Occasionally I feel the need to feel superior. It’s not a trait I’m proud of, but then we can’t all be perfect. Whenever I feel this need I simply look at a photograph of any politician and this gets me feeling superior in no time at all. Sometimes however I feel the urge to feel a lot superior in which case, if a photograph of John Prescott isn’t handy, I tune in to The Weakest Link on TV and compare myself to the average contestant, a person who would seem to have the intellect of my next door neighbour’s cat – and we’re talking here of a cat that hasn’t got the sense to know that if it keeps on shitting in my back garden I’m going to carry on booting it up the backside.

Anyway yesterday I felt the need to feel a lot superior – I had a photo of John Prescott handy but I just couldn’t bear looking at the self-satisfied prick again – so I started watching the Weakest Link. Two minutes later I was already feeling quite superior. For instance I knew, to the question ‘In alcoholic drinks what B is the term for a factory building intended for the manufacture of beer?’ that the answer was ‘Brewery’. And not ‘Beery’ as the contestant apparently thought it was. I also knew that ‘Lance’ was the boy’s name that was also the name of a mediaeval jousting weapon, and not ‘Rod’ as a blonde woman suggested it might be. And to the question ‘In Christianity what C is the general term for members of the Church of Rome?’ I knew that the answer was not ‘Congregation’, as offered by the hapless contestant, but ‘Catholic’. The Weakest Link? Judging by the people on it a more suitable name would be The Missing Link.

The contestant who failed to progress through a single round of questions that wouldn’t trouble a retarded two-year-old announced that although he’d gone out in the first round he’d had a lovely day and it had been fun. Fun? Demonstrating to the world that you’re as thick as two short planks?

I supposed it’s the being seen on the telly. The fifteen minutes of fame stuff. Except that in his case it was about three minutes of fame. Still he could always come back another five times.