Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” – Ambrose Bierce
NBC - “I have strong doubts that the first Thanksgiving even remotely resembled the ‘history’ I was told in second grade. But considering that (when it comes to holidays) mainstream America’s traditions tend to be overeating, shopping, or getting drunk, I suppose it’s a miracle that the concept of giving thanks even surfaces at all.” – Ellen Orleans
- “A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” – Kin Hubbard
- “It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful ‘in general.’ It’s very strange. It’s a little like being married in general.” – Cornelius Plantinga Jr.
- “I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” – Howie Mandel
- “OMG, I gave thanks for everything yesterday, but it was the WRONG DAY.” – Steve Martin
- “What do you call a short video from Thanksgiving that keeps repeating? ThanksGIFing.” – Ellen DeGeneres
- “My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” – Phyllis Diller
- “Stove Top Dressing: satisfying your craving for a big bowl full of wet onions and mush since 1957!” – Mike Vanatta
- “If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, ‘Boy, these are good cigars!'” – Jack Handey
- “For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” – Andy Borowitz
Related: 30+ Side-Splitting Thanksgiving Jokes You’ll Gobble Up More Than Turkey
- “Thanksgiving is when the Indians said, ‘Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England.'” – Jay Leno
- “Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” – John Lyon
- “My Thanksgiving wish is that every time someone says they ate so much they’re going to explode, they actually do.” – Guy Endore-Kaiser
- “Fun Prank: Once people are finished, tell them your signature Thanksgiving Bloody Mary gets most of its’ flavor from raw turkey gizzards.” – Martin Munson
- “*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles” – Grant Tanaka - “I love Thanksgiving! When else can you eat too much and watch football? Except for like every weekend.” – Ellen DeGeneres
- “Thanksgiving recipe for Rick:
Preheat man cave to 72 degrees
Set TV to football
Stuff with turkey
Let rest for 10-12 hours.” – Rick Aaron - “Would love to have just one Thanksgiving without getting into an argument during dinner that leads to me being ejected from Denny’s.” – Bridger Winegar
- “Note to self: when they ask you what you’re thankful for, don’t just list off your prescriptions.” – Emily Lime
- “Time flies, even if turkeys don’t.” — Barack Obama
- “Every Thanksgiving I bring the champagne, because in my family we all know what our strengths are.” – Gloria Fallon
- “If your in-laws are coming for Thanksgiving now is a good time to start brining the turkey in your tears.” – Rick Aaron
- “Just got a Happy Thanksgiving e-mail from my gastroenterologist.” – Damien Fahey
- “The sweet nostalgia of Thanksgiving when we all admire Nana’s prized soup tureen, which she brought with her when she emigrated from Sears.” – Annie Hatfield
- “I love spending Thanksgiving surrounded by all these great friends I met in the Best Buy parking lot.” – John Lyon
- “I’m thankful for each and every one of you. Now stop hiding in the broom closet reading tweets and get back with your family.” – Ellen DeGeneres
- “I’m sorry I embarrassed you in front of your family, but I bet the Indians would have been thrilled to receive a jumbo pack of toilet paper.” – Guy Endore-Kaiser
- “The doctor told me I can’t drive a forklift on the medication he prescribed. And like that, my Thanksgiving is completely ruined.” – Bridger Winegar
- “What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” – Erma Bombeck
- “Thanksgiving journal, Day 3: Have come to regard eating pie 3-5 times a day as normal. Wearing a bed sheet as a toga because nothing fits.” – John Lyon
- “Fun game: Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon ‘How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?'” – Marlebean
NBC - “*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*” – Annie Hatfield
- “Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.” – Rita Rudner
- “Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” – Stephen Colbert
- “Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” – Kevin James
- “For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” – Andy Borowitz
- “Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” – P. J. O’Rourke
- “I love Thanksgiving turkey. It’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.” – Arnold Schwarzenegger
- “The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'” – Jim Gaffigan
- “An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” – Irv Kupcinet
- “You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” – Jay Leno
- “When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!” — David Letterman
- “The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, ‘I don’t need a pardon. I need a job.'” — Conan O’Brien
- “Here I am 5 o’clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt…” — Roseanne Barr
- “My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.” – Rita Rudner
- “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire
- “The pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts… nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.” – H. W. Westermayer
- “It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.” – Russell Baker
- “Coexistence… what the farmer does with the turkey – until Thanksgiving.” – Mike Connolly
- “There are four unbroken rules when it comes to Thanksgiving: there must be turkey and dressing, cranberries, mashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie.” – John Hadamuscin
- “After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.” – Oscar Wilde
- “I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” ― Erma Bombeck
- “Ever since you’re little you hear this: ‘The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.’ But even when you’re little you’re like, ‘Umm.. Bullsh*t?'” – Greg Proops
- “Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.” – Nicole Hollander
- “On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.” – William Jennings Bryan
- “I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.” – Todd Barry
- “This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” — Andre Kelley
- “Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.” – Melanie White
- “Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, ‘How long has Mom been drinking like this?’ My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.'” – David Letterman
- “Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” – Ambrose Bierce
- “May your stuffing be tasty May your turkey plump, May your potatoes and gravy Have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious And your pies take the prize, And may your Thanksgiving dinner Stay off your thighs!” – Grandpa Jones
- “Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” – Jim Davis
- “Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” – Richard Roeper
- “People always think of Chinese food as the go-to ethnic food when everything else is closed during the holidays, but Indian is a nice alternative. Plus – Indians? Thanksgiving? Kinda makes sense.” – Erin Gibson
- “I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.” – Kumail Nanjiani
- “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” – William Arthur Ward
- “Turkey lurkey doo, and Turkey lurkey dap. I eat that turkey, then I take a nap.” — Adam Sandler
- “Tomorrow, I guarantee you we will be standing on the Olympic platform, receiving our gold medals for eating.” — Lorelai Gilmore
- “The meal is not over when I’m full. The meal is over when I hate myself.” — Louis C.K.
- “Thanksgiving is stupid… you eat and you watch football. Let’s all take the day off work.” — Jim Jefferies
- “Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour.” – Augusten Burroughs
- “Everybody bring a dish … folks, that means bring it made. Otherwise, you’re freaking everybody out.” — Todd Glass
- “Who knew the pilgrims liked football so much? Love the pilgrims!” — John Caponera
- “It is now common knowledge that the average American gains 7 pounds between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day.” – Marilu Henner
- “My mom makes something called green pie, which I thought was a delicacy that many people only had at Thanksgiving, but it turns out it was just Jello with whipped cream on it. And it’s delicious.” – Bobby Moynihan
- “On the morning of Thanksgiving, I would wake up to the home smelling of all good things, wafting upstairs to my room. I would set the table with the fancy silverware and china and hope that my parents and grandmother wouldn’t have the annual Thanksgiving fight about Richard Nixon.” – Debi Mazar
- “When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn’t be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.” – Lewis Black
- “It has been an unchallengeable American doctrine that cranberry sauce, a pink goo with overtones of sugared tomatoes, is a delectable necessity of the Thanksgiving board and that turkey is uneatable without it.” – Alistair Cooke
- “Thanksgiving comes to us out of the prehistoric dimness, universal to all ages and all faiths. At whatever straws we must grasp, there is always a time for gratitude and new beginnings.” – J. Robert Moskin
- “Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.” – Tom Swyers
- “It’s like being at the kids’ table at Thanksgiving – you can put your elbows on it, you don’t have to talk politics… no matter how old I get, there’s always a part of me that’s sitting there.” – John Hughes
- “You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.” – De Nada Donna
- “Thanksgiving is America’s favorite holiday because it’s a time when we put aside our cares, much as the struggling Pilgrims did nearly four centuries ago, and eat a gut-busting meal without worrying about the ‘out years.’” – David Ignatius
- “I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” – Robert Brault
- “Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” – Michael Dresser
- “It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” – Phyllis Diller
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