Most people think I have it all together.
I don’t.
I have my good days, and then, I have my bad days.

Three days ago, I was confident, was full of love, light and groove. I was singing and dancing. Smiling and feeling good about myself. That was a good day.

And then, the day after and today, I fell apart.
I had multiple flashbacks. Nightmares.
Including a new memory that resurfaced.

*TRIGGER WARNING*
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I get Triggered easily when I watch a movie or a TV show with rape, child abuse, domestic violence scenes. I normally curl up and start to hyperventilate, and cry.

In order to get me back to being present, I have to do the grounding techniques including telling myself that I’m in a safe place, nothing and no one can hurt me.

Sometimes, when something happens and I’m triggered, I become someone else.
I become someone who is Difficult to be with.
I become someone who break things / relationships.

Then, I let myself be with it.
I cry.
I write.
I reflect.

And then, deal with the outcome.
Usually this involves apologising to those I hurt in the process.
And sometimes, this can be too late.
This can be something that people around me no longer want to be part of.

And that’s okay.
Because it’s my shit.
I create the drama.
You know, the whole self-fulfilling prophecy shit.
It’s all on me.
I take responsibility for that.
And it isn’t my gig if others don’t take responsibility in what they do along the way.

I admit I’m difficult to be with.
My father is a difficult person to be with.
Holyfuck, he’s very difficult to be with.
And here I am, being him.
And it sucks balls.

However, I know I’m doing the work.
The work that is needed for me NOT to become my parents.
I have to keep going.
I need to remind myself that I’ve come this far, and NOTHING can hold me back.
Not even the ghost of my mum.

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There are days where I FEEL as if I’ve gotten over the specifics of my traumatic events.

I FEEL as if I’ve forgiven the abusers. As if it’s no longer about the terrors, but the effects those unimaginable, painful events have left on my personality and how I manage (or fail to) relationships (not necessarily romantic / intimate / dating kinda relationship, but any ongoing series of interactions).

And every time I feel this way, I search online for resources and yet, they disappoint me all the time because they’re either too general or too pretty.

Or they aren’t very helpful in unlearning maladaptive coping mechanisms.
Or in learning good ways to handle or manage relationships.

That is when I feel the urge to start documenting my attempts at being better with CPTSD.
And by this, I mean, possibly talking to a camera.

Publish it as a public record (just like my blog) as part of recovery and also, perhaps as a resource for those who are living with the same disorder and trying to be better at functioning.

My brand cards are RAW, PLAYFUL and NOT ORDINARY.
RAW – that’s probably what my videos will be.
It’s not going to be pretty, it’ll probably be me crying my eyeballs out most of the time.
Because living with CPTSD, anxiety, depression and the likes isn’t pretty.
There’s no need to disguise them.
And that is what I don’t see enough of online.

Will I actually do it?
I don’t know.
I might.
It’s definitely on my mind.
A lot.