You guys, can someone please tell me why any person would put a pair of virtual animated pink bunny ears on their 45 year old face for no good reason? Why Susan, why would you do it?  I know your divorce was tough and I see you got some nice new boobs. I think your ass still looks wonderful, but why Susan, why do you have an entire facebook album dedicated to selfies adorned with  animated animal apendages?  Susan, please, dear god, resist the urge to use the level 5 beauty setting on your samsung s3. No one believes your face magically transforms to that of a 25 year old blurred out porn star in your phone uploads but defers back to its normal common state in tagged photos and can we leave the flower wreaths and  fluffy doggy ears for cute babies and cuddlesome elderly folk?  No more, Susan. No more. Embrace your face.

Also, Bathroom selfies. I see more restaurant bathroom stalls on facebook than the actual restaurants you are in, Sandra. Yes, you look lit and woke or dope and your vibes are on points and fleeks,  but I cant help fixate on the broken toilet roll dispenser in cubicle 5. It needs attention, #management of the restaurant Sandra had her “date night with bae”. Kindly sort that shit out.

If you insist on photographing yourself and nothing else, Please just own it. Be shameless. For the love of sweet succulent pink pomegranates, do not add insightful quotations from poor rumi or  the “abstract Shakespearean” poem you just googled.  Here, lets try a few out for restorative sanity purposes. Shall we start with a nice close up beauty post of yourself with about 4.5 grams of solid cleavage and a nostalgic glance into the far left corner of your bathroom?  Now the caption “for tangible life, thus we adore” makes no Fucking sense to anyone , Savannah… But how about we go with “I’m 17 and have these here hot titties, a brand new bikini set and also can look to the left like a fucking boss. Own it sister.

I too am guilty.  Just this last week, friends, I found myself in a public bathroom. With a mirror. It was large friends. What was I to do? I softly elbowed my toddler out the way whilst waiting for my 3 year old to yell at me to wipe her butt, and I snapped this fucking glorious masterpiece. So amazing did I find this photo that made my thighs appear thinner, my orange-hue-box-dyed-hair-fuck-up appear less fucked, not to mention beautifully enhanced my fantastic huge ass 2005 sunglasses that so expertly hide half my face and simultaneously protect it from the harsh glare pouring through the 2mm sole bathroom window.  Now there is no fucking reason to show any other human this exact photo.  My child is clearly cut off so I cannot include a cute one liner about his quirks. I was screwed. But photo needed to be seen. This is 2017. If a selfie is taken in a public bathroom on a spring afternoon and  not posted on social media was it even taken at all? #takethattruthbombshakespeare

So here it is. I shall caption it  “I wrote this blog post so I could have a reason to post this highly edited and not true to life shameless bathroom selfie of myself and 1/4 of my son’s head.