2020-10-30 17:37
It comes late at night. It comes first thing in the morning. It comes with the moon. It comes with the sun. We don't control what scares us. We don't control what soothes us. Trust me… Read More
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Eighty-four Glyde Blog
eighty-fourglyde.blogspot.com
It's a cold ,dark world out there. So pull up a seat, enjoy an adult libation and have a few laughs. If you don't, I'll kill your children.
...With a spatula.
2020-09-24 21:37
“Howdy everybody, this is Joe for Pizza Hut and boy do we have a deal for you. In these trying times we know it’s not easy for you to leave the house to get food and we want to m… Read More
2020-09-22 13:30
While the name Tor Johnson may not be well-known these days, once upon a time, it was impossible to live without being well aware of his exulted status. As a wrestler, actor and lover… Read More
2020-09-19 20:20
Well, it’s only been 8 million years, but I finally got a chance to watch Shark Week this past summer. I accidentally turned to it one day while skimming the channels for Hentai (… Read More
2020-09-15 18:34
Me: Hi. Umm, is this where I do the seminar to meditate and “activate my mental prowess” into having a larger wang? Instructor: Wang? We do not say “wang” my child. I… Read More
2020-04-14 14:57
I have a birdIt will not leaveIt is stupidI can relateIt’s eating somethingI’d like to know whatWhen I tap on the glass it looks the other wayStupid birdBut these times make for… Read More
2020-04-03 18:40
This is an article I wrote a little while back for a newspaper, that was never picked up. So I figured somebody should get to read it anyway!. Names have been changed to protect the ashy.I&r&hell…Read More
2020-04-02 17:51
Hey, you guys wanna hear a secret? I’m jumping on this hawt new craze called “social distancing”. It’s pretty new, so you probably haven’t heard about it yet. I… Read More
2020-04-01 16:54
Since time immemorial, children (and some adults) have entertained the many boring hours of their lives with toys. From tin cans to Back to The Future style hoverboards, (They’re out t… Read More
2020-03-31 18:08
What’s up fellow prisoners! Broceps here, lead trainer at Club Torquemada, and I’m pumped today to share an exciting workout that I have personally developed that you can do from… Read More
2020-03-30 19:27
DJ: Hey everybody and thank you for joining us at 96.9, The Throb. The “Crusty Love Nugget of You Dial” ™ I’m your host with the most this afternoon, DJ Restraining O… Read More
2020-03-29 18:57
He found it in the third box he dug through.Tsuris was in his parents’ attic, going through old boxes for things to add to the community yard sale. So far, he’d discovered some o… Read More
2020-03-27 17:12
(All facts are true and can be researched online)In 1952, Dr. Amstaed Grunsch, of the Czech Republic, was hired by the United States government, for a secret experiment called Project Locus… Read More
2020-02-07 13:59
“NEXT!”“Hello?”“Hello. Welcome to Nefericorps. What can I do for you today sir?”“Ummmm, yeah, hi. My name is The Distributor and I’m here to r… Read More
2020-01-31 14:38
Good evening and welcome to Where Are They Now? The show that brings you up-to-date information on the whereabouts of news-makers from the past. I’m your host, Dr. Gooch, here to bring… Read More
2020-01-27 19:37
We all remember growing up right? If not, you might have Mementodisease and you should seek medical attention. There were a lot of shared experiences we all had growing up: school, homework… Read More
2020-01-24 14:19
Recently, I learned that America is having a collective argument about some trifle. I was nonplussed! What rigmarole was this? America is and always has been a unified body. We’re just… Read More
2020-01-21 17:59
LostLost: One tabby cat, 200 lbs., brown hair, probably wearing blue jeans. Goes by the name Lung Butter. He’ll probably say that isn’t his name, but don’t listen, he&rsquo&hell…Read More
2020-01-20 18:57
(I wrote this out of anger in 2014 after the murder of Michael Brown and the riots in Ferguson. I didn't post it because it wasn't really funny and it was really just an exercise to get shit… Read More
2020-01-18 18:41
My olfactory alarm clock went off right on time. I awoke, at five am, to the smell of coffee brewing six feet away from my sleepy head. If you’re wondering what an olfactory alarm cloc… Read More
2019-12-31 14:50
Host: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Improve or Move!, I’m your host, Bob Villa. Today we’re here at 84 Glyde St., in Toledo, Ohio. This three-bedroom, two-bathroom ran… Read More
2019-12-29 14:36
My alarm went off at 5:30 am. It was still dark, but I wanted to make sure I was clearheaded and prepared for my first day of work at Biff Co. Of course, I needn't had worried, sleep wasn't… Read More
2019-12-28 14:46
You know what pissed me off about high school? No, not the fact that we had to get up at “O Dark Thirty” To get there in time for the first class at 7 am or some shit. And no, no… Read More
2019-12-09 14:01
Dr. Gooch: Good evening everybody. I want to welcome you all to tonight’s SA meeting. I see we have some new faces here. That’s always good. Spreading the word of what we are doi… Read More
2019-12-06 14:15
Josh: They were huge stars in their heyday. Stars of music, television and movies. But exactly where are they now? That’s tonight’s topic on “Nosh with Josh”, the sho… Read More
2019-12-02 13:39
Good evening and thank you for tuning into The Altruistic Nation Show here on channel 1998, WGYP, Your Donation Station, with the phrase that pays (us)! “We put the ‘ow!’ i… Read More
2019-11-29 14:32
Ms. Gemmae: Alright kids, hope you had a good lunch in the cafeteria. I hear that the lunch ladies were serving mashed chicken and broccoli jam sandwiches on pickled rye toast today. With a… Read More
2019-11-26 13:41
Dante is a fish. I hope the title didn’t ruin it for you. He’s a Betta, to be exact. To be more colloquial, he’s an ass-kicking Siamese Fighting Fish. I can only assume he… Read More
2019-11-22 13:57
(Sorry for there being more spelling errors than usual. This was a rush job this morning. Please to be grain-of-salting this thing I wrote in 30 mins.)As many of you, some of you, none of yo… Read More
2019-11-19 22:18
Mark made it into the kitchen before Travis, still screaming bloody murder. Their father was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in one hand, a pen in the other and the latest… Read More
2019-11-12 15:28
When Travis was 15, he grew a tail.It wasn’t a cool tail, like a monkey's. It wasn’t extra-furry or shaggy like a dog’s. It wasn’t short and stupid, like a pig’… Read More
2019-11-04 17:13
Dr. Brooks: Hello Mr. McFlaudius. I hope the day finds you well?Claudius: Yes sir. I just want to thank you for this opportunity to hopefully work for Raimi Co. I’ve always been a big… Read More
2019-11-02 20:11
Some people are fortunate/unfortunate enough to be born around, or on holidays. It usually tends to be a disadvantage for those people. For example, if you’re born around Christmas, yo… Read More
2019-10-29 19:03
If you’re familiar with Charlie Brown and the Peanuts gang, then I’m sure you’re aware of the Great Pumpkin, (If you’re not familiar with Charlie Brown, then you need… Read More
2019-10-25 13:41
You know, a lot of people love to strut around, puking out “facts” in people’s ear holes, striking a smug pose of intellectual superiority. It sickens me. I am sickened. Ev… Read More
2019-10-21 13:42
In this day and age, everybody and their diseased grandmother* has a damn podcast. You can barely take five steps without tripping over a couple of neckbeards with a podcast where they break… Read More
2019-10-18 13:21
Howdy, my name is Chester, of Chester’s Sloppy Seconds, and I’m proud to announce that our restaurant has just received its first Michelin Star from the Michelin Guide to Toad Sc… Read More
2019-10-16 14:38
Some things in life cannot be controlled. Some things defy logic and reason. Science cannot explain them. Jesus is stumped and Neil DeGrasse Tyson can only look on in perplexity. When these… Read More
2019-10-14 14:51
Gather ‘round children, and come hear the wondrous tale of the most amazing and adventurous explorer who ever sailed the eight seas! (People think there are only seven, but you gotta u… Read More
2019-10-11 12:39
Recently, for the “podcast” Saturday Morning Something or other… in which I’m involved (the word is in quotes because like many things I’m involved with, it&rs&hell…Read More
2019-10-07 19:56
There are a few great pairings in the history of the world; peanut butter & jelly, Count Chocula & milk, Run & DMC, a cold beer & a hot day, Bill Murray & Harold Ramis, R… Read More
2019-09-09 22:55
I rememberMemories.That’s all we are. We are made of them. Defined by them. We are also other people’s memories. Memories are all that are left when we leave.Some memories we kil… Read More
2019-08-26 19:58
I recently had the opportunity to be employed at a location (Dr. Brooks’ Dry Erase Board Emporium), where I had the pleasure of watching people in their natural habitat: the parking lo… Read More
2019-06-29 20:31
What is the ultimate story? What is the one story that every single person in the world can relate to? No matter how rich. No matter how poor. No matter your race or your gender. What s… Read More
2019-04-01 12:12
I’m clearly no type of poet. My prose is too flat and stilted, and I don’t have a true romantic’s heart. I’m also, obviously, not a singer or songwriter. My grasp of… Read More
2018-09-21 14:20
Going to bed growing up, for me, was agony. It wasn’t because I’m one of those “takes forever to fall asleep” insomniacs, requiring me to go to bed at least an hour b… Read More
2018-09-15 18:20
So I was sitting at home a couple of weeks ago, watching Big Trouble in Little China for the eight trillionth time, (For this viewing I learned Chinese, so I could make sure the film makers… Read More
2018-08-08 13:38
So there I was, sitting in Zengo, enjoying a nice brunch of dim sum and antojitos and reading the latest issue of LunchBox. There was a fascinating piece comparing the prices and tastes of a… Read More
2018-08-04 16:26
That night during dinner was the second time that Duncansaw the captain and it was a more telling encounter. At the end of a… Read More
2018-07-28 17:46
Land…land…LAND!!! It had been five days so… Read More
2018-07-24 13:18
I recently came across a few 84 Glydes that I wrote seven years ago that I never finished. (You'd be surprised how often stuff like this happens.) For whatever reason, I started but didn't f… Read More
2018-07-21 18:37
*tweeeeeeeeeeet*The whistle sounds weird underwater. It has an odd kind of resonance from the soundwaves meeting actual waves. I reflexively open my eyes to the noise and instantly regret it… Read More
2018-07-18 14:58
I can tell that I’m getting older. It’s not just my Jason Statham hairline, (not his muscles or anything, just his hairline) or my gray pubes or my intense dislike of current mus… Read More
2018-07-14 21:13
I recently read an article online, (okay, I actually skimmed most of the headline and every fourth word of the first three paragraphs, but I got the gist) about a couple from Pennsylvania wh… Read More
2018-07-10 13:37
Let me lay out the scene for you: you’re Henry “Indiana” Jones, Jr. You’ve just killed and/or maimed dozens of Nazis. You’ve traveled three continents and a hal… Read More
2018-07-02 12:30
“Okay Gus, it’s Friday night, we got a bottle of whiskey, a Tony Montana-sized-amount of coke and a laptop. Let’s come up with some reboot ideas!”“Beautiful Sta… Read More
2018-06-27 16:48
(Originally written in 2008)There’s nothing like a loud, awkward argument in public. &nb&hell…Read More
2018-06-23 19:31
O brother, where art thou? Come back to us Mr. Six! Come back! We miss you ever so much. We miss your tuxedo, your fancy shoes, your suspenders, the classy red bow tie. And, of course, those… Read More
2018-05-23 21:46
I can’t believe it. I was ordained as a Kentucky Colonel for less than a week before I wrote an entry all about the experience, my newfound powers and my future plans as a Colonel… Read More
2018-05-16 15:12
Well, it sure as hell took me long enough, but we’re finally here! My 300th Eighty-Four Glyde entry. You’ve come a long way baby! Of course it took my lazy, thin-skinned ass 12 yea… Read More
2018-05-09 18:46
I like to watch television. I’m just old fashion that way. It’s an American tradition, dating back to the first broadcast, when Thomas Edison strip-teased for Dr. John Watson, al… Read More
2018-05-01 11:00
I’m a sucker for motels. I love ‘em! I often wish I was a white guy traveling salesman in the 50s and 60s so I could witness motels in their heyday.* … Read More
2018-04-25 00:26
Congratulations ladles and jelly spoons! Eureka! We did it! You can pack up all your shit and go home now. The job is done. Science has achieved the unachievable! Obtained the unobtainable!… Read More
2018-04-21 22:05
For those of you who are unaware, or had terrible childhoods, Mad Libs was a word game for rambunctious kids during road trips. They were books that contained a couple dozen short “sto… Read More
2018-04-16 13:49
Most of us live relatively normal lives. We work, we play, we raise younglings, (who we must sometimes chop down with lightsabers to prove ourselves to Lord Sidious and the Dark Side). All a… Read More
2018-04-09 12:07
These are dark days. Murky clouds gather above us and blot out the bright light of the Esoterica. The light has been shut out to those who thrive in its radiance.Basically, what I’m sa… Read More
2018-04-04 20:37
*Ring, Ring, Ri*“Hello Mr. Hunt. Your mission, shou…”“Wait. Wait, Hold on..Gotta…gotta catch my breath here…Whew!”“What are you doing Mr. H… Read More
2018-04-02 19:51
It’s Spring Break time again, (so I’ve been told by MTV) which means that it’s time to put away my winter caribou pelts and sacks of whale blubber, and unleash my Adonis-li… Read More
2018-03-28 01:13
(In honor of the recently released Mr. Rogers stamp.)As a young child, I was just like any other rambunctious rapscallion. As the Terror of the Neighborhood, I was ready to get down and dirt… Read More
2018-03-20 18:04
2018-03-12 12:55
(This is gonna be a short one, I’m just flexing my writing muscles after a long hiatus. I’m a wee bit rusty in the old joke factory.)I was lounging around my apartment the other… Read More
2018-03-12 12:30
They say there are no words, but that’s a lie. A fucking lie. See? “Fuck” There’s a word right there. A word I rarely (if ever) used in print, but my dad’s dead… Read More
2016-10-22 16:11
I’m an American, (it says so right on my birth certificate*) and therefore, it is my obligati… Read More
2016-06-24 21:12
I was standing in line at the grocery store yesterday, doing my usual shopping for the week, my cart full… Read More
2015-04-22 00:33
I remember when going to the movies was a fun experience. There was a small, shitty, second-run theater within walking distance of my house when I was a kid in the 80s. I don’t know if… Read More
2015-04-19 20:41
Monday, Day One, 11:16 a.m.: Out of the blue, for absolutely no reason, while inebriated Thursday, March 1st, I decided to not watch television for a week. Why? I don’t know, I do that… Read More
2015-04-11 21:40
I was dawdling over my fifth cup of coffee at Deacon’s when it happened. It was just after six am and I’d been busy keeping my counter stool warm for the last 45 minutes. I&rsquo&hell…Read More
2015-04-05 20:05
I want to reclaim the word “awkward*.” I don’t mean awkward in the sense that you and your bro want to celebrate a particularly good play in a sporting event so you go in f… Read More
2015-03-05 14:54
I used to tell myself that I could never regret anything in life as long as I learned a lesson from it, (of course, I also used to tell myself that I could fly, which is how I ended up in tr… Read More
2015-03-01 22:37
What happens when you take a short story and run it through both Google and Bing translators a dozen times? You get a story that has traveled the length of English, Spanish, German, Arabic… Read More
2015-02-22 22:03
Every February we’re made to fulfill some sort of unspoken social agreement by taking a few moments out of our lives to pretend to care about something that we instantly forget about b… Read More
2015-02-08 22:44
A few weeks ago, in the Washington Post (motto: “Newspapers--not just for lining the bottoms of bird cages!”) I read this fascinating wedding announcement. &nbs&hell…Read More
2015-01-10 19:51
Pssst. Psssssssst! Hey, you there? Yeah, you there, the one with the face, and ummm…the teeth. Are they gone yet? You know who I’m talking about. The “Resolutioners… Read More
2015-01-01 17:21
2014 was a hell of a year. I don’t just mean culturally, because that’s a given. It was shit. A shit year. Terrible in most ways. But on a more individual level, it feels as if t… Read More
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