Now I a lot of people might assume that Cucumbers are the ‘big’ boys. This is very wrong. Don’t fall into this trap. Cucumbers are the men we feel we should date but just don’t have the will to. They start off crunchy and are slightly better than lettuce but they also turn limp and soggy (and weirdly yellow). You may date a cucumber out of pity, but then, no matter how you try, you won’t get rid of them. They are the poster boys for cliché.

Cucumbers are prone to declarations of love and cling to the edge of that bowl resisting your fork. Trying at every turn trying to win you back. I feel that they are the type of men who bring you flowers and a box of pralines to say sorry because that is what the television told them to do. Only they forget that you are allergic to hazelnuts and you know that the flowers came from the petrol garage*.

Gherkins fall under cucumbers but are much worse. You know that weird guy in your office with a fedora and a neckbeard? That is a gherkin. They will try to win you over by calling you “m’lady” and lurking in the background to pounce when your current relationship ends. They also get easily offended when you refuse their advances because you owe them for all their gentlemanly behaviour. Stay away from gherkins or you are stepping into a world of memes and ranting YouTube videos. They always think you were different.

Cucumbers will never leave your bowl, and the only thing you can do is to scrape them into a little corner where they can start their own support group.

*Gas station in ‘Murican

If you missed the beginning then go back to my first post on the salad based dating world called The Salad Theory. Then move on to the first category: Lettuce.