Goiters -

Report prepared by Herbie McKracker. Herbie is in the 6th grade.

It has been suggested in a recent study made by...um, their name escapes me. Doesn't matter. What is notable is that the study is very important because it is a study and studies are made by very smart people who study. Studies are just as good as examinations and what they learned was that drinking blood actually lowers cholesterol.

"We think," Pete from the lab said.

He continued, "We're pretty sure it does. Maxine cut her finger the other day and she sucked the dickens out of it. I was observing the episode and decided to order she take a blood test."

Maxine - who also works in the lab - recounted her horrific ordeal. "At first, I was like, shit, I just cut my finger. And then I was like, darn, I'm bleeding. After that it was like, erm, may as well suck it since I couldn't find a band-aid. Then, Pete wanted me go do a blood test. I was confused. Why does he want me to do a test? Can I get gonorrhea by cutting my finger on an envelope? But then Pete told me it was because he knew I had high cholesterol and I was like, oh yeah. Ok. It's all in the interest of science."

As a writer who writes for Moon Zuppa, I wanted to cut through all the bullshit. Quotes are over rated. So what were the implications of these findings?

"We're not sure. Maxine's blood test came back negative which astounded us. It was like, holy moly! Can it be the blood? So now we ordered a bunch of mice and rats to use as guinea pigs."

I didn't get it. He wanted mice to become pigs?

"No, no. It's an expression so to speak. Using lab rats give us a lot of insight about the complexities of the human body. Not sure why, seeing they are rats, but you know what I mean."

I didn't, and neither did my mother, so we let it go.

In light of these remarkable findings what was the next step?

"First, we want to influence public policy about the importance of drinking blood. It has properties that may prove crucial to our survival as a species in the future. Cheerios - which is known to also lower cholesterol - should be eaten with 250ml of blood."

250ml?

"Totally arbitrary. But it doesn't mean it's wrong."

What about drinking other people's blood?

"Well, that is trickier. There is no proof Dracula had low cholesterol so at this time that would be irresponsible of us to advocate."

Of course it would.