My Olfactory Alarm Clock went off right on time. I awoke, at five am, to the smell of coffee brewing six feet away from my sleepy head. If you’re wondering what an olfactory alarm clock is, it’s exactly what it smells like: an alarm clock that wakes you up with various scents. Yes, they are real and yes, I am better than you.

I arose and showered. I had already set my clothes out the previous night; I knew it was going to be a cold day and that I was going to be outside for most of it, so I coordinated my attire to suit the anticipated environment. I like setting my clothes and stuff out ahead of time. I dunno, it makes me feel like a spy, or an action hero, gearing up before going out on a mission. Makes me feel like I got my shit together and I’m ready for whatever comes next (unless it’s the Blob. I got no idea how to fight blobs, is it with sodium or something?).

I hopped in my car. His name is BOB. Bob the car. I had accidentally left my windows down during a major thunderstorm two nights prior*. I was still dealing with the liquid aftermath the morning of my expected two-hour drive. The mixture of a cold and wet seat kept me alert for the entire trip out to the heart of “I ride a horse to school when the tractor is out of gas” county, Virginia. On this day, I was going to be in a commercial.

Now Josh, you’re thinking to yourself through the haze of the everyday monotony that has consumed your life, how the hell did you get involved in a commercial, what is it for and can I have your autograph?

To which I say, “please, hold all questions till the end of the presentation.”

The content of the commercial was not the usual fare. It was neither for a good, or a service. That kinda cuts out a lot of things. Which makes the guessing what it was for that much harder. I mean, when you picture me**, in a commercial, you figure it must be for some kind of “after” photo for 6-minute abs workout program. Or perhaps I’m offering elocution lessons. Maybe I’m finally doing that cook book everybody’s been dying for. Or, (if you’re nasty) I’m offering my talents as a world-class, lothario, gigolo and rapscallion.

Bu nay, says I! T’was a commercial of a Political Nature!

What’s this, you say? Josh, mired in the quagmire of Political intrigue, debauchery and behind-the scenes-wheeling-and-dealing and palm-greasing that is the American system of governing? How can this be? Although you live within the Beltway, you are not a creature of the political world! You don’t have a bureaucratic bone in your body! You’re not even registered to vote! What makes you qualified to be in a commercial that could change the political landscape and form the very basis of bill and lawmaking in this country for generations to come?

To which I say, “see footnote #2.”

What’s even more interesting is the nature of this ad. The ad has to do with the amount of assault weapons in the United States. Are there too many? Not enough? Are they being used properly, or improperly? Where can one buy such a weapon at two on a Saturday morning? (I’m totally asking for a friend.)

My involvement being featured in the commercial was also what makes it a little impetuous in its execution. See, I’m a vet. As in, a veteran of WAR!!!, not somebody who injects themselves with horse tranquilizers on a regular basis, (although I do that as well) while cutting off dog balls, (wait a minute, I do that too! I just don’t get paid for it. But that’s another story.) And therefore, as a vet, (and certified fucking American Hero, which will be on my tombstone) my appearance in a political ad about the second amendment could be deemed controversial or biased. While shooting (the commercial, not guns) that day, everybody from the camera people, to the director, to craft services, to the cute chick with the deep eyes, asked me if I felt comfortable if I were to become the face of the statement this ad was making. Did it fit into my personal views and philosophies?

To which I replied, “the paycheck fits into my bank account!”

The day of shooting was indeed long and cold and I had to repeat the same lines multiple times until those were the only words I was able to remember at the end of the day, and I had to read Hop on Pop to regain my vocabulary. I don’t know if this ad will ever see the light of day. I don’t know where it’ll be shown, or whose campaign it would be for, or even who the client is, (which can only mean one thing: the Free Masons have teamed up with the Illuminati and the Bronies to control us!). But all in all, it was fun, I’m not the worst in front of a camera. And I managed to stuff my pockets full of snacks from craft services.

What more can you ask for? I’ll see you at the unveiling of my star on the Walk of Fame.

*I save money on car washes, both inside and out, with the natural water-power of rain. I’m a genius.

**I’m Josh.